Carnal Passions Presents
Light Switch
By
Lauren Gallagher
This is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents and dialogues in this book are of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is completely coincidental.
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
Carnal Passions
A Division of Champagne Books
Copyright 2010 by Lauren Gallagher
ISBN 9781897445730
January 2011
Cover Art by Amanda Kelsey
Produced in Canada
Champagne Books
#35069-4604 37 ST SW
Calgary, AB T3E 7C7
Canada
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
SMASHWORDS EDITION
Other Books by Lauren Gallagher
Between Brothers
The Next Move
Until It's Over
Dedication
To everyone who made this book possible,
Especially Steve and Kathleen.
I couldn’t have done this without you.
-L. Gallagher
One
I knew my relationship was over when I wore the lacy purple lingerie for my neighbor, not my boyfriend.
Pulling a pair of jeans and a plain sweatshirt over the garter, panties, and bra, I knew. Truth and guilt sank deeper into the pit of my stomach with every passing minute. Tonight was the night.
I went into the bathroom to fix my hair and put on a little makeup. Why I bothered, God only knew, but at least it was a way to pass the time before my boyfriend arrived. The antiquated clock radio on the bathroom counter said it was nearly seven thirty. Alec would be here any minute. With any luck and a little courage on my part, he’d finally be gone not long after that.
He’d be gone, leaving me with Matt.
Not that I had any intention of touching Matt. I’d entertained a few fantasies of taking him to bed, but I’d been with Alec since before Matt and I met. Whatever problems we had, I wasn’t about to fool around on Alec. No, I wasn’t going to touch Matt tonight. We wouldn’t even be in the same room.
In the two years that we’d been neighbors, Matt and I had never touched beyond the occasional handshake or hug. We’d become fast friends, but everything about our close friendship was strictly platonic.
When light and time cooperated, however, he watched me from his bedroom window, which was across the narrow alley from my own.
He looked at me. Alec didn’t bother anymore.
It had started innocently enough. A window shade carelessly left open. A change of clothes. A well-timed glance.
Eye contact and startled gasps from both sides of the alley had ended the moment as quickly as it had begun. For days, we were shy and coy, passing on the sidewalk without looking at each other, the accidental voyeur and unintended exhibitionist who’d been caught in the act.
Beneath the embarrassment, though, there lurked a part of me that found a delicious thrill in that momentary exposure. Perhaps I’d imagined the look on his face in that fleeting second before we’d both turned away in a panic, but I was sure his eyes had widened and his lips had parted with more than just the startle of seeing a random topless woman. Wishful thinking or not, I let myself believe he’d looked because he liked seeing me like that. It had been too long since someone had done so, and right or wrong, I liked it.
Had he been some stranger, I’d have been creeped out and probably invested in blackout curtains.
He wasn’t a stranger, though. He was Matt, and after a few days, I left the shade open again. It took almost a week for him to take me up on my unspoken invitation. One night, while I got ready for bed, surreptitious glances in the mirror revealed the ghost of a silhouette in his window, a dark profile against a darker background, and I knew he was there. He was there, and I wanted him to be. I wanted him to see.
I didn’t look. I didn’t even acknowledge him. But that night, and a handful of nights afterward, he was there.
Tonight, standing in my bathroom as I got ready to drop a long overdue bomb on Alec, I sighed. My shoulders fell, and when they did, the dark purple strap peeked out from beneath my reflection’s shirt. I tucked it away, meeting my own eyes and averting them when my cheeks turned pink.
If Alec noticed what I’d worn beneath my casual clothes, he’d turn up his nose and call it trashy. He wouldn’t see it, though. Even if I lost my nerve and let him stay like I had so many times in the last year, tonight would be like any other. In the best case scenario, we’d wordlessly undress ourselves in the dark so we could have silent, passionless sex before going to sleep a thousand miles apart.
At least, if that happened, there would be just enough light spilling in from outside for Matt to see.
I sighed and looked myself in the eye again. This had to stop. Though Matt and I never touched, nor did we ever speak about this in our friendly, unassuming conversations, the guilt was getting to me. This window-to-window affair of glances wasn’t right.
Holding my own gaze, I took and released a deep breath. Yes, I was going to do this. Tonight. Swallowing hard, I touched up a phantom smudge in my smoky eye shadow and fixed a strand of hair that was perfectly in place.
From down the hall, the crunch of a key and click of a deadbolt broke the silence. The front door opened.
I took another breath, shut off the bathroom light, and went out to meet Alec.
He was just shrugging his jacket off when I rounded the corner. With a quick, expressionless glance, he acknowledged my presence, then hung his jacket in the hall closet. “Sorry I’m late. Got held up at the office.”
“Don’t worry about it. Just gave me a little more time to get ready.”
The next look he shot me was a quick down-up sweep with his eyes, followed by a lifted eyebrow that said nothing if not “that is what you call ‘ready?’”
I shifted my weight, gritting my teeth. Keep it up, sweetheart. You’re making this easy for me.
He put his hand on my waist and kissed me lightly. “So, what’s the plan for tonight?” Another down-up glance scrutinized my appearance before he added, “I assume you want to stay in?”
I pursed my lips, resisting the urge to fold my arms across my chest. “Yes, actually.”
“Sounds good.” He smiled. “I think we still have a few DVDs to watch, don’t we?”
“We do.” I hesitated. “But first, I’d like to… talk.”
His eyebrows jumped. “About?”
“Us.”
“Us?” He shrugged with one shoulder. “Well, okay. Let’s talk, then.” He didn’t sound alarmed.
“How about in the living room?” I gestured down the hall and started in that direction without giving him a chance to object. “Do you want something to drink?”
“I think I’m okay, thanks.” He took a seat on the couch with his arm across the back of it, his usual invitation for me to sit beside him. The thought of that arm curling around my shoulders made my skin crawl.
Instead, I sat toward the middle, creating just enough distance to keep him from wrapping his arm around me. Turning to him, I pulled my knee up onto the cushion between us. His eyes darted to my knee, then met mine.
He cleared his throat. “So, um, what’s going on?”
