Answers in Nothing
Chloe Wilkinson
Published by Chloe Wilkinson at Smashwords
Copyright 2010 Chloe Wilkinson
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There are so many people who need to be thanked.
My mum, for always believing. My sister, for allowing me to be crazy. My father for being quietly supportive, and teaching me I can argue with the best of them.
Crystal for writing with me, and giving me support. Dave, you’re a wonderful person. Tina, my “wife” you are a true treasure. Kori, you’re so warm and wonderful. And, because your encouragement is always needed. Michelle, you are one of the best people I’ve ever met.
Tegan, because if it weren’t for you this probably wouldn’t be here. Hailey, for still being shocked when I need you to be, and providing support when I need it.
To the person I am in love with, you know who you are. You are my light, my inspiration. You are, in a single word, everything.
To everyone else whom I may have forgotten, because there are so many people here and all of you deserve recognition. Thank you for your support, and love.
PROLOGUE
If anyone had ever told me I would end up living with a veteran of war because my parents had been murdered by my brother I never would have believed them; and if they had told me the veteran would be one of the best, most accepting people I had ever met in my life…well…I probably wouldn’t believe that either. Nevertheless, it is the truth. Jacob fought in a war; barely surviving it if the scars across his face are any indication. I don’t know what war it was, or why he would have volunteered for it but he did and it changed him.
I know, it doesn’t seem like I should be the one to be able to say that, not having known him before. At times though, it seems like I can see small slivers of the man he was before he saw all the violence and bloodshed. Maybe that‘s the reason he agreed to adopt a seventeen year old with a “troublesome condition”. Maybe he’d always wanted kids, maybe he had kids and due to the effect the war had on his life he lost them to his former wife or something. Although I’ve never seen any sign that Jacob has ever been anything but alone until I arrived, his house baron and nearly empty of furniture, which is something we both prefer.
He intrigues me in a way that no one else ever has, other than my brother and the similarities are interesting. They’ve both killed people. They both made choices that would change the course of their lives and the lives of others forever. I guess you could say in the end I’m kind of in love with Jacob, and I always wanted to be the kind of man that him or my brother were. My brother didn’t end up being the man I thought he was though, not at all.
I wish I could explain why Crane felt the need to kill my parents; why he felt the need to try to kill me but I truly can’t think of a reason. Up until the moment everything ended, I had thought my life was perfect and that everything was going to be great forever.
I was evidently sorely mistaken about that. In fact, I can safely say I have never been more wrong about anything in my life.
It was not that there were no signs that my brother was a raging psychopath, now that I’ve had time to think about it. I’ve had time to process the events of that morning, the way he acted up until those final moments of my parent’s lives and I don’t know why I was at all surprised.
Crane was your standard every day average psycho. He was the type of person you hear about on the news who all of a sudden flies into a rage and kills everyone. You constantly hear the same thing repeatedly, and believe me I heard it. “He was so quiet.” “He kind of kept to himself.” “He had lots of friends though; we never knew he would do something like this.”
I remember slivers of that day, flashes of images and video flowing through my mind, some with sound and some without. He just kept screaming repeatedly, the same words again and again. “How could you?!” “How could you?!” I don’t know what they could have done to him, as far as I know they treated him just as well as they did me. Hell, they treated him better than they did me. After all, he was the straight son.
Jacob always tells me that I might not know the whole story, that there might be things I do not know. All I can remember though is that look, its there when I close my eyes, those words so filled with pain ringing in my ears. He killed them, I found him in their room waving a gun around so erratically I knew then that we were all going to die. I of course tried to stop him and he slammed me against the wall, so hard that it knocked the air right out of my lungs.
Crane told me not to interfere, before the gun struck me across the face and I do not remember anything else.
I woke up and they were dead, police were everywhere and my older brother was being dragged away in hand cuffs.
None of it made sense, absolutely none of it.
I barely had time to process anything that happened in the weeks that followed, I was shipped away to my aunt, but she didn’t know how to deal with me. I am a hard person to deal with; I tend to talk to myself. I tend to slam my head off hard surfaces when things do not make sense, and I really do not like messes.
Jacob took me in soon after that and I have had nothing but bliss, despite the trial that followed. His apartment as I mentioned before is almost completely free of furniture, and he is compulsive about cleaning just like me. I am sure it has something to do with him having been in the military, that sort of efficiency along with having been to war and in his words “never feeling clean again”.
If you asked me how he even found me, I would not be able to tell you, he was named in my parents will as the person who would be my caretaker but I do not know how they knew him. My father was never in the military, and he has just the slightest bit too old to be one of Crane’s friends although he did tell me that he had known mum and dad since he was five.
