Are You Kidding Me?
Ivan Bannowsky
Published by Ivan Bannowsky at Smashwords
Copyright © 2011 by Ivan Bannowsky
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
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Warning: The following material contains extremely vulgar language and crude concepts. For this; I'm not kidding you.
Let us begin...
Debit or Credit?
It's only a matter of time before they start having ATMs for sperm banks. You just walk up to it, insert your penis into the glory hole and the guy on the other end takes care of the rest. How are you gonna know if it's a guy or a girl? What do you care? You're getting paid either way, right? My only question is; are they even the least bit concerned about freezer burn? Poor kid. He's never going to know why he gets especially claustrophobic in a walk-in freezer.
When will it end?
Don't you hate when you've used up about two rolls of toilet paper wearing down that turd stuck in your ass that just won't wipe clean?
The Truth is Out There
My intuition tells me that the extraterrestrials that will eventually come to visit us will have two-pronged penises and that will not bode well for us.
Smelt It, Delt It
Don't you hate when you approach someone and you open your mouth to say hello and get a mouthful of the fart they were just basking in and to which they thought they had gotten away with until you showed up?
Flatulence Camouflage
Helpful Tip: If you've really got to fart in a flatulence hostile environment make sure you have on a pair of those squeaky tennis shoes and a linoleum floor. Then what you'll want to do is walk in a straight line and then make an abrupt turn so that you accomplish three things: one; you get the sneakers to squeak and cover up the fart repercussion, two; your ass cheeks will shift like tectonic plates allowing the gas to pass more easily and also obtain a higher pitch to match the sneaker squeak, thirdly; by whipping your ass around the corner you'll actually create a wind vortex to assist in dissipating the fumes. You're Welcome!
Too much of a good thing
I used to think I wanted to be a gynecologist because what better job could there be in the whole wide world than looking at pussy all day long, right? Then I realized that I've ended up hating every job I've ever had and everything that had anything to do with it. I don't want to hate pussy so I became a proctologist instead.
Public Service Announcement (for the guys)
1. Please don't attempt to engage me in conversation while I'm at the urinal. I'm trying to concentrate here. Plus, I don't even want to be thinking about a guy much less talk to one while I have tactile contact with myself. Not that I'm homophobic or anything. Some of my best friends are gay. You know who you are. Come out of the closet if you must but shut up while I'm peein'.
2. No whistling. It bounces off the tiles and interferes with the pride I take in hearing the roar of my pee stream against the porcelain. Besides, I'm not interested in that melody you're playing with your skin flute.
3.Why if there are five open urinals and I'm all the way on one end do you find it necessary to come pee next to me? Allow for some elbow room, man!
Invention Corner
Chapstick for Pussy Lips. Feeling a little dry down there? Got Cotton Canal? Stay with me here. Think deodorant stick meets lip balm. Call me! We can't lose.
Got Milk?
Now I love milk, drink it like water. I just don't get how drinking cow's milk got started. I mean how did we go from suckin' on mama's titties to suckin' on cow titties? Hmm? Did a couple of Neanderthal's stumble across a cow and start molesting her or what? I'm just trying to wrap my head around how this played out. I figure they must have been yanking on her nipples and got a shot of milk in the eye. "Hey Oog! Get a bucket." Unfortunately, for that particular cow these two discovered her "other" female quality and spawned a new species: The Hillbilly.
Boner Dilemma I
Is anyone else having trouble peeing with a full-on raging boner? I usually end up getting two streams going, which is actually kinda cool until you realize neither is going into the bowl. Don't cross the streams!
Alkalinity
So the other day I was replacing some batteries in my "flashlight" and for some reason I started to read the little warnings on the back of the battery package where it said the usual, like don't place near a heat source, don't put them in backwards, but the last one struck me as rather odd. It said, "Do Not Place in Orifices." Orifices? I thought isn't that like the mouth? What idiot would put a battery in their mouth. Nah, can't be. Then I thought; nostrils? Nah. Ear canals? Nope. Well, what else could it... ohhhh. That orifice. Wow, somebody needs a hobby that doesn't require alkaline. Hey, I've been around the Internet, I've seen the X-rays. Where do you think that bunny rabbit with the drum keeps his batteries? Oh this feels so good I could jump start a whole space ship. So how does that work exactly? Do ya' start out with the skinny little Triple AAA size first and then move up to the Double AAs? Then once ya' really get the hang of it you start in with the C size and then graduate with the D size. Whew, you're a better man than I am Stan. Anybody seen my lantern battery?
Fucking Fast Food Drive-thru
Why is it taking you so long to decide? I know that your fat ass has rolled through here a few times before already and you should have that fucking menu memorized by now. You are defeating the purpose of "Fast Food." And yes, you knew you took a long-ass time ordering 'cuz you looked in the rear view mirror to see if I was cussing you out and you were right. Motherfucker.
Fart Connoisseur
You're lying to yourself if you haven't let one go and then tried to match the smell with something you ate from before. The real fun starts when you try to do it with other people.
The Dollar Store
I was in the dollar store the other day and apparently, there is no limit to what they'll carry now. I'm perusing along and before my very eyes I saw for the low low price of one US dollar, you can get a pregnancy test. I don't know how much faith I'd put in a pregnancy test that only cost a dollar so out of curiosity I bought one, took it home and pissed on it. Sure enough it came up negative, so at least now I know their accurate.
Water Added
I dread going to the deli counter at the grocery store, especially when they have run out of the little "Take a Number" tickets because then it becomes a real fucking free-for-all. Now you know damn well I was here first and your Jedi mind trick isn't going to fucking work on me. Just because I've already perused through the items in the window, know what I want and have respectfully stepped back to let you, whom is just now arriving, to window shop doesn't give you free reign to jump on the deli clerk when he asks who's next. See that nice thick long sausage hanging back there behind the counter? Yes? Good. Now, do you know where it's going to go if you don't get the fuck out of my way and wait your turn? Good Guess!
Bathroom Etiquette I (The Series)
If you're forgoing the urinal for a piss and opting for the stall, be a fella and close the door behind ya', ok? I don't want to head towards your stall that has the door open thinking it's available and then have to be surprised to see you standing there with your stream in all its glory framed between your legs. Two wags of my finger if I have to be subjected to the tail end of it and your shaking off the dregs. Remember: Two shakes or more and you're playing with it.
Humane Crustacean Euthanasia
To those that think the common practice of steaming crabs alive is cruel, how else do you expect me to kill a crab? Drown it?