Wringing my hands, I avoided his eyes. “Just, I…” Come on, Kristen, come on. You can do this.
He put his hand on my thigh, dangerously close to the telltale edge of the hidden garter. “Is this about moving in together?”
“Well, no. I mean, not exactly. It’s…” I wanted to scream with frustration. This wasn’t the first time I’d tried to have this conversation with him, and it wasn’t the first time I’d gotten tongue-tied.
Squeezing my leg gently, he said, “Look, if it's too much for you, it’s okay. We don’t have to do it right now.” His tone teetered between empathizing and patronizing, and I couldn’t tell which way it was intended.
Instead of looking at him, I stared at the subtle ridge my garter made beneath my jeans. “Listen, I don’t think we should move in together. At all.”
“You don’t?” At last, a hint of alarm crept into his voice. “But, why not? I mean, after all this time, wouldn’t it make sense?”
“It would, yes.” I swallowed hard and forced myself to meet his eyes. “If we were planning to get married, or—”
He laughed. “Is that what this is about? Well, if you want to start thinking about getting married instead—”
“No, no, it’s not that.”
He cocked his head. “Then, what?”
Wetting my lips, I whispered, “I don’t think we should move in together because I—” Come on, come on, just do it. Get it out there. “I don’t think we should stay together.”
Before he even had a chance to react, the weight of
the world slipped off my secretly lace-covered shoulders. Finally.
Alec blinked. “You, what?”
“I don’t think this is working.”
“You,” he paused. “You want to end this?” He gestured at me, then at himself.
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Well, I guess I can see now why you never wanted to move in together.”
I couldn’t blame him for the bitterness in his tone. We’d been discussing it for over a year, and I’d been sidestepping the issue because I’d been trying to work up the courage to tell him I wanted out. Without meeting his eyes, I nodded.
Alec abruptly stood. While I was relieved to have some breathing room, I was afraid he was going to storm out. As much as I wanted him to be gone, we needed to settle this here and now, not set ourselves up for a period of cooling down, followed by another conversation.
He didn’t leave, though. Instead, he paced between the coffee table and the television, running his fingertips back and forth across his stubbled jaw. “I don’t get it.” He shook his head. “After four years, you just want to up and quit?”
“It’s not exactly a conclusion I came to overnight.”
“Oh really? So when were you planning to enlighten me?”
I sighed. “That’s what I’m doing now. This isn’t something I went into lightly.”
“So what the hell is the problem?” he asked.
“I just don’t think we’re…” I trailed off, searching for the word. “Compatible.”
“Of course we are. We wouldn’t have lasted this long if we weren’t.”
And we shouldn’t have lasted this long. “Look, Alec, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to hurt you, but I’m not happy with things. I’m not happy—”
“With me?”
I sighed again. “Yes. I’m not happy with the way things are with us, and I’m ready to move on.”
“I don’t see how you can be unhappy.”
Of course you don’t. You would have to have paid attention to pick up on that. “I am.” I struggled to keep my voice gentle and calm. “We want different things out of life. Half the time when we’re talking, we’re fighting.”
“We wouldn’t fight if you didn’t pick fights all the time.”
I took a deep breath. “I don’t pick fights because I enjoy it. If something’s bothering me, I tell you.”
He exhaled hard. “Yeah, and every damned thing bothers you, doesn’t it?”
“No. Not everything. But enough.” I wrung my hands. “I mean, look at our sex life.”
“What? What about it? We have sex more than most couples that have been together this long.”
“Yes, we do,” I said. “But we never try anything new. There’s no variety. It’s just the same thing, over and over and over.”
He set his jaw. “After this long, I think we’ve tried everything, don’t you?”
“No, I absolutely don’t think we have.”
“What else is there?”
“Haven’t you ever wanted to spice things up? Try something unusual? I’ve suggested a few things over the years, but you haven’t wanted to try a damned thing.”
He shrugged. “I’m perfectly happy with things the way they are.”
“To put it bluntly, I’m not.”
Alec blinked. He eyed me, shifting his weight. “So you’re bored with me, then.” It wasn’t a question.
“I’m bored with our sex life.”
“And that’s enough to make you want to call things off?”
“There’s plenty more to it than that, but that was my first clue that things weren’t going so great. I want to try new things. You don’t. So I’m bored to the point of being miserable.”
“I can’t believe you’d end a relationship like this because of sex.” Alec shook his head. “Am I supposed to be some kinky porn star to keep you entertained?”
“Not at all.” I fought to keep my temper in check. “But it would be nice if you at least looked at me once in a while
in the bedroom.”
“In the dark?”
“You could turn on the light,” I snapped. “And maybe when you’re done with that, try doing the same to me.” It was only when he stopped pacing that I realized I’d said the words out loud. My heart pounded. I hadn’t intended to go there, but there was no taking it back now.
“You’re unbelievable.” He threw his hands up. “If there was something wrong with us in the bedroom, why didn’t you bring it up a long time ago?”
“I’ve tried. Time and again. And quite frankly, I’m tired of it.”
“Oh, you have?” He folded his arms and cocked his head. “When? How?”
“Maybe all the times I’ve told you I’d like to try new things? I haven’t exactly kept a list of dates and times, but I’ve brought it up more than once.” I paused. “You either don’t want to talk about it, think I’m concerned about nothing, or turn up your nose at whatever I suggest.”
“Like what?”
“Well, how about when we went to Cabo last year? I suggested fooling around on the beach, on our balcony, on—”
“I’m not going to fuck you in public.” His lips contorted with disgust. “Jesus, Kristen.”
I rolled my eyes. “And what about the handcuffs we bought two years ago, but have never used?”
“We don’t need to use handcuffs,” he said with a dismissive gesture.
“We don’t need to do a lot of things, but I think it would be fun. That’s the kind of stuff I want to try.”
“So, what? Just having sex isn’t enough for you? Now you have to try all that freaky, kinky shit?”
“Why is it freaky?” I shrugged. “Some of it could be fun.”
“No, no, absolutely not.” He glared at me. “I think you’ve been listening to too many stories from that friend of yours.”
“Who? Scott?”
“The one who’s into all that weird crap, yeah.”