Sometimes I wish I had the courage to ask him questions about my life, about what is going to happen to me in the end when the trial is over and the will has been finalized. I was told it would last the length of the trial but there is no telling what would happen to me after.
I still remember how happy he was to see me when I was first brought to his house. He had wrapped his arms around me, and I had been so shocked I had done nothing. I hated being touched but there was something about him, which made me feel so alive. It had shaken me out of my stupor and revitalized a part of me I do not think existed after my childhood ended.
I remember being scared of his smile at first because it was so grisly set in a mask of scars that ran parallel to his lips, cutting across his upper lip and again across the bridge of his nose, looping up onto one eyelid causing it to droop. I remember noticing soon after that despite the worn jeans, and even more worn army green fatigue jacket that he had perfect teeth. It was comforting to me, dental hygiene after all is very important.
Jacob gets me. He gets why for some reason I feel the need to hum incessantly, or move constantly. He does not mind when I get upset and have to lock myself in my closet to be able to calm down again. Sometimes he even comes in and sits beside the door so I can hear him singing softly through it.
I often feel myself wanting to ask him if he will let me stay after the trial, if he will let me stay after I have turned eighteen.
I really do not know what he would do if he knew that I am trying to find out what has truly happened within my family, or that I am trying to find out how the hell he knows anyone I know because we’re definitely not from the same class system or background.
The only theory I can come up with is something bad was going to happen, whether Crane reacted badly to any situation with my parents or not. For some reason my father trusted Jacob enough to let his youngest son live with him, and I will not stop until I find my answers.
It is terrible I know, that I am willing to possibly tear someone else’s life apart to get the answers I need, to get to the truth.
Jacob will grow to understand though, and if he does not, there is really nothing I can do about that. I wish I could tell him before I begin my search but for some reason the words just will not leave my lips.
Oh, before I forget, my name is Aidan and if you are reading this perhaps, I have found the answers I am looking for. It is an interesting eventuality; I might even be dead for all I truly know.
If this is Jacob reading this, I am sorry. I know what I am about to do will hurt you more than I could ever begin to bear, and I only hope you’ll find it in your heart to somehow forgive me for my transgressions. Even though you do not have family I know you see me as some bizarre family member who you cannot quite shake, who exasperates you and is at times annoying but brings something more.
I am sorry for being one of the reasons for the lines that appear daily around your eyes. I am sorry that you have been through something terrible and that it might only get worse from her and please understand that it was never my intention to do this to you. It was never my intention to wreck the small sliver of happiness we manage to find when we share the same space, whether it be something as large as the house we live in or when we share the couch together.
I need to find out what drove Crane to that point, need to know what happened when I was knocked unconscious and why whenever I leave the house someone follows me around. I know it is not my typical paranoia either, because you have noticed them too have not you Jacob? There is a reason you now follow me to whatever store I go to, no matter where I am going and you have started to drive me to school.
My question is, why won’t you tell me what is happening? Or, if something has happened to me, why would not you tell me the truth before? ~Aidan Glorane
CHAPTER ONE
Jacob wished at times he were more open with people; that he had not been born with the inability to properly express himself and his concern for the people he managed to care about. And, he cared possibly more than he should about Aidan, which is why it concerned him that the younger man had become so quiet in recent weeks.
He swished his spoon around in his cereal bowl and wished for the silence between the two of them to break, frantically racking his memory to see if there was any reason he should be worried, if there was anything had had done in the past weeks to offend Aidan or make the seventeen year old angry with him.
“Aidan, are you feeling alright? Do you want to go see Doctor James?” He finally asked, surprised at himself. He had gotten used to the silence in the years following the war but apparently, Aidan had broken him of that. However, Aidan had problems of his own that he could not solve due to the delicate nature of the teenagers psychiatric state.
Aidan looked up from his own breakfast, toast, peanut butter and berries all separated by the lines drawn on his plate. He seemed surprised, his eyes widening as he had not expected Jacob to say anything if he didn’t.
“I am feeling fine,” he answered hollowly, even more shocked at the lack of emotion in his own voice. His hand shook as he picked up his toast and dipped it in the peanut butter before raising it to his mouth and taking a delicate bite.
Frowning Jacob squinted, studying his charge carefully. His hands were shaking, but that was not truly a tell with Aidan as he tended to do that whenever any attention was paid to him.
“Are you sure? Because I would not object to having to take you,” he told him softly, trying to put as much emotion into his voice as he could. He wanted to let him know that he would do that for him, that he was willing to make sacrifices for him to insure that he felt the slightest bit good in all of the horror.