The Libido Odyssey
By Bill Bolton
Copyright 2011 by Bill Bolton
Smashwords Edition
Cover Design by
Ginny Glass at WordSugar Designs
wordsugardesigns.weebly.com
Special thanks to…
Sharon Lawson Editor
K.E. Parker, Editor
A. Y. (Pete) Gunter, Ph.D. for his environmental essay on the Big Thicket
Elise Logan for a lot
And most of all
Helen Bolton for her input and putting up with me for 41 years
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, except where permission has been granted.
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I
Does this sound familiar?
"We have talked to his doctor, and he doesn't seem to think David has a problem. He says that David is acting normal for a 71-year-old man. He does admit that some diabetics tend to slow down, well I am sorry; I am not ready to slow down. I want to go and be pleasured. When we do make love now, it is satisfying, not exciting, but satisfying and enjoyable. In fact, I must admit that his slower pace, and resulting patience has some very pleasurable aspects. But over two months between even a sensual howdy-do, no, that is not acceptable. I have even tried a few toys, but they don’t do much for me.
"I spend a lot of time doing charity work, and you hear people talk. It is very obvious to me from listening, that most relationships are out of sexual whack. I hear complaints from men and women both, that their partners are too demanding, or damn near dead. It seems to me that not many have a nearly balanced situation. But those are easy to spot, they smile and keep quiet. There are days that I think I need a “pool boy." I know nothing is perfect, but we have money, relatively good health and time, and we are squandering the one thing we can’t recoup…time."
We will hear more from this lady and David later.
II
This story is about people in related circumstances that increasingly face the over fifty population in America, and elsewhere. There are people that will view this as an evil tale. Some will look and say it is unrealistic. Many others, hopefully, will find it helpful, and possibly inspiring. The sexual life of older Americans is a major theme, but it is not the heart of the story. This is a tale of survival in a difficult world. It is about deep passion, fear and hope.
Is loving your spouse enough? Maybe. At age 62 I frequently ask myself this question. The answer from many people is frequently surprising. You would think that mature people would be settling down, maybe even predictable. That, however, is far from the case. This speaks to what may very well be a new revolution in relationships. I think back to Robert Heinlein’s book from the 1960’s, The Herrod Experiment.
As we grow older in this fractured society, we encounter different issues than previous generations faced. Everything from health care to transportation has taken on new roles. A hundred years ago, we grew old in an extended family. And old was a significantly more specific term. Today, however, we live longer, love longer and are physically and mentally viable far beyond the realms of previous generations. Because of these and many other issues, a new cultural phenomenon is developing. This is how several couples approach relationships while aging.
My name is Ben Beck, and I direct a very unique organization. It is called The Phoenix Experience. I am not a counselor, or a psychologist; I am a relationship makeover artist. In this era of makeover shows of all kinds, and bizarre reality TV, this is far from surprising. A growing number of couples, that are compatible and dedicated in almost all other phases of their life, are finding themselves at a crossroads because of an imbalance in their sexual desires, capability and/or expectations. The Phoenix Experience enters the picture when doctors and conventional therapy fail to resolve the issue. We are not a sex club. We are not therapists in the conventional sense. We do not take a fully removed approach to helping people. We get involved in a relationship makeover that involves new strategies for success. While sex is the critical issue that brings people to us, it is never the entire picture. Our goal is to help couples find a way to have a fuller and happy life within their relationship and that requires thinking outside the box. We do not promote illegal or deviant behavior (we are not judgmental or critical; it just is not part of our mission.)
Our procedure is simple. We interview each person separately, then as a couple. This is for biographical and observational purposes. Then, and only then, if we feel that we can help them, we invite them to participate in our program. It is an open-ended group interaction program of six couples per session. We encourage lifelong involvement in these groups, both as couples seeking a strategy, and as mentors to others. It is not cheap; we charge $24,000 per couple. This allows us the opportunity to have a wonderful staff and a very pleasant environment, as well as to provide excellent resources for our participants. This saga is primarily about the relationship development of six couples. Before beginning, an introduction to my wife and co-director, Darla, would be appropriate.
***
Darla
Darla was an only child in a privileged house. Her father was a prominent physician in St. Louis. She went to all the right schools and was prepared for entering society. There was only one slight problem; Darla had her own ideas. Her father and mother encouraged her academics, being a doctor was socially acceptable. Darla was, to say the least, academically gifted. She was pushed to the natural sciences, where she did well. But her passion was math. She entered college in pre med, but quickly changed to mathematics as a focus. After she graduated from Central College in Iowa she went to Purdue. She completed her Master’s in Mathematics in three semesters. In 1971 they conferred her degree.
Socially, she was not as outgoing. It was not that she was not interested, just that she intimidated all the society boys she met. They wanted one of two things, sex or status. She did not fit their idea of the status symbol, and they could not imagine her as an easy lay. They were right about the latter, but not in the way they thought, there is nothing easy about Darla.
Darla discovered her own sexuality early. She was well aware of how to pleasure herself, and knew that would suffice for a while. That ended her first weekend at college. It was September 2, 1965. She met the young man, a senior majoring in theoretical physics, at a chess club event. Actually, she beat him in three straight matches, and he was not used to losing. He found it more common from that point forward. Eddie and Darla left about nine and grabbed a burger, and while walking across campus, Darla simply asked him if he would like to have sex with her. And they did. That was the only time they did, but they had a long friendship, telling the story of that night many times. Regrettably, Eddie died in 1993 in a plane crash. Darla approached sex as one might view learning the piano. First you learn the basics and technique, and then you practice, a lot. By the time she graduated from Central in 1969 she was a virtuoso. She was truly a child of the free love era. When she went to Purdue she began a more conventional phase, dating one guy while she was there. She left him heartbroken when she got her Master’s and went to D.C. to take her new job. He was so traumatized that it took him four whole months to find and marry another young lady.