I scowled. “He’s told me a few things, yes, but—”
“See? You’ve just been listening to him.” Alec inclined his head, giving me that patronizing look I’d grown to despise. “Normal people don’t do that shit, Kristen.”
Fury coiled in my gut. “Then maybe I’m not normal.”
“Or maybe you’ve just been around that freak too long. I’ve never liked you hanging around him any—”
“I beg your pardon?” I stood, mirroring his defensive stance. “Now you want to dictate who I spend my time with?”
He gave a flippant shrug. “I just don’t like you hanging around that asshole.”
“Why? Because he’s into things you’re not?”
“Or maybe I just don’t like my girlfriend discussing sex with another man.”
“Oh, I can understand that,” I said through my teeth. “She might get ‘ideas’ in her pretty little head about how to fix a lackluster sex life, and she might even try to apply those ‘ideas’ to the relationship she’s trying to save.”
“Yeah, and—”
“Or, heaven forbid, she might just suddenly realize there’s more to sex than a little quiet missionary style in the fucking dark.”
He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t think I’m the problem, then.”
“Neither is Scott. I talk to him because he listens to me. Something you stopped doing a long, long time ago.”
“Fine.” He put his hands up. “You know, between that sick fuck and that friend of yours next door, I figured it was only a matter of time anyway.”
My jaw fell open. “What?”
“You heard me.”
“Are you suggesting that—”
“Are you denying it?” he snarled.
“I have never cheated on you.” Guilt twisted in my stomach. It was true, I hadn’t touched another man, but the temptation had been there. One of the first signs this relationship was in trouble was when I caught myself fantasizing not only about the wild things Scott told me, but Scott himself. Then came the voyeuristic tryst with Matt. Though I’d never touched either of them, the guilt was killing me just the same. I’d cheated in mind, if not in body, which
was why this needed to end.
“Never?” Alec broke the lengthy silence that had fallen. “Somehow I doubt that.”
My face burned, no doubt making me look even guiltier than I was. “You don’t trust me?”
“Should I?”
I clenched my jaw. His constant suspicion and distrust were among the countless nails we’d driven into this coffin. Thank God we were finally going to bury the fucking thing.
“Look, I may be frustrated,” I said. “But I do love you, Alec. I wouldn’t cheat on you.”
“But you’ll leave me?”
“Yes.” The word came so easily, so unflinchingly. “Yes. I need to.”
“You know what? Fine.” He glared at me again. “I’ll go, and you can have all the crazy, freakish sex you want. Mark my words, though. In a few months, after you’ve had a little fun and realize how sick it all is, you’ll regret this.”
“Somehow I doubt that.” Our lackluster sex life was the wedge we’d used to finally cleave our relationship apart, but if it had failed to do so, we had plenty more that would have done the job.
“We’ll see, won’t we?” He shifted his weight. “I don’t suppose you’ll let me take my stuff before you kick me out?”
I nodded down the hall. “Go right ahead.”
With a sharp huff, he stormed past me. I followed him into my bedroom.
Now that he was moving, now that he was doing something besides standing there talking to me, his fury escalated, just as it always did. He jerked open the closet door and went about ripping shirts and a coat off hangers and throwing them onto the bed he’d probably expected to share with me tonight.
“I can’t believe you, Kristen,” he said over his shoulder. “You’re really willing to let all of this go because I won’t be a freak like whatshisname.”
“No. The sex is only part of it.”
He slammed a pair of shoes down and kicked the closet door shut. “Really? So what else is there?”
“Well, this.” I gestured at him. “Every time you get mad, you start throwing shit around, slamming doors, yelling
at me—”
“Oh, so now I’m not allowed to get angry?” he shouted, turning on his heel and facing me. “Am I just supposed to sit here like a good little boy and let you tell me I’ve just wasted four years of my fucking life?”
I drew back, folding my arms to keep my hands from shaking. “There’s a happy medium between that and flipping out at—”
“I’m not fucking flipping out at you, Kristen,” he snarled, closing the gap between us. “You can’t expect to say this kind of shit and—”
“And what?” I stepped toward him, and to my great satisfaction, he shrank back slightly. “Am I tied to you for the rest of my life? Am I not allowed to move on if I’m not happy anymore?”
“After all this time, the least you could do is put some effort into fixing it instead of running away.”
I flipped my hands out, palms up. “I’m not going to argue anymore, Alec. I want out, I want you out, so just get your stuff and leave.”
He said nothing, but the rage in his eyes almost made me step back myself. At the very edges of my peripheral vision, he clenched and unclenched his fists. For the first time in four years, I wondered if he might just raise a hand to me, and I could neither draw nor release a breath until he muttered a curse and turned back to gathering his belongings.
On his way out, he stopped at the hall closet to yank his jacket off the hanger and put it over his arm. Then he jerked his key off the ring and tossed it on the table by the door.
“Looks like that’s everything.” He opened the front door. “Unless you had anything else you needed to say?”
I shook my head.
He sneered at me. “Not even good-bye?”
“I think we’ve already said that, don’t you?”
Cursing under his breath, he left, slamming the door behind him. I turned the deadbolt and went back into my bedroom, dropping onto the bed and releasing a long breath. Uncomfortable though it was, that conversation had needed to happen for a long, long time. We’d both made our mistakes over the last few years. We’d both caused our fair share of problems in this relationship. At least now, it was over. Thank God, it was over.
With another long exhalation, I looked at the clock. It was barely eight o’clock. Still plenty of time to go out and grab a drink, vent to a girlfriend, do something other than stay home in this silent apartment. With my newfound freedom came the long overdue ability to go out and take care of some of this sexual frustration. Maybe with someone who knew what he was doing. A one night stand had never been so tempting. I could go out. Or I could turn off the light and go to sleep.
I didn’t go out.
I didn’t turn off the light.
I didn’t go to sleep.
I just took off my shirt and hoped Matt liked purple satin.
Two
A few days after Alec and I broke up, I joined a group of friends at our usual Friday night watering hole. The music was blasting and the place was packed, but I sat at our booth, alone with my thoughts. I wasn’t down or depressed, I wasn’t regretting my decision to kick Alec to the curb, I was just… thinking.
