Published By
Ria Goff
Worcester, MA
Copyright © 2007 Ria Goff
ASIN : B001F0RSV8
“Don’t go near the river Jenny”
“I still hear her saying this to me. Every single time I look out this window at that river, I hear her.” Absently she ran her hands up and down her arms.
“She was always like that, don’t do it Jenny. Don’t go near the river, don’t step foot on that stage, don’t marry him Jenny.” She pursed her lips and turned around slowly.
“Damn it.” She swore softly under her breath.
“Damn it” this time it was louder, stronger.
“Tell me what you’re feeling right now.” The voice was educated and soft. “Angry, I wanted to play in the river, I needed to step foot on the stage. But she never understood me; she never understood I wouldn’t have married him. It wasn’t because of her insistent don’t do it’s either. I told her a thousand times I was a lesbian. Roughly one thousand times she tried to set me up with suitable young men. They were all polite enough, but male. There in lays the problem” The bell sounded across the desk from where she had finally come to rest.
“Jennifer” the older woman cleared her throat.
“You’re finally starting to understand that you are strong enough to be your own person. Why not grab onto that for a while, maybe travel?” she removed her glasses and rubbed the tip of her nose now, watching the conflict play amongst the younger woman’s features.
“Travel?” Jenny rolled the thought around in her head.
“I could travel.” She shrugged her shoulders and paced back to the window. On a burst of laughter she turned around and met the doctor’s eye.
“I won an Oscar.” She shrugged her shoulders again.
“I guess that means I can travel” she smiled widely.
“Yes you can. You don’t need me Jenny.” She smiled slowly.
“You’re a perfectly normal young lady who misses her mother.” Jenny cocked her head to the side slightly and thought about it a moment.
“I do miss my mother. She wasn’t the normal Mother everyone desired or even ever dreamed of having.” Jenny moved restlessly now from window to window. “But she listened to me when I spoke, almost always.” She paused and let her mind wander for a moment.
“Almost always Jennifer?” the question was there, Jenny heard her ask it, but her mind had gone so far away. She found herself answering the questions, but in her mind she was a million miles and countless years away from where she stood.
From her bedroom window she watched the lazy bend of the river as it rolled and tucked itself so peacefully and easily into the trees. She heard the voices carry on the stale summer air of children playing and screaming as they ran through the yards in her neighborhood, or dove innocently into the forbidden waters of the river. She knew they would be riding their bikes and playing stick ball, she herself would soon be doing her chores. Not the ideal summer dream to most but she wanted her Mother to see her as the young adult she had become at 13 and allow her to leave her neighborhood to take acting classes in the next town over. She wanted more than anything to get up on the stage, have the lights center in on her and pour her heart out. Days later her Mother had forbade that dream.
“Don’t you ever even think about setting foot on that stage Jenny, I need you based here in reality. A strong husband is what you need; yes I do believe a good strong man would straighten you out.”
She snapped herself back to reality and found she wasn’t in therapy with Dr. Wayne, but in her own living room. She smiled absently at the young man who sat idly across from her, gripping his pen in anticipation of that one great story. She leaned forward slowly, pulled a cigarette out of a slightly crumpled paper pack that sat on the highly polished table beside her and lit it.
“Did you hear my question?” Thomas Cage asked softly and quietly pushed the ashtray closer to her.
“What was that?” Jenny asked, her more than 97 years crackling through in her voice as her eyes focused back on his face.
“Why did you marry John Elms?” Cage leaned rested his elbow on his knee, then his chin against his face.
“Why did I marry John?” she chuckled now.
“Darling I come from a day and age where a woman like me wouldn’t have been understood.” She laughed her rusty laugh and let the memories flood in.
“Lesbians were best left to the back alleys, darkened hotel rooms and underground bars.” She smiled at him again.
“Where to begin?” she tapped her finger against her chin thoughtfully.
“Let’s start at the beginning” Thomas suggested quietly. She nodded and closed her eyes, she could almost hear the memories as the gates creaked open and smiled as they over came her.
“Jennifer this is John Elms, he will be playing opposite you in the upcoming show” Nancy Soft shook his hand and led him to the chair beside Jennifer. Jennifer smiled nicely at him, and leaning forward shook his hand.