Darla was recruited by a clandestine agency of the United States Government. The agency (name deleted) was unimpressive. The total staff was twenty-three souls, including the director. The budget was impressive, $68 million in 1971. I was among the twenty-three. Amazingly, $68 million can be hidden from everyone within the federal playpen, well almost everyone. Beyond the agency, there were fewer than fifteen people who knew of the agency’s existence, maybe twenty.
I was a recruiter. My job was to recruit special people from the other side, usually the communist side. Frequently, they would simply be defection candidates, occasionally double agents. We did not run the agents, we “referred” them to other agencies, usually the CIA. I was seldom in harm’s way, and really did nothing very spectacular.
I first met our new genius in the gym. Our building was a nondescript five-story office building in Roslyn. What did not show was the three level basement. The ground floor housed a boutique, a barbershop and a coffee shop. The gym was on the second floor. The top three floors were special situation rooms and the basement housed the work areas. There were six apartments for special guests and two SCIF (Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility) rooms on the bottom floor. All employees were expected to learn self-defense. This included fitness and martial arts, as well as familiarity with weapons. I was very good at the martial arts. That is how I first met her. I was actually doing some demonstrations when she came in. I knew the basics on her background, and saw no history of physical activities. She was certainly not impressive in her sweats, average height, dark, maybe Italian heritage. I invited her to participate in the demonstration; actually I was being a bit mean. Setting up a scenario, I told her to respond to my aggression. I anticipated a feeble punch, or a lame groin kick, wrong- welcome to Darla’s world. She feinted a kick to my groin and stomped on my instep. THEN! She kicked me between the legs, HARD! The spectators, ten of them, roared. I had been set up, big time. I have since told her that the discrepancies in our libidos were caused that day.
The bitch just laughed at me as I was curled up on the floor in agony. Then, sweet as can be, she leaned over and asked me out to dinner. I whimpered yes. We were married a year and a half later.
The agency was good for us, and we enjoyed it. The Iran-Contra affair was the catalyst for our leaving, but we would have left anyway. The kids and a different set of priorities were pulling us in the other directions.
As time progressed, and life with it, we began to realize that my desire for sex was waning, and Darla’s seemed to be increasing. We went to doctors, therapists, and a few more creative approaches before just deciding to “live with it." We loved each other, and were not interested in any other options, that is, till early 2001. Among other things, our solutions directed us toward starting Phoenix.
***
As it happened, The Phoenix Experience…
The institute is located about 30 miles due west of Austin, Texas, off highway 71. Located on 130 acres of rolling land in the Texas Hill Country, it is a unique ecological refuge. The property is a dual use retreat and plant restoration facility. This beautiful location is the setting for the Phoenix Experience For Marital Stability Among Maturing Couples, or, The Phoenix Experience. Generally referred to as Phoenix, it is a non-profit foundation primarily funded by two methods. The first is the fee paid by the participating couples. The second, and more significant revenue source, is a series of Internet businesses. With revenues in excess of $10,000,000 per year, Phoenix is able to aggressively pursue its dual restoration mission of relationships and the beauty of native vegetation. Check-in time for the couples is after 4PM, and preferably before 6PM on Thursday. The program ends on Saturday evening, nine days later. Upon arrival, each couple is shown to their bungalow by one of three permanent staff members.
Two of these staff members, while acting sometimes as hosts, are not directly part of the makeover team; rather, they are the physical environment management team. Beth Greene is our facility ecologist, biological specialist and resident philosopher. She has a passion for all things in nature and is a fun person. Word of warning though, play competitive athletics with her at your peril. On the grounds there are currently 16 species of restoration plants, and they are used in 73 projects around the country. Beth is a dynamic individual that provides a broader since of purpose to all who visit.
Peter Jay is our business manager, facility manager and handyman. A retired accountant, he is as adept with a jigsaw as with a calculator. He has been instrumental, along with Beth in making the facility virtually self-sufficient. We use a combination of wind and solar to generate power, and store it as compressed air. We then use the compressed air to run a sophisticated pneumatic driven generating system. In the last three years we have had to rely on our diesel backup for only 83 hours, of which only 16 of those were not scheduled maintenance. Further, we maintain a 6,000 square meter wetland that efficiently processes our effluent.
Larry Destin is our chef and resident storyteller. He is from Decatur, Texas, and to meet him away from Phoenix, well… he is built like a tight end and dresses like a refugee from Heehaw. Don’t let that fool you, a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, he had a successful restaurant in Chicago for 15 years before coming back to Texas. He did so to simplify his life and join our team. He is also a mentor at times.
Upon arrival the guests find a dinner sideboard provided in each bungalow. We take great care to find out dietary issues in our application profile. Restrictions, preferences and dislikes are all very important. Dining issues can easily render any experience difficult, and that we try to avoid. It is also our experience that the low-key approach of the sideboard is an excellent tool for the first evening. There is an informal reception from 6-9. It is a mulling of staff and guests, and is frequently used to get the informal tour of the physical structures and amenities. Things like the pool, workout room, game room, dining room and miscellaneous other areas are all on the tour. Mostly, Thursday evening is an opportunity to adjust to the environment.
Seating at meals is intentional. Breakfast Friday is at tables set for two. It is a light, high protein affair, with a fresh fruit side dish. This sets the stage for the greeting, which is show time for me.