The split had been long overdue, but it was enough upheaval to knock my world off its axis. I’d spent four years as half of “Alec and Kristen.” Being just “Kristen” would take a little getting used to.
Did I stay single for a while? Go back on the prowl? See if that guy over by the jukebox was game for a one night stand? That option became more tempting with every passing minute. I was a free agent now. I was at liberty to find someone who didn’t consider sex a substitute for a sleeping pill.
A flicker of movement from the corner of my eye was my only warning before Scott appeared and dropped into the booth beside me. The low light of the bar didn’t do a thing to temper the intensity of his blue eyes, especially as he shot me a pointed look.
“You, my dear,” he said in a don’t argue with me tone, “are not your usual self tonight.”
He sounded so serious, I couldn’t help smiling. “Is it that obvious?”
“It is.” He rested his arm on the back of the bench and faced me. “So what’s going on? Dr. Moore is listening.”
I snickered. “Something tells me a university wouldn’t keep its accredited status long after awarding that particular degree.”
He rubbed his eye with his middle finger. I laughed. If anyone was going to give me the third degree about my mood tonight, I was glad it was him. Scott was nothing if not easy to talk to. Always had been.
“Hey, space cadet.” He elbowed me playfully. “What’s up?”
Shaking my head, I sighed. “Just preoccupied, I guess.”
“With?” Though he ribbed me as he always did, the lift of his eyebrows and the creases in his forehead spoke of genuine concern.
I took a breath. “Alec and I broke up.”
Scott’s posture stiffened slightly. “Really?”
“Really.”
“About damned time.”
I gave him a playful glare. “Gee, thanks.”
“Come on, he’s a dick.” Scott shrugged. “I’ve been wondering for a long time when you were going to kick his sorry ass to the curb.”
“Guess I can’t get too offended, then, because I’ve been wondering the same thing.” I sipped my drink. “Believe me, it’s been a huge weight off my shoulders.”
“I can imagine.” He drummed his fingers on the table and watched me for a second. “So, since I assume you’re not grieving about the monkey that’s no longer on your back, what’s bothering you? Just settling into being single, or what?”
“Pretty much, yeah.” I eyed him. “And speaking of being single, what on earth are you doing out without adult supervision on a Friday night, anyway? All the girls busy?”
“Amy’s out of town with her husband, Tara’s at a party with another Dom, and Kasey has the flu.” He sighed dramatically. “So, yes, I’m all alone tonight.”
“Damn, Scott,” I said. “Three women on the roster, and you still can’t get laid tonight?”
He made a dismissive gesture. “Please. Just because I’m not with one of them tonight doesn’t mean I won’t get laid.”
“Manwhore.”
“Prude.”
I laughed. He always was a breath of sexually liberated fresh air.
He opened his mouth to say something, but shrill feedback from a microphone made us both cringe. We turned to see the DJ setting up for karaoke.
“Oh, Jesus,” I said. “Not karaoke.”
“Ugh. Do you want to go outside and get some air?”
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
“I thought as much.”
We both stood. On the way to the stairwell, he didn’t squeeze between people or elbow his way through the crowd in a serpentine path from booth to door. He walked and people moved. He’d offer a polite “pardon me” or turn enough to keep from bumping into someone, but for the most part, they got out of his way. They always did.
I wondered if it was such a good idea to go out on the terrace with him. As horny as I was tonight, being alone with him was probably hazardous to my health. I was newly single and he was almost six slender feet of temptation wrapped in a conservative black shirt and jeans. Narrow hips and broad shoulders. Cheekbones that could cut diamonds. A lightly stubbled and sharply angled jaw that I’d often imagined brushing that spot where the curve of my neck met my shoulder.
Scott had always been high on my “look, but don’t touch” list. In fact, my attraction to him predated my relationship with Alec. He’d always been heavily into BDSM and he was polyamorous, neither of which appealed to me back then. While BDSM piqued my interest now, polyamoury still wasn’t for me. Territorial I was not, but I had enough problems maintaining monogamous relationships. Adding more players sounded like a recipe for disaster.
We climbed the stairs and went outside to the rooftop terrace. This was where the bar had its luaus and barbecues when the weather was warmer. It was barely spring, though, and a chilly wind blew in off the coast, so the terrace was mostly deserted. I zipped my jacket and nestled my chin into the collar.
Scott hoisted himself onto the concrete railing. “So,
how are you doing with all of this?”
“Not too bad, actually.” I hugged myself to keep from shivering. “It’s, you know, a bit of a change, but I’m glad it’s over.”
“I don’t blame you. If you don’t mind my asking, what was the final straw?”
“Nothing in particular,” I said. “Well, it wasn’t anything specific that made me decide to end it that night, but to be quite honest, our sex life was probably the biggest issue that came up.”
Scott snorted. “Now that I believe.”
“Oh?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, I’m no psychic, but I got the impression there wasn’t too much going on between you two.”
“How do you figure?”
“No chemistry. I’ve seen more sparks fly between dead fish than the two of you.” He paused. “No offense.”
I laughed. “None taken. Not too far from the truth, to be honest.”
Scott clicked his tongue and shook his head. “I’m surprised that douche bag didn’t bore you into a coma.”
“A few more months, and he probably would have.”
“Big shock.” He rolled his eyes. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, some people prefer vanilla sex, but—”
“Vanilla sex?”
He smiled. “You know, the kind that doesn’t involve whips and chains.”
“So, the kind you don’t have?”
“I beg your pardon.” He put a hand to his chest and feigned offense. “I have been known to engage in vanilla sex from time to time, you know.”
“And do you enjoy it?”
He grinned. “Darling, if sex and Scott Moore are involved, rest assured, everyone present enjoys it.”
Of that, I have no doubt. “Cocky bastard.”
With a flippant shrug, he said, “Guilty as charged.”
“But let me guess,” I said, rolling my eyes, “you’ve earned the right to be so cocky?”
“Damn right, and I have witnesses who will give sworn statements.”
I shook my head. “Well, you’re right about Alec.” My humor faded. “Hell, I wouldn’t even call him vanilla.”