“I am also John’s agent, and I’d like to talk to you both about an idea I had.” She smiled like the cat that ate the canary and sat down across from them.
“See there is one common problem you are both having.” She paused and took a deep breath.
“People just don’t understand homosexuality” she paused waiting for them to acknowledge the point she was trying to make.
“And?” John asked and lit a cigarette.
“Neither of you are getting the parts you deserve because of the rumors of your sexuality.” Nancy met Jennifer’s gaze and held it for a moment.
“My sexuality has nothing to do with my ability to move a crowd” Jennifer said softly and took the cigarette John offered her and drew heavily on it.
“Of course not dear” Nancy leaned forward and patted her hand.
“You said you had an idea.” John pointed out and winked at Jenny who smiled brightly.
“I think the two of you should marry” Nancy said quickly, causing Jenny to choke on her tea and spit it all over John’s suit.
“Marry?” John sputtered and handed Jenny a napkin while brushing at his own jacket with his other hand.
“Hear me out on this” Nancy rushed on quickly.
“You better have a damn good explanation for what you just said or you will be less a client” John said quietly.
“Or two” Jenny said with a cocky smile.
“Now just hold on” Nancy rushed on again.
“The both of you are brilliant, think for a moment, just a moment how far you could go if you joined forces. A husband and wife team would blow America away, then the rest of the world would quickly follow suit. You could own the silver screen; you are both talented enough to be the reigning royalty in Hollywood. All you have to do is step up and grab that brass ring, and that gold ring on your finger is just another wrung in the ladder that leads you from the pits to the top.” She paused and waited.
“Are you telling me the only way you think I’ll ever make it to the top is to marry this woman?” John had disbelief written all over his face.
“No, not at all.” Nancy shook her head slowly.
“I just think you could help each other get there faster.” She said softly.
“It was very nice to meet you” John smiled at Jennifer and stood up slowly. Bending he picked up his jacket, then John Elms did something that would forever earn his Jennifer’s friendship, he turned slowly and smiled brightly at Nancy. He unzipped his fly and began to urinate in the coffee table.
“What are you doing?” Nancy sputtered and jumped out of her chair as if horrified.
“Well you see sunshine” he began “I was having a wonderful day till I got here and you pissed all over my parade, so I’m merely pissing all over your tea party.” He finished, took the time to shake himself off and zipped his fly.
“Just returning the favor, Sugar” he winked at her and pulled his coat on.
“By the way, you’re fired.” He smiled brilliantly and tossed a wink in Jenny’s direction.
“You can stuff your idea, and your inability to believe in my talent. Now I’m taking my new friend to dinner to make up for her having to watch me piss on your coffee table.” He reached for Jenny’s hand and led her to the door.
“Fire her” he ordered under his breath.
“You’re fired!” Jenny called over her shoulder as he pulled her out the door and down the hall. They laughed as they got on the elevator and heard Nancy scream and glass shatter.
“She’s good at that” John lit another cigarette and hit the down button.
“What’s that?” she asked.
“Pissing on your parade of course” he laughed out loud now, a long rolling laugh. “Of course” Jenny laughed with him.
“Did you plan that or just kind of wing it?” she asked as the doors slid open.
“I definitely did not plan it.” He chuckled.
“I wouldn’t have taken you for a fag” Jenny said over her shoulder as she climbed into the taxi.
“Well I wouldn’t have taken you for a ladies lady either.” He smiled companionably and closed the door behind him.
“What if she was right?” Jenny asked softly as the taxi left the corner where it had picked them up and began towards the restaurant he had chosen for them.
“About us getting married?” he chuckled and looked out the window of the car for a moment. Then slowly he tipped his head to the side.
“Do you really think we could own the silver screen?” He asked Jenny as he paid the driver.
“Darling, we could own America” she smiled brightly.
Once inside they were shown to their table immediately, not because of who they were, but because the place was a dive.
“Nice place” she muttered under her breath.
“Hell I know it looks shabby, but the food is first class doll.” He smiled at her and ordered a bottle of wine. It turned out the more wine they drank the more her idea didn’t sound so bad.