Let the fun begin…
Hello everyone, I am Ben Beck, your host for the next nine days. I would like to welcome you to The Institute, or Phoenix, the spirits of past and present answer to either. What you will soon discover about the Phoenix Experience is that it is without temporal intensity. Much of what you will do and experience over the next 9 days will be stressful enough, tight schedules are unnecessary, and frankly, counterproductive. On site we have many amenities. Any leisure time can easily be filled with almost any activity except winter sports and deep-sea fishing. Here we have a pool, multiple recreational items in the game room, horseback riding, nature trails, movie viewing and much more. If you wish to play golf, up to twice during your visit, we can arrange it at a nearby resort. We will generally have two required interactive (group if you prefer) sessions of about one hour each during each day. Each day you and your spouse will also have the opportunity to meet with one of our two facilitators. These are informal sessions, and are from 5 minutes to ninety minutes, depending on your requirements. These are for you, and are purely optional.
In case there is any question, everyone here has a lot in common. You all have paid a great deal for this opportunity. We strongly suggest you take full advantage of what is offered. Everyone here is in a committed, loving marriage, one that has a problem. The identified problem deals with sexual balance. One party finds the sexual frequency and/or satisfaction significantly lacking. This may or may not be the only problem we address, usually there are more. The reality is that the basic options are limited: divorce, a lover, improved common ground, self-gratification or “grin and bear it." To date, most of you have followed the “grin and bear it’ mode. After all, that is the prescription offered by society. When you leave here, that may continue to be your choice, though I doubt it. Our goal is to find, within the parameters of a continued happy marriage, a significant improvement, if not a full solution to your dilemma. The options listed were simple, and we rule out divorce, it is not considered a successful result of our program. If you choose that option, it will not be because of the intent of this program. Our success is measured by the continued success of your marriage.
Let’s have a reality check. Or more precisely, let’s look at the format for time allotment in most marriages. Up until the empty-nest stage, the average couple spends less than 30 waking hours a week with their partner, and less than a third of that alone with them while raising kids. Then, the kids leave home, and you retire and guess what? That changes to 80 or more hours. Can we say overload? For around thirty years you have been fantasizing about this time, maybe together, maybe not. Then the reality hits and WHAM! You are spending a tremendous amount of time with a person who you only have known in small doses. You or your partner dream of romantic encounters in faraway places. It is storybook passion and an extended holiday for the duration of good health, interrupted only by family responsibilities. Oops, reality time. Health issues or just the mental make-up of one of the partners is such that sex is not in their vision, at least not to any significant degree. Oh, and by the way, all those other things, travel, excitement, etc., well, that’s a little much... I am tired and want a more relaxed lifestyle. Thus comes the anger and frustrations between two lifelong partners who truly care for one another, and really like each other.
Early in my relationship with my wife, Darla, we found that I was hot natured and she was always cold. One evening we were at my in-laws and my mother-in-law became aware of this. As everyone in the house was freezing, lighting fires and putting on woolies, I was in light summer wear and fairly warm. My mother-in-law asked Darla if maybe I could take shots to cure me. I am sure that each of you has taken this same approach to lack of libido. In some cases it may be that easy, but not in most. Guys, you may take Viagra and twenty minutes later have a wonderful tent pole, but no desire to use it. Ladies, no surprise, your biology is even more complicated. The point here is that the RX answer is only helpful sometimes. More likely it is RX that is a problem, the maladies are many. Diabetes and prostate issues can kill either libido or capability or both. Medicines can have the same result. In the case of men the effects can be visually obvious, but they are no less significant among women, though they are far less documented by research. And finally, some people simply have more or less active sexual desire than others and that is as difficult a problem as medically caused impotence.
As you look around the room you may wonder who in the couple is the one with the problem, the answer is both. The problem is a problem of the relationship. Regardless of which end of the seesaw you are on, you are both on the same seesaw. One of you is on the ground, the other in the air. The seesaw is out of balance, not the individuals. We will be trying to find a way to re-balance the seesaw.
Before we get started, I would like you to meet two other people, the first is my wife, Darla. (I motioned to her as she stands from her chair.) Darla is extremely important to the Institute. She is our IT expert. As such she oversees our research, resources and our various Internet projects. I have no real idea of the things she does. All I know is that if we need something, someone or information, she provides it for us rapidly. Further, a great deal of the funding comes from our various web-based businesses.
The second person, you have probably already met, Larry, our chef. (Sitting beside Darla, Larry stands up, waves and sits down.) In addition to being our chef, he is also a mentor. He has been through what you will be going through; you see Larry is Darla’s other husband. We have been a family for ten years. Larry and I have become best of friends, and share many interests, besides Darla. Darla and I were married 40 years ago. Larry is a few years younger than me, and frankly, it takes each of us to fulfill Darla’s needs. No, in case you are wondering, we do so at separate times. We have never had ménage e trois, and are not so inclined. Since our relationship evolved, all of us have been happier than ever before. I actually desire sexual fulfillment more often now, Darla is very happy, and Larry is very happy.
Please understand something. Statistically, a hundred years ago we would of all probably have been dead for a long time. The average life expectancy was 47. Only since the early 1950’s has sex for mutual pleasure been a widely accepted concept. If you and your very best friend were golfing buddies, things would be nice. If one day your golfing buddy injured his back, or for some other reason could no longer play golf, would he still be your best friend? Of course. Would you give up golf? That is not likely. You might tend to play as a loner, or develop a new golfing relationship. Why on earth would you give up golf if it was truly enjoyable and you have a passion for the game? But, if it was a choice between your best friend and golf, you would surely choose your friend. But why should it come to that? Is sex, without the possibility of (additional) children, really any different? The answer is no, regardless of the silly restrictions of society. That is why you are here.