“Really?”
“No. Vanilla is actually a flavor.”
Scott laughed aloud. “Ouch.”
“It’s true.” I sighed. “It’s a relief, that’s for sure. God only knows what the next guy will be like, but at least that particular routine is broken.”
“So you’re going to try to find someone a bit more adventurous this time around?”
I nodded. “Shouldn’t be too hard. As long as he has a pulse, anyway.”
Scott chuckled. “Remind me never to get on your bad side.”
“Oh, please. You’ve been on my bad side since the day we met.”
“Okay, but I haven’t given you a reason to diss my sexual prowess, have I?”
“No, that’s true, you haven’t.” I hugged myself a little tighter as a cold breeze blew by, though he didn’t seem to notice it.
“What was his deal, anyway?” he asked. “Couldn’t figure out how to get you off?”
“Couldn’t be bothered is more like it,” I muttered. “I don’t know, I guess he just wasn’t interested in trying new things.” I shrugged. “He wasn’t, I was, so I was bored.”
“Bored, you say?”
“Quite.”
He laughed softly, but then his brow creased and he fell silent.
“Penny for your thoughts?” I said.
He looked at me, his forehead still lined with heavy thought. “Let me ask you something.”
“Go ahead.”
“You say you wanted to try new things.” He eyed me cautiously. “Have you ever thought about trying BDSM?”
I hesitated, then nodded. “I’ve thought about it, yeah. Especially lately.”
“I’m not surprised.” Something like triumph crinkled the corners of his eyes.
“Oh, really?”
“Just a hunch,” he said. “You’ve never struck me as a strictly missionary-and-lights-off kind of girl.”
“Yeah, well, that’s all I’ve been for the last four years. And that’s if I was lucky.”
“So Alec was more of an idiot than I thought,” he muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing. Anyway, I pegged you a long time ago for a woman who likes a little more spice in the bedroom.”
“I wouldn’t know, honestly. It’s been forever since I’ve had anything I could call ‘spice’ in the bedroom.”
“He was really that lame?” His eyebrows lifted. “Alec never wanted to try anything?”
I laughed. “Are you kidding?”
“Not even a little cuff play? Blindfolds? Anything?”
“Absolutely not. He wouldn’t even try new positions, and as for BDSM, he doesn’t think that’s something ‘normal’ people do.”
Scott clicked his tongue. “Heard that a few times in my life.”
“He just assumed it was all freaky and disgusting.” I rolled my eyes.
“So many people do. And half of them probably do some light BDSM play without even realizing it. They think we’re all freaks in gimp masks and nipple clamps, and they look down their goddamned noses at us while they’re tying their own partner’s wrists with a pair of nylons.” He laughed. “Not that it’s a pet peeve of mine or anything.”
“I can see that.”
He shrugged. “Just annoys me when people judge me because I take things to a different extreme.”
“Speaking of which, what kinds of things do you do with your—” I paused. “Partners?”
“Subs,” he corrected. “I fuck all three, but besides that, I do different things with all of them.”
“Such as?”
“Well, Amy likes being flogged, whipped, beaten, you name it. For her, sex isn’t worth having if it doesn’t hurt.” He smiled, the expression full of the same warmth and fondness as his voice when he added, “That woman is a total pain slut.”
I laughed. “That’s an interesting way to put it.”
“It’s accurate. She gets off on pain. She thrives on it, and I’m happy to give it to her.”
“And the others?”
“Tara likes to be restrained and teased. I can tie her up and keep an orgasm just out of her reach for ages. I tease her with hot and cold, pain and pleasure, whatever I see fit to dish out.” He shifted a little, resting his hands on the railing on either side of him. “Kasey is training to be a slave, not just a sub. I don’t do the Master/slave thing as a rule, but I’m easing her into being completely submissive before she finds a Master. Once she’s comfortable with that, she’ll pursue someone who will give her the total domination she really wants.”
“Sounds like a lot of work for you.”
“Keeping up with three women? Especially those three? You’d better believe it.”
“So what do you get out of it? I mean, besides getting laid, of course.”
“With Amy, I get all the same things you’d expect from a relationship, minus the monogamy.” He ran a hand through his hair and paused to scratch the back of his neck. “With all three of them, I get power. They give up control, I gain that control. That, and I get off on watching them respond to everything I do or don’t do. Their responses, whether it’s getting frustrated or having an orgasm, drive me wild.”
“Is that just a guy thing?” I asked. “Getting off on watching?”
“I’ve known plenty of women who are voyeurs, but yes, a lot of guys like to watch. Why do you think so many of us like porn?”
“Point taken.”
“I happen to be both an exhibitionist and a voyeur, so this lifestyle suits me perfectly.”
“You don’t say,” I murmured.
Scott cocked his head. “What?”
“Never mind. Tell me more.”
He hesitated, then went on. “A lot of people think BDSM is about violence, abuse, and humiliation. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s all about power, trust,
control, pushing boundaries, things like that.”
“That’s why it intrigues me so much these days.”
“But you’ve never tried it.”
“I wanted to. Alec didn’t. I wanted to try it with him, and figured that would be a safe way to explore it since we had an established relationship.” I paused. “And, I suppose you could call what we had ‘trust’.”
Scott pursed his lips. “Hmm. Maybe it’s just as well you never tried it with him, then.”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you trust him?”
“I, well, I guess I did.”
He shook his head. “Unless you can answer ‘yes’ without a moment’s hesitation, he was definitely not someone you wanted to play around with. If you don’t trust each other, you don’t want to go anywhere near the lifestyle.”
“Good point.” I watched my finger trace a crack in the concrete railing. “Though it makes a bit more sense than trying it with a stranger, you know?”
“True.”
“So, I don’t know, maybe for now I’ll just stick to finding someone a little more adventurous, then see if I can’t convince him to branch out a bit more.”
“Probably not a bad idea,” he said. “Though someone with more experience might be the better choice. Better than the blind leading the blind.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, but I’m not going to jump into whips and chains with someone I’ve just met.”
