Vicious Bliss: fallen
a miserable love series
Claudia D. Christian
Published By Delsin Publishing, LLC at Smashwords
Cover image by Robert Clay
Cover design by CGM Web Designs
Vicious Bliss: fallen
Copyright © 2010 by Claudia D. Christian
All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without prior written permission from DelSin Publishing, LLC. DelSin Publishing, LLC and the author assume no liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Cover image by Robert Clay
Cover design by CGM Web Designs
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DEDICATION
Despite your hesitation, you backed me on this one, Adam. You understood I had to do this, even if it seemed a bit—no, make that REALLY crazy. For that I give you all my love, affection, devotion, and even a little, tiny, bit adulation.
She infects my mind with her grief. It’s enough to drive me mad. But I accept her illness because I know I’ll make her see the perfection to be found in abandonment. And I won’t fail this time. I won’t fail because this feels so fucking right.
- Azer
We’re all just ghosts. Ghosts living in shame. We walk together, but you can’t see me. Why? Because I live for pain. You live to forget. And I can’t forget. So don’t look at me. Don’t look at me and make me real.
---Katherine Merror
It wasn’t all a lie.
---Mikhail DeMontier
PROLOGUE
“The Stage is Set”
White suggests purity.
Peace is said to make its home there.
However, I believe it to be the most cunning of colors.
Life is nothing but an empty dream without substance or meaning, until love finds a way to cast light unto the murky shadows of anonymous existence. Even then, love can be the nightmare within the dream, until the end is all one can pitifully long for.
So says the love-struck fool.
I believed it once. I even quoted it to a girl lost in obsession a long time ago. I believed it for countless years and in the end, it was nothing but beautiful nonsense.
Things will end, but only because I will it so.
Bitter arrogance fell away as he stared at her sleeping face.
Precious…
This wasn’t the first time he encountered her. And despite the torturous passing of years, she was still so incredibly lovely.
So flawed.
So dangerous.
An angry snarl curled his lip. He knew this final meeting would be the hardest and the sweetest.
Tonight it would end for them both.
So patiently he watched her, peering through the white play of light and mist surrounding their shared dimension.
I’ve missed you, Precious. But you don’t remember me at all do you? Despite everything we’ve shared…so this is yet another betrayal to put at your feet.
Breaking from maudlin thoughts, he noticed her restless stirring. He watched with longing and waited as thick, dark lashes rose to give a golden glimpse of her spectacular eyes. As expected, there was confusion within, the blankness of mind perfectly reflecting numb chaos beneath.
He pulled back from his vigil over her and smiled. Warmth invaded his cold heart, even as the whiteness became blinding. He wished he could’ve taken her then, before she had a chance for useless regret. But he couldn’t. After all, even creatures like themselves had to obey the rules sometimes.
So hungrily he waited for her to feel him.
Little did he know that another was waiting as well…
CHAPTER ONE
“White Darkness”
Life.
It’s a vivacious mask I am forced to wear.
Only the stench of sin keeps me from shattering it.
The young woman stretched slender arms above her tousled head and immediately jerked from the stiffness pulling at her aching muscles. She wondered if youth was already trading in its immortality for the common aches and pains plaguing those of wiser years. I hope not, she sighed with a slight smile, the grimace melting to reveal the pleasant lines of a very lovely face.
I'm only twenty-four. Too young to feel so old in body.
She flexed her calves and allowed her arms to fall onto the solid bed. Not yet ready to face the world, she spread her legs wide until the tips of her tiny toes touched each corner.
That’s surprising.
The bed was smaller than what she was accustomed to—much smaller. In addition, the sheets held a smell to them that wasn’t hers.
The smell could belong to anyone, anywhere, and it probably did.
Well, Katherine, where have you found yourself now? And by the looks of this place—with who?
Glancing down quickly, she saw her ivory sweater and jeans.
It could be worse. At least I’m not naked.
So yes, it could be worse.
Unfortunately, it could also be a lot better.
Katherine brought her legs back together and drew them up until her small feet were planted flat. She screwed her eyes shut, but not before catching a glimpse of her surroundings.
A finely woven net hung from the high ceiling. It hugged the sides of the small bed like a tender and possessive caress. Although quite pretty, pleasure was lost on the young woman.
Instead of filtering the morning’s radiance, the white netting caught each shimmering ray and crystallized it. Unfortunately for her sensitive eyes, the light was intense and so very, very white.
Katherine braved the wretched brightness once more, before blinking her eyes shut with a soft moan.
Morning. Early morning. Shit!
She allowed her legs to slide down in defeat. The day’s freshness would’ve lured the majority of tired souls from their armored shells, but today its power over Katherine was null.
I hate mornings.
Rolling to the side, she pulled the anonymous cotton sheet over her curly, honey-blond hair and listened to the solitude of the moment.
Things could be worse. They could also be so much better.
Without the distractions of a life devoted to reckless pleasure and futile forgetfulness, the constant loneliness in her heart began to whisper.
Empty bed, empty memories. I can’t continue to do this. There has to be more, right? Or is my life going to be this way forever?