I may have made you uncomfortable, but that is ok. This week you will have many challenges to your ideas, some you may accept, others not.
The hour after breakfast will always be an open time. Please be in the great room next door by 10AM. At that time, we will start our first group interaction. Enjoy your break; we look forward to our next visit.
Occasionally, this intro is so appalling to a couple that they pack up and leave on the spot. Usually, however, it serves as an excellent icebreaker. We ask participants to keep a diary of their stay. In those that have been shared with us, the response to my breakfast greeting has been quite positive. Those few that do leave are immediately given a full refund. We realize that occasionally mismatches happen. Our approach is not yet mainstream, and probably never will be, but our goal is primarily helping people, not fleecing them.
The first group encounter was typically interesting, traumatic and entertaining all at once. We did not lose anyone after breakfast, so we had six couples, me and our facilitators, Martha and Drake.
Martha and Drake have been with Phoenix for nearly two years. They are our second set of facilitators. Martha, age 23, has a bachelor’s degree in developmental psychology from Ohio State and took this position for two years before embarking on her graduate work. She is originally from Denver, and is quite a striking young lady. Not only is she very attractive, but also quite tall. She is about six feet tall and athletic in her build. She is by no means dainty, but she certainly is not heavy either. I doubt that she will ever run marathons, but don’t play basketball against her, or volleyball either. Martha is quiet with a dry wit that can cut you to the bone, healed instantly by her impish smile. She is well suited to help people, either as an emotional guide, a friend or, if needed, an authority figure. Her presence belies her youth.
Drake is certainly an interesting contrast to Martha. He is 33, married with two cute children, Aileen, 2, and Dennis, 5. His wife, Lanie, frequently brings them to the institute. They enjoy helping Beth in the greenhouse, and playing with the dogs. Drake received his bachelor’s degree from the University of Houston in pre-law 8 years ago, and then served six years in the Marines. He is far from the stereotypical image of a Marine. In fact, my experience is that the stereotyping of Marines, or any group, is generally dumb. Anyway, Drake is a fireplug of a guy with a quick wit and shoulders wide enough for the world to cry on. We first met him through his parents who were in one of our first groups, several years ago. Upon leaving here he, will be going to law school at the University of Texas.
Our facilitators are very important to the program. With six couples representing twelve personalities, guidance in any group could be a challenge. Add to this the most intimate aspects of one’s personal being, and the potential for disaster is exponential. They are very carefully selected for a combination of leadership styles and social qualities. Empathy is a must, and the ability to maintain compassion combined with proper separation is essential. To list the full spectrum of the qualifications and training would be both lengthy and tedious. In brief it consists of a full indoctrination in the program, a good academic background, life experience and each facilitator goes through an 8 week course in domestic mediation at Texas A&M. We give our facilitators a reasonable employment package, but I think they would do it as volunteers if required. In addition to their standard employment package, we give each facilitator a study grant at their “graduation” after a two-year involvement.
The “client” group consisted of the Gleasons, the Morns and three other couples I will refer to as Brown, Smiths, Jones and Davis for anonymity purposes. All of our groups are recorded on our AV set up. We do this with the full knowledge of all involved, and this data is kept under the tightest security. All transcriptions that follow are re-creations, sanitized in places to protect the privacy of the participants.
I would like to introduce you to two very special people who will be your guides and facilitators over the next 9 days. Martha Simpson and Drake Osborne will be directing, and leading these group sessions, and will be available to you for any visiting or clarification during your stay.
Drake asked everyone to introduce themselves. The first was Allen Smith, followed by his wife Linda, next were the Gleasons, followed by the Browns. John and Rita Jones were followed by Jerry and Mildred Davis, with the Morns being the final couple. Following the introductions, Martha has the chore of opening Pandora’s Box. After our second session, we settled on a formula for the program. The first thing we do is disclose to the group the generalities of each couple’s sexual imbalance. We do so in a clinical voice, and hope that this approach is the least traumatic and opens the dialogue quickly. It usually does. This is also when we give our participants a "Reference Guide."
REFERENCE GUIDE TO YOUR PHOENIX EXPERIENCE
STAFF
Ben Beck - Co-Director Darla Beck - Co-Director
Larry Destin - Chef and Mentor
Martha Simpson and Drake Osborne - Facilitators
Beth Greene - Facility Ecologist
Peter Jay - Business & Facility Manager
PARTICIPANTS
More Libido Less Libido
Jean Gleason Bob Gleason
Sandra Brown David Brown
Richard Morn Mary Morn
Allen Smith Linda Smith
Rita Jones John Jones
Jerry Davis Mildred Davis
Martha starts with the Smiths. “Allen and Linda have been married for 29 years,” she tells the group. “They have one son, Allen, Jr., 17, and live in Corpus Christi. Allen owns a manufacturing plant that is in the process of being sold to a group of overseas investors for an immoral sum of money. Linda is a homemaker and is extremely active in two charities. She formerly was a physical therapist. Their problem is not specifically one of libido, rather one of health. Linda suffers from psoriasis, and it is most active in her pubic area. This makes sex for her all but impossible, except for certain techniques of masturbation. Allen and Linda have a strong marriage and really enjoy doing things together, especially travel and golf. They have been dealing with this issue through mutual masturbation, but this is far less than fulfilling to Allen, and is not the best approach for Linda either. Though she can pleasure herself, she finds it difficult to do while assisting Allen. And solely assisting Allen is extremely frustrating. Though Allen is more than willing to help her in anyway, the nature of her psoriasis is such that her own touch is really all she can endure. They are seeking new strategies to allow them to truly be able to best satisfy their mutual and individual sexuality.”