Scott was quiet for a long moment. His eyebrows knitted together as he stared at the terrace floor. Then, without looking up, he said, “Do you trust me?” His serious tone stopped a smartass retort of “as far as I can throw you” at the tip of my tongue.
I took a breath. “Of course I do.”
He fell silent again, chewing his lip before turning to me. “What if I said I could introduce you to the lifestyle?”
“You mean…”
“Take you under my wing. Give you a safe environment, ease you into it, and help you figure out if BDSM is something you really want to do.”
“Are you—” I paused. “Are you serious?”
“Absolutely.” He wetted his lips and looked me in the eye. “Maybe I’m being a bit forward, but the fact is, I know my way around this lifestyle. I know you, and we trust each other. If anyone can guide you, you’re looking at him.”
I swallowed. I was dreaming. I had to be.
He cocked his head slightly. “Unless you’re not comfortable—”
“No, no, it’s not that.” Far from it, Mr. Moore. “Just, you know, caught me by surprise.”
He laughed softly. “You know me. Full of surprises.” His expression turned more serious. “I mean it, Kristen. Really. Maybe it’s the Dom in me wanting to be in control, but if you’re going to get your feet wet with this, I’d rather be the one helping you. At least then I know someone else isn’t fucking the experience up or taking advantage of you. Not that I think another Dom would fuck you over or hurt you. The vast majority wouldn’t dream of such a thing.” He paused. I thought he shuddered, but couldn’t be sure. Then he added, barely whispering, “There are bad apples out there, though.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Bad experience?”
“I’ve—” He cleared his throat. “I’ve known a few people who’ve had bad experiences, yes. And a bad experience with a Dom can be enough to scare someone out of the lifestyle completely.”
“I can imagine.”
“So, that’s why I’m suggesting this. I don’t want any of that happening to you. You need to have a safe, trustworthy partner, especially since this lifestyle is all about pushing boundaries.” He smiled. “And if I may be so bold, I have a feeling someone has some boundaries that could use pushing.”
“You would be right.”
The smile turned to a grin that weakened my knees. “So, you in?”
“I don’t know.” I folded my arms across my chest. “I might need you to beg, plead, and give me puppy dog eyes first.”
He released a sharp breath and eyed me. “I’m a Dom, sweetheart. If anyone’s going to beg, plead, or give puppy
dog eyes, it’s you.”
I laughed. “You only go Dom, then?”
“Yes. If you’re inclined, I can help you find a sub, but I do not switch.”
“Is that common? To choose one or the other?”
“A lot of people prefer one or the other. Plenty of people switch, though. Being a sub just isn’t my thing.”
“I think I can handle starting out as a sub.”
He grinned. “I have a feeling, if I know you as well as I do, you’ll be a switch.”
“How do you figure?”
“Call it a gut feeling.”
I shot him a playful glare. “You seem to have a lot of gut feelings about me when it comes to this stuff.”
The grin broadened. “Maybe I do.”
“Which leads me to believe you’ve thought about this before.”
“Maybe I have.”
“Hmm, so now I have a gut feeling,” I said, trying not to laugh, “that this arrangement wouldn’t be entirely one-sided.”
“Are you suggesting I’m offering because I think I have something to gain?”
“I am.”
He gave a flippant shrug with one shoulder. “Would you be offended if I said I absolutely would be getting something out of it?”
“Not in the least.” Then I dropped my gaze, searching for the words to one of the most awkward questions I’d ever thought to ask him.
“What’s on your mind?” he asked.
I finally managed to meet his eyes. “So how far do we take this? You said yourself you have sexual relationships with all of your subs.”
“Yes, I do.” His cheeks flushed with just a hint of color. “If you’re not comfortable taking it that far, we don’t have to. There’s still plenty we can do without ever having sex.”
Ignoring the way my stomach fluttered with nerves, I said, “And if I am comfortable taking it that far?”
He sucked in a breath. “Well,” he hesitated, “you
wouldn’t have to twist my arm.” He offered a cautious smile.
Be still, my beating heart. “The polyamoury thing isn’t my cup of tea, though,” I said. “I’m fine with something physical, but that…”
He made a dismissive gesture. “Don’t worry about that. Polyamoury isn’t for everyone. We can keep it just physical.”
“I think I can live with that.”
Scott gave me a cocky grin. “Do we have a deal, then?”
“You’re very direct, you know that?”
“What do you expect?”
“I would expect no less.” I rested my hip against the railing and faced him. “And yes, we have a deal.”
“Good. Like I said, though, if you want to try being a Domme, I’ll help you find someone. And I can teach you to top, it just won’t be with me.”
“Assuming I don’t have my hands full with you.”
“Which you will,” he said matter-of-factly. “I should warn you up front, I am very, very slow when it comes to training a new sub or teaching someone about the lifestyle. I always err on the side of moving too slowly.”
“I could think of worse things.”
“Well, there’s also the fact that I enjoy teasing my new subs.” He winked. “Prepare to be very, very frustrated at first.”
“Knowing you, that doesn’t surprise me in the least.”
“Just wait, my dear,” he said. “You have yet to see my deepest depths of evil.”
“I can’t wait.”
He grinned. Then something like shyness tempered the devilishness in his expression. “And I promise, this isn’t just some cheap ploy to get you into bed.”
“Well, even if it is, it’s working.”
Scott swallowed hard. I did the same, my own boldness catching me by surprise. We were both silent for a moment.
“So,” I said quietly, “when do we start?”
“Do you have plans tomorrow night?”
“No, I don’t.” We’re really going to do this. “Want to come over?”
“Hell, yeah.” He smiled. “We’ll go over some rules and things like that when I get there. Like I said, we’re going to move very slowly, so don’t expect the full-on, no holds barred BDSM experience the first night. Some Doms work that way. I don’t.”
“Bring it on.” I smiled in spite of the tremor that went through me. I’m going to do this. I’m going to fuck Scott. Oh God, yes, I’m going to fuck Scott Moore.
He pushed himself off the railing and landed with catlike grace. Breathing suddenly got a hell of a lot more complicated. We’d stood this close and closer over the years, but never like this. Never after all but sealing a deal to fulfill some of my hottest fantasies.