“So we would have to share a house, but could have our own beds?” Jenny clinked her glass against his.
“Your own life, your own lover” John assured her.
“And you won’t ever piss on our coffee table?” she laughed at him openly now. “Not a drop” he laughed too.
“It’s certainly something to think about.” Jenny pondered out loud.
“I’ve never wanted anything more than to own the stage, to pour everything I am into it then step back and smile, just stand back and look… then there I am surrounded by noise and lights, heart and soul and my very own blood and sweat. If I can’t give it my all, I don’t want any of it” John smiled down at her warmly. “Sounds pretty mushy doesn’t it?” he said with a soft laugh and lifted his mug slowly.
“It sounds like everything I’ve ever wanted and then some. You are a marvelous woman John” she chuckled.
“You’re not a bad bloke yourself” he smiled and pulled his wallet out slowly. “Hey Jenny?” he asked softly as he stood to go pay the check.
“Yes John?” she batted her eyelashes in mock fascination at him.
“Would you like to own Tinsel town with me?” he said softly but looking at him as if pondering a long lost puzzle piece, she watched his hands shake and felt the tremble in her own stomach.
“I don’t like boys” she sighed slowly.
“That’s ok darling” he smiled back at her brightly.
“Cause I don’t like girls” his dimples flashed as he swept her out of the booth. “You heard her Jenny” he swung her around in a wide excited circle.
“Marry me and we will own Hollywood, separate we are being held back, together we will touch the stars, I promise you.”
Touching her eyes now, 64 years later, she smiled slowly.
“I did touch the stars; he gave me everything he promised and then some. I am probably the only lesbian ever that could possibly say, I honestly loved my husband… I loved his lover too” she smiled blankly for a moment, then slowly turned her attention back to Tom.
“Did you love him?” he asked and scribbled more notes into his notebook.
“Did I love him?” she smiled brilliantly.
“Darling he was my world” her rusty laugh filled the room.
“That man would have walked on fire for me he would have touched every star in the sky just to please me. There were times when I thought, really thought, he would have done anything for me, anything.” She smiled again.
“You miss him” it was not a question, but a statement and her eyes snapped back to his and for a moment he was blessed with the gift of naked pain as it danced around her iris then disappeared.
“There are so few words to describe how I feel towards his death.” She paused a moment then slowly lit another cigarette. Thoughtfully she inhaled, paused another moment then met Tom’s eye.
“If I was to lose a limb, I would miss it but eventually the loss I felt would be minimal. Sooner or later I’d forget I ever had a foot or 2 ears, whatever” she waved off the thought.
“Losing John was like sacrificing my very own soul” she sighed mournfully.
“No one had ever gotten so close to me, and I will never allow that ever again, with anyone.” She shook her head woefully for a moment then smiled that sunny smile for him once again.
“John was life” she stated it, all strength and vibrance.
“He was life there is no other way to put it.” Tom watched her fade out once again, he sat with his notebook balanced on his lap and listened in awe as she relived yet another memory for him.
“I had been married to John for roughly 7 weeks when he first brought Phillip home. I had just turned 21 and we were having the times of our lives.” She let it all flood in now, watching in her memory as the front door swung open. It would have been 1944 she remembered. John had led Phillip in by the hand and they had looked so young and happy. She remembered looking through the house and seeing their hands all over each other before either had realized she was there. She’d cleared her throat and listened to their startled heavy breathing and guilty laughter.
“Oh Jenny” John had panted on the tail end of his laughter.