After she finishes her description of the Smith’s circumstances, there is a rapid “gee that must be tough” outpouring, and this is allowed for about 2 minutes, before resuming. This allows for some empathy, while preventing the inevitable--- “Have you trieds…"
Martha continues, "Next are the Gleasons, a couple whose sexual desires slowly drifted apart, complicated by Bob's medical induced impotence in recent years. Prostate removal, antidepressants and other medical issues common to people in their late fifties have render him totally impotent, and he never was a sex dynamo."
"Jean, on the other hand, is a vibrant passionate lady who has no intention on living the rest of her life without sex. She misses the other things, too, such as dancing. An activity they once both enjoyed is now just a foreplay of frustration."
...and again, the empathy time quickly followed. Following the Gleasons were the Joneses.
Martha began, “John and Rita are the youngest couple at 51 and 52 respectively. Theirs is a storybook romance, next-door neighbors as children, high school sweethearts. They went to college together and got married right after graduation. They have two daughters, both in college. John is a successful artist and Rita is a well-respected interior designer. They are also the only couple out of the area. They have lived and worked in the Chicago area all of their lives. John and Rita have always had a good sex relationship, and probably still would except for an accident three years ago. I will not go into details, but as a result of an accident John lost both testicles and part of his penis, and most of the interior muscle on his left thigh. Reconstructive surgery has been very helpful in many ways, but obviously, sex is another matter altogether. Even dealing with cuddling has been a major success for them due to overriding depression. They have found that John’s well being currently requires that he be as distanced as possible from actual sexual activity, which makes Rita’s sexual fulfillment doubly difficult. They love each other, and each would sacrifice and suffer for the other, but they are looking to minimize that.”
After allowing for the incumbent sympathies, Martha continued with the story of Richard and Mary Morn. They had lost their son several years before, and exactly one year later Mary had a "sudden death" heart attack, and had been absolutely ambivalent to sex since that time.
The group was more than a little subdued by the trauma of losing a child. It struck them all very hard. So it was a bit of a relief when she introduced the story of David and Sandra Brown, the oldest couple. Not because of the problems, but because of Sandra's personality. They appeared to be a textbook libido divide, though this eventually turns out a bit more complicated. David is retired and tired, but Sandra is an outspoken lady who feels like she has paid her dues and wants a continuous world travel experience. She was obviously a powerful lady, and was not bashful about showing it. In fact, she was the only one to editorialize during this phase. As Martha described their issues, she interjected a few good-natured sarcasms toward David. Everyone laughed, but Martha did not let Sandra take control. In the end, it was revealed that Sandra was a vital, mature woman with a desire to taste life, and David seemed more comfortable in a rocking chair on the porch.
Martha finished with Mildred and Jerry Davis. “Mildred and Jerry are our newlyweds. They have been married for just over nine years. Both had been previously married, Jerry was widowed 12 years ago and Mildred was divorced about six years before they met. Each has grown children. Mildred is 65 and Jerry is 61. They were brought together because of their love of gardens. In fact, Mildred and Jerry were introduced by his late wife Susan, who was an avid gardener. Mildred has a wonderful landscape company in San Antonio, one that deals in both product and design. She and Susan spent many hours working on Susan and Jerry’s garden, a 15,000 square foot affair on their property. When Susan brought Mildred around for consultations, she met Jerry. The three of them got along fabulously, even taking two trips to Wales to look at several gardens, their favorite being Aberglasney in southern Wales. When Susan got sick, the three became even closer. Mildred was probably Susan’s best friend, and was a tremendous help and comfort when she entered hospice. After Susan died, Mildred and Jerry were nearly constant companions. For two years it was a simple but deep friendship, but in the third year, their love blossomed like a dormant desert flower. By the time they got married, they were tremendously intimate, but not in a strongly sexual way. Frankly, Mildred does not enjoy intercourse, and is almost totally asexual. She loves to cuddle, rub and be rubbed, but sexual contact has absolutely no special allure, in fact, she views it as an obligatory inconvenience. As a result, this otherwise marvelous relationship is almost totally devoid of sex. It is not that Mildred has not tried, in fact, she feels as if she must be missing something worth enjoying, but that does not look to be a possibility. Like everyone else here, Jerry and Mildred are looking for a way to reduce this issue’s effect on their relationship."
"What I would like to do at this point is to thank all of you for allowing us to share these brief summaries with the group. We do this not to expose your innermost secrets; rather we do it so that you are each aware that at some level you are on common ground. From this point forward we will be dealing with strategies and options. We will explore ideas from the common to the extremely innovative. Hopefully one or more will help your relationship.” With that last statement Martha turned the room over to Drake.
Let me take a moment here to describe the room. It is a broad, beamed-ceiling room. It is very large, approximately 30’x50’. In the center, in an area of 18’x15’, there is a created center lobby. It is walled in by giant ferns; the seating is a set of 16 matched leather wing chairs around an island of leather hassocks. It is designed to be relaxing and give a sense of security.