“I suppose,” he whispered, putting a hand on my waist, “we should start out slow.”
“You’re the Dom.” My voice shook. “I’ll follow your lead.”
He grinned. “You’re a fast learner.” The hand on my waist moved to the small of my back, narrowing the space between us and raising goose bumps on my skin. “What I was thinking, though, is that it wouldn’t be right to fuck you…” He tilted his head, slowly leaning in. “…when I’ve never even kissed you.”
My knees trembled. “Maybe we should take care of that.”
“Maybe we should.” He stopped with his face just inches from mine. When he spoke again, the feather light touch of his breath to my skin nearly melted my spine. “I really want to kiss you right now, Kristen.”
Words failed me. All I managed was a subtle nod, even as my mind screamed, Yes, yes, kiss me.
He ran the tip of his tongue across his lower lip. “Do you want me to kiss you?”
“Yes.” The word barely escaped my throat. “Yes, I do.”
“I thought so. And I will.” All at once, he released me and stepped back, a sly grin curling his lips. “But not now.”
“What?” I grabbed the railing for balance and stared at him, my lips tingling with the anticipation of the kiss that hadn’t come. “Not now?”
He grinned. “Not now.”
“When?”
“When I decide it’s time.” He winked. “Consider this your first lesson as a sub. I’m the Dom. I make the rules.” Before I could protest, he gestured at the door. “Come on, everyone’s probably wondering where the hell we are.”
“You’re an evil, evil man, Scott.”
“And I’m going to teach you my evil, evil ways.” Again he gestured at the door. “Ladies first.”
Three
The next night, Scott arrived at a little past seven.
A million second thoughts ran through my head as I turned the deadbolt, but they evaporated as soon as the door was open. His eyes were intense as always, and tonight they burned with something I’d never seen before. At least, something I’d never seen directed at me. I’d always hoped he’d someday want me, and tonight, if his eyes were to be believed, he’d have me.
I stood aside to let him in. When the door was shut and locked, the air was taut with a sense of finality. We were here. Sealed in, confined, committed to venturing onto this untrod ground.
He shrugged his jacket off. “You haven’t chickened out on me, have you?” His tone was playful, but the slightest crease between his eyebrows suggested he wasn’t just teasing.
“Of course not.” I glanced over my shoulder as I hung up his jacket. “Why? Have you?”
“Me?” He snorted. “Please. Besides, I’m here, aren’t I?”
“You’re here, but we’re both still dressed.” I grinned. “Still plenty of time for you to get cold feet.”
One eyebrow rose. “Getting mouthy already, are we?”
“Maybe I am.”
He came a little closer, invading just enough of my space to make a step back almost unavoidable. “Looks like I’m going to have my work cut out for me.”
“Then maybe we should get started.” I hoped my grin hid my nerves as I sidestepped him and started toward the kitchen. “Do you want something to drink first?”
“Sure, thanks.” He followed me into the kitchen.
“Wine?”
“Please.”
As I opened the bottle, he raised an eyebrow.
“You haven’t had anything else to drink tonight, I hope?” he said.
“No, I haven’t.” I poured two small glasses of red wine. I handed one to him and added, “Before you ask, no, I’m not doing it to get up the nerve to go through with this.”
He chuckled, swirling his glass but not taking a drink. Seriousness bordering on sternness lined his face. “A little alcohol is probably okay at this point. It’s usually not recommended to drink at all. Not even a little.” Then his expression relaxed. “But a little bit of wine won’t hurt anything. Especially with as easy as we’re starting out.”
“So you’re not going to try to get me drunk first?” I sipped my wine.
“Absolutely not.” He still didn’t drink.
I gestured at him with my glass. “I have to be honest, I thought you’d be dressed a bit differently.”
He looked down at his plain white button down shirt and black jeans. “What were you expecting?”
“I don’t know. Leather and chains, I guess. Something like that.” I caught myself wondering, though, if his slick black leather belt served a dual purpose.
Scott laughed. “You expected me to be dressed like a Dom?”
“Basically.”
“Well, as hot as my ass looks in leather pants,” he said, chuckling, “they’re uncomfortable as hell. I work up enough of a sweat doing this without being shrink-wrapped in leather.”
A sweaty, leather clad Scott walked my mind, and I shivered.
Clearing my throat, I said, “So it’s just an aversion to leather pants?”
“Oh, not really. They’re not the most comfortable thing in the world, but more than that, I don’t want to look
like a Dom.”
“You don’t?”
He shook his head. “No. I want you to submit to me, not the image of a Dom.”
I didn’t know just what to say to that. I did know, however, that the idea of submitting to Scott, in leather or not, made my mouth water.
He lifted his wine, but stopped it just shy of his lips and set it down again. “So let’s talk rules.” He ran a fingertip up and down the stem of the glass. “Do you have any hard limits? Anything that’s absolutely out of the question for you?”
“Not that I can think of. I don’t know enough about what we’re doing to know what I absolutely wouldn’t like.”
“Just in general. Anything sexual that you don’t like? Swallowing? Anal?”
“Anal,” I said. “Definitely not my thing.”
“Noted. Anything else? Do you have any issues with someone touching your feet or your neck, for example?”
“Not that I know of.”
He nodded. “Okay, good. If you think of anything, don’t hesitate to tell me. I’m all for pushing your limits, but I’m not in this to hurt you or scare you. Understood?”
“Understood.”
“I do have one hard limit of my own,” he said. “I won’t choke you.”
I laughed. “That’s quite considerate of you.”
He smiled and shrugged. “Well, you’d be surprised. I’ve had a few subs who wanted to be choked. Some to the point of unconsciousness.” He shook his head and swirled his otherwise untouched wine again. “I might put a hand on your throat to restrain you, if you’re comfortable with that, but anything that cuts off blood or air flow? No way.”
“I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”
“Now, the rest of the rules.” The sharp clink of his glass on the counter made me jump for some reason. Maybe I was more nervous about this than I thought.
I swallowed. “Okay, the rest of the rules.”
“Do you know how safe words work?”
I nodded.
