Bodice Rippers & Carnie Strippers
Funny Poems About Love & Sex
Max Scratchmann
Copyright Max Scratchmann 2011
Smashwords Edition
A Word About British Slang…
Some of my friends across the pond might be a bit confused by a few of the British slang words used in these rhymes, since certain words have different meanings in Britain and America. However, if you bear in mind that, within these pages, fanny means pussy, bum means tushy and arse means ass, you’ll get a lot more – smutty – laughs!
True Love Has No Price
I’m feeling somewhat amorous, the lounging lizard said,
Why don’t you lose that silky dress and get yourself to bed?
Why, sir, declared the lady fair, that’s not a thing I’ll do,
For what would my old mother say if I went to bed with you?
She’d throw me to the winter streets, and leave me in the cold,
What measures would you take for that, if I might be so bold?
I’d love you till the cows came home and keep you warm at night,
Alas, kind sir, that will not do, I don’t mean to pick a fight,
But my dress will cost you two weeks rent, my slip’s worth two weeks food,
My bra? Well, shall we say some jewels, but a fur is also good,
But if you want my tiny pants, well, just one little thing,
The house, the food, the good fur coat, and, oh, of course, a ring.
Teen Vampires
I met a guy in makeup in the brightness of the sun,
I said, you’ll be a vampire, then, by name of Pattinson,
He sighed and shrugged his pallid face, alas, my friend, it’s true,
I am the Teenage Vampire, but my name is Bob to you.
They’ve made me PG-rated, it’s a fate quite worse than death,
I just glamour girls with melting looks, it is a waste of breath,
I have no cape or coffin, it really makes me sick,
For although I have two gleaming fangs, I haven’t got a dick.
The True Story of Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood, out doing good,
Met with a wolf in the depths of the wood,
Hello Mister Wolverine, my what teeth you’ve got,
To dice and slice like scalpels, but really twice as hot.
Come, come, Red Riding Hood, take me to your bower,
Entice me with your red cape, put
me in your power,
Feed to me grape jelly and Melton Mowbray pie,
Entwine my rich and thick pelt, make me want to die!
No, no, my hairy man, lock up that sticky zipper,
The grapes are all for Grandma, there’ll be no chicken dipper,
The wolf takes out his chopper, then I’ll cut you in two,
Poor Little Riding Hood, doesn’t know what to do.
When up comes a woodsman, macho, big and burly,
I’ll save you Red Riding Hood and take you back to Purley!
Whoa there, woodboy, come down off your roof,
Head back to suburbia, I’m staying with the wolf!
A Limerick History of Twentieth Century Literature
There was a young feller named Mellors,
Who whipped out his dick in the cellars,
Where he tapped the sweet twat,
Of the good Lady Chat,
That wily young feller named Mellors.
There was a young poet named Keats,
Who wanted his young Fanny’s treats,
He pulled off her dress,
Then paused to digress,
And she stalked off in bitter defeats.
There was a young poet called Plath,
Whose dad was a teacher of math,
Who saw turkey gizzard,
When flashed by a lizard,
And wrote endless poems of wrath.
There was a young wizard called Potter,
Who buggered the headmaster’s daughter,
You’ve violated my rear,
I must leave you, I fear,
Then she attempted to run, but he caught her.
Doggy-Style With Dorcas
This is the story of Dorcas Mc Shandy,
A teen quite disposed to being very randy,
When she tried to do washing, she’d hump the machine,
And she stood on street corners but didn’t charge a bean.
Her mother said, Dorcas, my head hangs in shame,
To see my own daughter go out on the game,
But it’s not for the money, so please don’t be snobby,
You have stamps and your scrapbook, I have my own hobby.
So her mum called the medic, said, get her to stop,
But Dorcas, she blew him and made his ears pop,
And the doc told her mother, alas, she is stuck,
Some girls like to cross stitch, your daughter to fuck.
Glenda Jackson’s Naked…
Glenda Jackson’s naked in film which is art,
Though the MP for Hampstead East is playing a sexy part,
Her bum is bobbing on the lawn amidst the grass and sticks,
Oh Glenda, why ever did you go and take up politics?
Business Acumen