As Drake stood up there was a rustle of emotional discomfort. That same sense that you would expect in an IRS lobby seemed to be sneaking in. It was a mix of misgiving, dread and relief that the ordeal might soon be over. As the group members looked around the room they were comforted by the reality that they were all in a similar boat. At the same time they were relieved that some of the problems discussed were not theirs. Drake spoke quietly, simply and with a level of compassion that startled a few. “Ladies and gentlemen, I am thrilled to be here with you for several reasons. The first is that this experience is helpful for almost all who participate, and I like being a part of a successful team. Secondly, this is an extremely enjoyable place with wonderful people, both staff and participants. Finally, I had a very special job referral when I was hired. My parents are alumnae of the Phoenix Experience. As a result of their encounter here nearly three years ago, they are happier than they dreamed possible. Oh, by the way, I have a new stepmother as a result. More precisely, a wonderful lady joined our family, and lives with my mother and father. But, that is their story, and we are here to help you write yours.”
***
Phase 1 …
After the introductory niceties, Drake explained the procedure and outlined the schedule for the program. “Folks, what we will do over the next several days will be a cross between consultation, therapy and prescriptive solutions. The first phase is a life inventory, individual and as couples. In this phase we will list all of the things you consider positives in your life: activities, emotions, goals and values. We are all aware that there may be obstacles in the path of the enjoyment of these activities. We are not interested in this phase with obstacles, only the desire and joy. In some cases, we may delve into the particular activity or desire, the purpose being, where possible, to break it down into components, thereby identifying the positive stimuli of the item. The goals of this highly interactive phase are several fold. First, and most obvious, it allows you to establish a Positive Activity Index, PAI. This PAI is the base structure for your relationship makeover. With it, we can begin to design a lifestyle most pleasing to the both of you. You will find, in all likelihood that the PAI will provide you with far more interests and rewards than you can possibly expect to pursue. At this point I want you to stop, before you go where you might. Understand, we are not about to try and baffle you with bull hockey, nor are we going to fall into the '...if you are up to your ass in alligators; it’s hard to remember that your job is to drain the swamp...' scenario. The issue of your sexual relationship is only (possibly) an inventory item in the first phase; not its focus. We will get there. The format for this discussion will be as follow: each of you are currently seated by your partner, here are your new seating arrangements. In a moment I want you to move to those seats. Secondly, you will each use the pad beside you to make notes and so forth. When it is your turn, you will tell us 5 positive items, no elaboration. We will continue this, going around the group, for up to 5 times. At that point, we will randomly select each of those positives, and begin to discuss them. I doubt that we will get that far in this session, so we will continue this phase this afternoon at the 2:30 session. Please move to your assigned seat.”
“In order to facilitate the discussion, Drake and I will do an example set for you,” Martha explained.
Drake: Golf, fine dining, travel, skeet, sex.
Martha: Skydiving, volleyball, walks on the beach, dancing, children
Drake: Volunteering as a Big Brother, physical fitness, darts, music, hiking
Martha: Wine, good beer, skinny-dipping at midnight, art, gardening
“I assume you all have the idea,” Martha jibbed. “One other thing, before we start, everyone take off your shoes and socks. It sounds silly, but it really does help. We will start in 2 minutes, so prepare your first round. Try not to repeat exactly. If someone says travel, it bears definition, as opposed to one person saying running a 10K, and then another, or the same person saying running a marathon, is a little redundant. There will be no examination on that, or griping; but, it is more helpful if it is as non repetitive as possible.
We will begin with chair number 4, and go to the left. John, that is you.”
John: Painting, travel, kids, reading suspense books, food
Jean: Volunteer work, music, theater, going to Europe, gardening
…. And on it went.
The nervous laughter came on the second round, though in most groups it takes three.
Richard: Gourmet cooking, fine single malts, foggy mornings, giving massages, giving oral sex--- (brought low level hmms)
…and then…
Sandra: uh…Richard …and I also enjoy giving it too, but probably in a more cylindrical manner on a different anatomical design.
“Ok guys, we get the picture, I believe further details qualify as redundancy,” Martha cheerily chided. “Let's get back on track. Sandra, if we allow you to keep Richard as a pleasing pastime, you owe us 4 more.”
Everyone went dry after four rounds. In fact, about 30% of the contributions were really redundant. However, we do not overly enforce that stricture, if you do; you tend to stifle the flow. We ended up with over 150 activities, after adjustment. That is a rather high amount, but that is good. This group showed great diversity and a real zeal for life.
We take the results of this input after the afternoon discussion session and program it into a survey questionnaire. That information is blended with other data to design a relationship compatible activity program. This is an extremely important tool as we progress through Phoenix. Fullness of life with one another is a main goal of our makeover. It is also a tool that we hope will find a broader audience beyond the institute.
At that point I stood up and gave the call to lunch. It was 11:45, our hour session had gone over a tad, and they frequently do. I told them to enjoy their lunch and told them to be sure and adhere to seat assignments at lunch. Lunch begins at 12:15, and is scheduled till 1:45. Our afternoon session starts at 2:30.
Lunch---Friday
The table settings at lunch were six to a table. The seatings were not by couple, rather by sex drive. Those with active libidos were at one table those with low levels were at another. Specific seating was left to the individual at the assigned table. And the Warning Card was on each table, along with the controller.
Warning: Your privacy is now a matter of public knowledge!!!
Virtually every place you go may have recording devices, they are for study and research, the information gleaned will facilitate your experience as well as others. Only staff will be allowed access to this material. You will not be allowed access, unless all other persons in that segment agree. After case neutered transcripts are made, these recordings will be thoroughly and completely destroyed.
YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN A CONTROLLER. BY CLICKING IT AT ANY TIME YOU WILL TURN OFF SURVEILLANCE DEVICES IN YOUR IMMEDIATE VICINITY FOR A PERIOD OF TIME DESCRIBED ON THE BACK OF THIS CARD
Friday lunch is always fun. First all the horny folks are in one corral, and all the un-horny ones are in another. That interplay is fun, but the Warning Card is the real hoot. It really is the first real step for them at Phoenix. When they signed up they gave us permission to do exactly such surveillance. It was not worded like that, it was in legalese and obscure verbiage, but it was there. A few people are testy, some don’t care, and others are embarrassed. No, they are not embarrassed about what we may have seen, or even what we may see. They really have no idea why they are embarrassed.
The truth is, most are embarrassed because they are not embarrassed. That is to say, a lack of shyness, when exposed, is a very disturbing realization to most people. But the card and controller are real quick conversation starters. And the only one who showed a tinge of anger was?
“Are you crazy, you want to watch me pee, shower or even masturbate, or God knows what?” It was hard to tell if Sandra was truly angry, or wanting to stake turf as the group leader.
It was Martha who responded. The first Friday lunch is frequently the only midday meal that all of the facilitators take with the group. The rule is that if a female responds first, Martha takes it; if a male, then Drake takes it. So it was Martha, “Sandra, we do not specifically desire to observe anyone at this point, regardless of the activity. As to whether we watch you, or anyone else in any event, is up to you. You have the wand of power. If you want us to watch you masturbate, feel free to not shut us out, but we make no promises that anyone will be watching. The only promise we make is that any observations, of any type, will be used to make the Phoenix Experience more meaningful and helpful, and that after they are transcribed in an identity-protected format, any and all recordings will be destroyed. The destruction is usually within 6 weeks of the end of the session. If anyone has an insurmountable problem with this, we can and will shut down the surveillance devices for the duration, but I believe you will find your controller more than adequate. If anyone wants to discuss it further, please contact Darla or Ben at any time. Since each of you will be visiting with each of us many times, your identity will be secure from the rest of the group. Any further questions?”
Bob Gleason stood up, “Why this seating arrangement?”
Drake explained that over the various meals, arrangements would vary. Today’s lunch is by libido, tomorrow’s might be couples or gender. It could be by age, mixing of couples, the married pair, two couples, etc. With that, everyone settled down and began to conspire against the shrinks, or something like that. We call first Friday lunch "paranoia delight." This is why it is also so decadent.
Larry always enjoys this first Friday lunch. He dresses the part, as do the other staff members. This formal lunch is a no apologies trip to cuisine indulgence. With the in-depth information provided on the registration forms, Larry prepares a remarkable feast, geared to several palates.
One example was the menu served to four of the guests:
2 oz flute of sparkling brut (from a small but excellent winery in northern Spain)
Demitasse of scallop bisque
Small romaine, mandarin orange, shallot, butter lettuce salad with pecans and pine Nuts in a strawberry-cilantro-cinnamon vinaigrette
4 oz goblet of our Reserve Bordeaux
3 oz prime beef tenderloin stuffed with a lobster and stilton polenta served on a bed of grilled portabello mushrooms and a side of grilled green tomatoes
Snifter with 3 ounces Malmsey (madeira) Extra Select 30 years old
By dessert, the tables were full of conversation, laughter and general good cheer. This was the first time that they had truly had to relax since getting here. It was about 1:30 when David asked loudly, “Do we have to pay $24,000 to come back for lunch next month?” At which everyone laughed. The general attitude was that Larry should have us shut this place down and open up a cooking school. It seems they all had $500 per head war stories about bad food, surly service and general ill feelings at fancy restaurants. They all wanted to know what was for dinner. They all laughed when he said pizza and beer, knowing he was joking. Needless to say, he wasn’t, but they would find out soon enough. There was beginning to be a general warm feeling, wine, good food, nice people; it was all coming together. By now everyone was up and about, with the second session looming, it was time to stretch and loosen up. Most went out to enjoy the warm spring afternoon, with several wandering over to the shrub beds to see what Beth was doing.
Now if there is a threat to our schedules it is Beth. She can captivate the guests, especially the horny males, with her eastern country charm and classical education. She guides the guests through the various botanical projects with nonchalance and ease. So when we had four or five of the group head that way, Drake went too; otherwise, we might start the afternoon session a couple of hours late. As it was, it was all he could do to get everyone back by 2:45.
The second session started a little different. First, everyone was asked to sit beside their partner. Secondly, nearly everyone was very relaxed and appeared comfortable. The one exception was David Brown, he did not seem to be mingling or have an air of relaxation, and we knew that could spell trouble. Drake had noticed it and brought it to my attention. The agenda for the second session was for Larry and me to tell a brief history of our mutual relationship with Darla. After which, he would “warm” the group up. Then he and I would leave it to Martha and Drake.
I am always glad when we are able to recover everyone from Beth’s web of philosophy and charm. So we will now begin our second session in Phase I of the Phoenix Experience. In doing so Larry and I will share with you small insight into our co-relationship with Darla. First, let me say that we are in all ways, except legally, married to Darla. We both love her, Larry more often than me, but… Actually, that’s where it all began. Darla and I have been married for over 34 years. It has been a very happy relationship. We have two great kids, 3 grandchildren, etc. We have had only average to light trauma over this time, nothing as traumatic as many of you. We are both in good health, and we are still very much in love. However, about 14 years ago, maybe a little more, our sexual desires started to head in opposite directions. She wanted more, and I was quite happy with less. We went to doctors, therapists and more. We tried normal and we got kinky. It was all interesting, but the situation didn’t change. Then one day Darla shook my world. We had just purchased this property for the restoration project, and I was playing gentleman rancher (yeah right, can we say drugstore cowboy?). Darla and I were having breakfast; it was Saturday, June 16, 2001. She looked at me and asked if I would mind if she took a lover. Well, shock hardly covered my reaction. My first response was basically defensive and territorial. I bristled out something like, who do you have in mind, or will just anyone do? Darla is not a demure wallflower. In fact, I fully expected a very terse response. Imagine my surprise when I got a good-natured laugh. I still wasn’t laughing. No, she told me, I would never do anything like that without our mutual agreement. This was really becoming a new academic tug of war, and I felt like a real lightweight.