“I’d like you to meet my friend Phillip” he had smiled lovingly over at the younger man. Phillip had been impossibly quiet and incredibly adorable. The problem was that neither he nor John could keep their peckers in their pants or their hands to themselves. Every time Jenny had turned around another male was in John’s bed and she had suspected the same was happening at Phillips house across town. Once on a show she and John had been shooting together, she had walked into his dressing room and found their producer on his knee’s with John’s dick in his mouth. It was at that moment that Jenny stopped wondering why their directors tended to pay him slightly more than her. It wasn’t because she was less talented it was because he had a cock they wanted to suck. Suck it they did, it seemed to be a constant thing. Since they had married John seemed to be getting blown more than Florida in hurricane season and the real problem was Jenny had hit a dry spell. Lesbians didn’t tend to flock to married women and though they all knew better to think Jenny was sleeping with John, the phone had fallen unusually silent and she ached to wake to a lover beside her. Yet morning after morning the pillow beside her remained empty. In exchange for her empty bed and suppressed sexual urges she found herself getting bigger and better rolls. She was truly taking over Hollywood one script at a time. She was amazed at times by how far she had come, though at other times she have traded it all for someone who loved her. Not a quick one night love session that had passions that burned off of fame and money, but passion that burned slow and real for years to come. She supposed it was too much to ask, she couldn’t have her career and a love life too. Though John did it and on this particular day when she woke up hollow and empty by the empty pillow laying by her side, it was Phillip she found in the kitchen. He had poured her a cup of coffee and smiled meekly.
“You don’t come around much anymore” Jenny had smiled sadly into her coffee cup.
“It’s 1944 doll” he smiled wickedly.
“Homosexuals may not be everywhere, but where they are is where the party is.” He winked at her.
“And I’m always in the mood for a good party.” His smile dulled a little when he caught the edge of Jenny’s sadness.
“Tell me what troubles you?” he took her hand and smiled companionably into her eyes.
“It’s exactly what you just said.” She shook her head and pushed her coffee away. “It’s 1944 and homosexuals are not everywhere. I can’t find a date or someone to come home with me.” She looked down at her wedding band.
“Since I’ve married John he’s fucked anything and everything with a cute ass and daring smile.” She sighed.
“And you’ve fucked no one but yourself since the ring slid onto your finger” Phillip nodded knowingly and laughed nervously for a second before patting her hand and clearing his throat.
“Maybe women are threatened by your ring” he offered.
“Why would they be? The ring on his finger just seems to bring more of them on!” she threw up her hands in frustration.
“See that’s also a problem” he nodded his head at her and smiled slowly.
“You have to stop comparing yourself to John. John is a whore, this is a fault all his own.” He smiled sadly.
“Do you wish he was not?” Jenny asked and pulled her mug back towards herself, drinking slowly.
“Sometimes I wish he could just love me, only me” he looked out the window. “Other times I’m glad he has so many others willing to take care of him. John is beautiful and John is lovely. He’s also stubborn, childish, immature and at times more than I can handle” He looked down at his hands now.
“I love him” he said sadly. “But I don’t know how to make him love me” he shook his head.
“Maybe he doesn’t know how to love you” Jenny patted his hand.
“Maybe I am just not what he’s looking for. I can make him laugh and smile, cry and cum. But I can’t make him hold me after we have sex and I need that.” He sighed heavily and smiled at Jenny.
“I’m sure this is exactly what you wanted to hear, I’m in love with your husband but all I am to him is a fuck hole when he needs one” he stood up and picked up his coat.
“Will you be Ok?” Jenny stood with him and wrapped him in a tight hug. He patted her back and held her tight for a moment.
“I’m always Ok darling” He smiled brightly as they pulled apart and tried his hardest to hide the tears threatening from behind his eyes.
“If you ever need a friend” Jenny said softly. He met her eyes and nodded.
“I’ll be back Jenny, I won’t ever just walk away from him, I can’t” He smiled sadly and dabbed at his eyes.
So this was 1944 on November 7th Franklin Roosevelt was elected back into office and somewhere along the line the Summer Olympics scheduled to be held in London were canceled due to World War 2. Hitler survives an assassination attempt on his life and Rommel was forced to commit suicide for his alleged involvement in the plot to kill Hitler. Bing Crosby ruled the radio waves and John was clearly losing his mind. As the year moved forward he drank more, the only upside was he seemed to fuck far less. So he had plenty of time to be fall on his face drunk. Phillip no longer came around looking for him; Jenny believed what John was going through was self inflicted depression due to his inability to commit to John. Or more simply, heart break. She avoided him as much as possible. His mood was constantly sour and he stunk of booze and sweat. She wished Phillip would come around and put him back on his feet, she knew desperately what it was like to need to love and have no one to give it too. Out of fear for John and desperation to end his suffering she went to Phillip herself. Though he was sober he looked just as pained and somber as her house mate.