“Good. Some people use one. I use two.” He folded his
arms across his chest and rested his hip against the counter. “The word ‘red’ stops everything immediately. No questions asked. If something’s getting to be too much, but you don’t want to stop completely, say ‘yellow’ and I’ll back off.” His eyebrows lifted slightly. “Make sense?”
Another nod.
“I think that about covers it. Questions?”
“Not yet.”
“Then why don’t we go in the bedroom?” He smiled. “There are a few more rules, but I’ll explain those as we go. Are you still comfortable with this?”
“I think so.”
He cocked his head. “You think so?”
“I am, I am. Just, you know, a little nervous.”
“Nothing to be nervous about tonight. Trust me, when I told you we’re going to move slowly, I wasn’t kidding.” He picked up his wine glass. “Do you mind if I drink this in there?”
“No, of course not.”
He followed me into the bedroom. When the door clicked shut behind him, a mixture of fear and lust surged through my veins. We’re really doing this.
There was a chair beside my window, and Scott took a seat, casually crossing his legs and cradling his wine glass between his fingers. He gestured at the window. “Should we close the shade?”
“Leave it open.”
His eyes flicked toward me.
I just grinned. “Don’t worry about it.”
Glancing out the window, he said, “Not concerned about your neighbor seeing this?”
“Nope.” In fact, I hope he does.
When he looked at me again, he inclined his head, and I wondered if he saw through me.
With a nervous laugh, I said, “You don’t mind someone seeing us, do you?”
“Not at all.” He paused, wetting his lips. “I take it you don’t mind either?” I shook my head. He glanced out the window again, murmuring something that may have been “duly noted.”
“So,” I said, “what do you want me to do?”
“Nothing yet.” Scott sat back in the chair with one elbow on the armrest. “Stay right there for now.” For the first time, he sipped his wine, then set the glass on the sill. My heart thundered in my chest as I waited for him to speak. His long fingers fascinated me as he unbuttoned the cuff of one sleeve and rolled it to just below his elbow. Then he did the same to the other sleeve. And still, he didn’t speak.
He reached for his wine, raised it to his lips, and took another sip. When the glass clinked on the sill again, he looked at me, and something in his expression had changed. The temperature in the room dropped as our eyes met.
“From this point on,” he said, “until I say otherwise or a safe word is spoken, I am your Master and you are my submissive.” Every word had an edge, a terse sharpness, and this abrupt shift in his demeanor gave me goose bumps. “Every question is to be answered quickly and honestly. You will only speak when you are asked to do so, and whenever you do, you will refer to me as ‘Master’. Am I understood?”
I swallowed. “Yes.”
His eyebrow lifted.
I cleared my throat. “Yes, Master.”
“Good.” He laced his fingers together on top of his knee. “Nothing happens without my express permission or my order. You won’t touch me, move, speak, anything, unless I allow or demand it. Clear?”
“Yes, Master.”
He smiled. The half-nod that followed sent a warm rush of relief through me. Only seconds into this, and already his approval or lack thereof made me react physically.
“You won’t touch me,” he said. “But the same rule does not apply to me. As my submissive, you’ve given me permission to touch you any way I see fit. Have you consented to this?”
“Yes, Master.” Already, those two words slipped so easily off my tongue.
Movement caught my attention and my eyes darted toward the window. Before I could see if Matt was there, Scott snapped his fingers. I jumped, and when our eyes met, his narrowed.
“Look at me, not out there,” he growled. “Or I’ll close the shade.”
I nodded. “I’m sorry, Master.”
“What are your safe words?”
“Red and yellow, Master.”
“And what do they each mean?”
“Red if I want to stop completely, yellow if I want to back off.” Another upward flick of his eyebrow prompted me to add, “Master.”
“Good.” He gave a slow nod. “Unbutton your shirt.”
My heart raced. Excitement? Nerves? Both?
“Was I unclear?” he asked.
“No, Master.”
“Then…?”
My face burned and my hands shook, but I did as he ordered. With every button, arousal and uncertainty fought for dominance. When the first button opened, my nerves tingled with anticipation. The second exposed the first hint of cleavage, and I wondered if I really was comfortable disrobing in front of Scott. The third let cool air touch between my breasts, and my nipples hardened. Oh yes, I wanted this.
When my shirt was completely unbuttoned, I started to shrug it off.
“Wait.”
I froze and looked at him.
“Did I tell you to take it off?”
“No, Master.” I tugged it back into place.
“What is the rule about moving or doing anything?”
“Not without your command or permission, Master.”
“Good. Now take it off.”
Once my shirt was off, I nearly set it on the bed to get it out of the way, but waited, remembering his orders.
“Put it on the bed.”
I did as I was told, swallowing hard as the sense of exposure sank in. Matt had certainly seen this much and more but Scott hadn’t. Assuming Matt was watching, I wondered what he thought about this, about me slowly undressing in front of someone sitting casually by the window.
The distance between Scott and me didn’t help my nerves. Had he been close to me, running his hands all over my bare skin, his eyes closed as he occupied himself with a long kiss, it would be different. But he was several feet away, fully dressed and looking at me. Under only his watchful eye and not his touch, I’d never been so exposed.
“Are you doing okay?” With the gentleness in his voice, the veil lifted and for a moment, he was just Scott.
“I’m okay, yes.”
He cleared his throat. Master was back.
“I’m fine, Master,” I said quickly.
“Good.” He rose in one smooth, controlled motion, and started toward me. My heart beat faster as he approached. I willed myself to keep breathing while I waited for him to decide what happened next.
Without speaking, he walked around me, stopping just beyond the reach of my peripheral vision. I silently begged him to touch me. A fingertip on my skin, a hand on my waist, something, but he denied me.
“Take off your bra.”
My shaking hands immediately obeyed in spite of the thoughts running through my mind. My heart pounded and my stomach fluttered with nerves. This vulnerability scared and thrilled me as much as his voice compelled me, and after a few seconds of struggling, my bra went slack.
“Turn around.”
I did, keeping my eyes down as I faced him. My bra slid down my arms and I caught it with a crooked finger, but I didn’t know if I should drop it or hold it. All I could do was await his command.
“Give it to me.”