Ok, I’ll bite, is what you’re telling me is you want the proverbial “pool boy” so poor old Ben doesn’t kill himself in your bedchamber trying to keep up? (I was still more than a little upset.)
“No, I want someone to love, she said, not just fuck. “
Geez, this was going from bad to worse. Are you telling me that you want to get a divorce? I felt like whale crap. No, she said, not at all, in fact you would have to be a part of the relationship, too.
That did it, I needed a drink, dope, religion or a gun…I was not going to have three ways with some stud 20 years my junior, or anyone else for that matter. Hey, I am not homophobic, but I am also not in any way gay. Not happening. And I so informed Darla in no uncertain terms. Well she was no longer laughing, so I thought maybe this bad joke was over. She was quiet for a moment and then asked me if I remembered the movie Paint Your Wagon? Yes I remembered it, that hilarious scene of the bull chasing Lee Marvin, and Clint Eastwood singing love songs and… OH SHIT! They were both married to Jean Seberg. She was serious… You are talking about two husbands? I hate to tell you sweetie, but that is patently illegal. And besides… ---by now, my declining testosterone levels had gone back to their normal sub-par level and I had begun to consider this. Never make snap judgments; if you do you’re liable to end up with a 6’5” hairy ape, who cooks better than Julia Childs, sharing your toothbrush holder, and a few other things! All right sweetie, say I agree (translate, you got me), how do we go about this? What about social ramifications? What will the kids say? What will his mother say? Well, she had the answer to one of the above. Online dating. GIVE ME A BREAK! That is crap (that, and similar, crap was paying us more money than the lottery).
Then she told me she was not concerned about the kids or anyone else. She loved me but refused to go through the rest of her life deprived and horny. At the current rate of decrease in my sex drive, she estimated by 2008 we would only have to change the sheets twice a year. I pointed out that we change them twice a week now. She slapped me. (I must say I deserved it, and it really wasn’t much of a slap.) “Ok, you thickheaded idiot” (the woman really knew how to woo a guy), “pull your pants down and perform, NOW,” she demanded. I tried, I really did, and this was really exciting, but not sexually. Ok, I said, when do we start the dating game? She told me, “Now;” I simply groaned.
First rule, never argue with a woman, second rule never argue with someone possessed, third rule never argue with a person whose IQ is larger than your driver’s license number; forget it, just go to rule #1. Within 2 weeks we were going to Chicago to meet some pantywaist gourmet cook, from a snotty nose culinary institute. From there I will let Larry take over.
I had done my little speech sitting down, not Larry, he unfolded out of his chair, geez he’s big. Larry started pacing like a T-rex looking for lunch. Really he was more like a St. Bernard, he circled twice glancing at the waiting group, and then he began. His voice was a quiet cross between distant thunder and pure southern country butter. This boy has an accent that would place him in Texas to a deaf Frenchman. He began.
“I was married for 12 years to a wonderful woman, the love of my life and center of my world. We were never blessed with children, though we certainly tried. Almost 25 years ago she died of breast cancer, I was devastated. I didn’t date or socialize outside of work for nearly 10 years, and then only half-hearted. One day several years ago, I got on an Internet dating site. Within two weeks, some crazy woman had contacted me and said she wanted to meet me. Well, that’s a little out of order. We did online chat for about 10 days, then she said she wanted to meet me, but only if she could bring her chaperon. I figured that sounded pretty crazy, but what do I know. I agreed, and we set up a meeting in the hotel she would be staying at in Chicago. Since the chaperon’s name was the same as her name, I assumed it was her brother, good guess stupid."
"We met in the restaurant for lunch, and I was instantly smitten. She was so intelligent and cute at the same time, I was a goner from the start, and we had not even gotten water yet. We did the self-introductions --- Hi, I am Larry. Hi, I’m Darla. Hi, I’m Ben, Darla’s husband. Whoa, not good, I had heard that there were real nuts on the Internet, but this was not what I expected at all. I really did not know what to do, though I must admit to more than a little curiosity. Besides, I knew I could handle him easily, but she was another matter," he said grinning at me. "Ben was the designated spokesman, and he spoke fast. That little shit could sell Honey Baked Ham in an orthodox synagogue. Well I stayed through lunch, and I listened. Well, I did talk just a bit. The whole idea was really nuts, but interesting. Ben swears to this day that what happened next was not planned, but I do not believe him. As we were getting up, having set a late date for that night after my restaurant duties were over, a cop walked in and was directed to us. Actually, I knew it wasn’t a set up by the apprehension in their faces. It seemed that some idiot had stolen Ben’s truck back in Texas and had been caught in Ohio. It was stolen before they left, so that part was no surprise, finding it was, and in good shape. He had a choice, he could go get it and drive back, or he could have it towed 1200 miles. He suggested that we get acquainted that night and see how things worked out. He promised to be back in 2-3 days, depending on red tape."