“I can’t go back Jenny” he had wept softly.
“I can’t be the one he crawls too when no one else is available. If he can’t love me, I can’t let him touch me anymore.” Phillip had been strong on these points. Jenny had watched his heart ache in his eyes, heard it echo through in his voice.
“He’s drowning” she told him softly.
“He’s drowning because he pours his heart into a bottle instead of into people, I can’t compete with other boys anymore and I won’t compete with a fucking bottle” he had been angry but more than angry he had been pained by this statement. She remembered leaving him with an ache in her own chest and wished she could change John into what Phillip needed. She felt powerless and more than ever she felt alone.
Then there had been Bette. It was summer 1945, on April 8th Hitler had commit suicide and on August 6th the US dropped atomic bombs on Hiroshima. The world seemed all too fucked up to Jenny then she met Bette and began to forget all that was plaguing her mind. Bette had been long and leggy, edgy and hot and Jenny had been eager to get her home and into a position that was both satisfying and fulfilling. They had met on the sound stage where Jenny was doing an on air radio show where she was joined by the very talented cast of the community theater. Bette had been their leading lady and their leading man had his eyes on her yet she remained oblivious to his wanton looks. She caught Jenny’s eye and it wasn’t long before Jenny realized she had caught hers as well. She had gone to her dressing room and taken off her top to change. The studio hot and a lighter shirt was all she had dreamed about for hours. She stood their in her bra when the door had been pushed open and she had walked in. Seemingly her presence filled the entire room. In two long strides she had been in front of Jenny, her smile had been wicked and her eyes determined. She had traced her finger along the fabric of her bra, walked around behind her and lowered her lips to less than an inch away from Jenny’s ear. “Tell me you don’t want me” she said softly and brushed herself up against the back of Jenny. Jenny shook her head, as her voice had suddenly become lodged in her throat. Bette had reached around and pulled her hips back, slowly she pushed herself up against her as her lips wandered down Jenny’s ear, then throat. She had filled her hands with her breasts and listened to her soft moan. The knock on the door had caused Jenny to groan regrettably.
“Take me home with you after the show” Bette had whispered softly next to her ear. Jenny nodded her head then choosing to ignore the door. She turned around and found her confidence, slowly she backed Bette up until they bumped into her vanity. Make up bottles and perfumes shattered and broke as they fell onto the floor, Bette’s back was flat against the mirror and Jenny stood between her legs. This time it was Bette who moaned when Jenny’s hands and lips skimmed over her. Need raced between them a fire quick to start and Jenny prayed just as easily to extinguish. The knock sounded again and reluctantly they broke apart, Jenny pulled her shirt on and someone how she managed to finish the next hour of on air entertainment. She shared a cab with Bette as they made their way down town for dinner. They laughed and had a fabulous time. Jenny couldn’t believe how much they had in common. At the end of the evening she walked Jenny home and stood anxiously with her out on the porch. The danced around in the moon light like a couple of teenagers anxiously shuffling from one foot to the other. Jenny smiled nervously as the other woman moved closer to her.
“I can’t touch you out here” she whispered softly as she felt Bette’s chest press up against her own.
“Someone could see us” she spoke breathlessly, finding it hard to stand under such a smoldering glare.
“Ask me to come inside” Bette whispered softly, liking her lips nervously, Jenny wiped her wet palms on her jacket and smiled challengingly.
“Would you like a night cap?” she asked gently in the moon light as she slowly opened the door behind her.
“No” Bette laughed as she followed her inside.
“I want breakfast”. With that the door closed behind them and laughter echoed.
Weeks passed and the two became inseparable. They were spotted in numerous places together as all the early tabloid magazines began to print in their headlines. Trouble started 5 and a ½ weeks after they started seeing each other. While walking close together on a sound stage they thought was deserted, Bette had backed Jenny against the wall and kissed her breathless. A photograph of that moment, the exact moment Jenny realized she was in love, was heavily posted in every magazine city wide. Her agent’s phone rang non stop and suddenly there was no work anywhere for Jenny or Bette.