Possessive pain and sadness wrapped prickly vines about her. Poison seeped into her tortured mind.
Failure. Whore. Freak. Murderer.
Katherine heaved a disgusted breath, her mouth drawn into a grimace of excruciating pain.
Don’t think like this. Not now. Not ever.
Swallowing thickly, she fought the self-pity, not wanting to let it consume her. Katherine felt her strength crumble anyways, allowing in the darkness. Nausea tore its way up her throat and gut-wrenching memories burned even hotter.
* * * *
“My name is Mikhail DeMontier. What’s yours?”
…
“You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone again.”
…
“I want to show you who I am.”
…
“I love you.”
…
“Will you belong to me forever?”
…
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
…
“I can’t be with you anymore.”
…
“You’re beneath me.”
….
“I WILL NOT GIVE UP WHO I AM FOR YOU!”
…
“Good-bye.”
…
“Katherine? Are you there? If you are please pick up the phone.”
…
“What is wrong with me?”
…
“I don’t exist. I don’t exist. I don’t exist. So you can’t either.”
…
“Oh my God! What have I done?”
…
“This is my fault! I didn’t mean to—I swear.”
…
“I’m sorry, Ms. Merror, but there were complications and I’m afraid he didn’t make it…”
* * * *
Katherine curled into a tight ball, seeking protection from herself. The past was a private battle Katherine waged daily. It tormented her, sickened her, and made a disgusting caricature of who she used to be.
What have I let myself become?
Beneath the dubious protection of a white cotton sheet, she took a visceral look at the possible answers.
Katherine knew she was alive yet somehow not. Especially because the frivolous façade she presented consisted only of empty laughter, frenetic gaiety, and vicious bliss. Strip away the rotting, fluffy layers and what was left?
Not much.
Breathing came naturally, hunger dictated the transaction of food, and sleep crept in like a thief, but Katherine’s existence was purely technical.
Sometimes I get so tired of it all. Even so, what right do I have to complain?
As she lay alone beneath a colorless canopy of acrid memories and faded hopes, Katherine held a weary sort of acceptance. Perhaps she could have tried a little harder—or maybe felt a little less.
If I’d been stronger, things could’ve been so different. Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up alone…
Katherine saw everything clearly. She saw how much of her life had been wasted. Holding the world up to her self-destructive code of behavior, Katherine had mocked, judged, pitied, and hated it for not being what she believed it should be.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid.”
But it didn’t end there. Her reckless foolishness had extended further. Employed as she was, Katherine purposely made herself a mark for anything with a predilection for pain. Not sometimes. Always.
* * * *
Gentle brown eyes looked into hers. The sad brow spoke eloquently long before the kind voice did. “Why do you live like this?”
She threw back a shot, the dark liquor burning like liquid fire. “Because I fucking can! Do you think he’s the first to try and break my jaw?”
“There have been others?”
“There are always others, sweetie.” Her lips compressed into a wretched line. “Now unless you want to play get out of my face.”
* * * *
Falsely giving herself to the anonymous night, taking in all the empty decadence she could stomach, Katherine had become a thing without recognition.
Dump all the other bullshit and what the fuck am I? A piece of garbage? A broken doll? What?
Katherine began to strip away the layers of disillusionment, denial, and pain with feverish scrutiny. She was tired of running from her past and living a bitter lie.
I wasn’t always like this. If I keep it up I’ll die like this. Forgotten. Damaged. Nothing.
Katherine sat up and tore down the temporary cocoon. “No more!” The scream reverberated, threatening to defy any who sought to keep her down. Chest heaving, fists clenched, Katherine leaned forward. “I can’t.” A split-second later, she flopped back weakly. She had held herself in contempt for so long, while hiding it all behind a sham smile so well…how could Katherine change now?
Stupid, you’re already damned. Why bother trying to be anything else?
Katherine rolled to her side again. The cotton sheets slithered against her muted movements. She clasped small hands against a shadowed heart and waited for the despair to claim her.
I hate myself so much.
The pure whiteness of the morning dimmed, as though a heavy cloud of sadness had wrapped tiny gossamer wisps of grief around it. She burrowed into the tiny bed and half-heartedly tried to banish the cold away along with her melancholy.
Try too little, try too hard—it all ends the same.
A spurt of self-righteous fury flared within Katherine, decimating all thoughts of weary acceptance.
Screw that! I’ve got reasons for what I do and I know eventually the pain will finish me. I’ll wake up one day and it’ll be fucking over. All I have to do is just hold on. I can make it. As long as it takes I can make it.
The woman who wore her isolation like a prized jewel dug in with sharpened claws, effectively tearing all recent resolutions aside. Perfecting what she always did, Katherine chose to bury her gloomy thoughts deep within until they barely existed.
I’m too tired to be so philosophical. Maybe I should just go back to sleep. I’m sure whoever owns this bed won’t care.
Somewhere in the white morning, she heard indistinct voices, their words low and muffled. A brief note of urgency assaulted Katherine’s ears before hushing into a hum. Curiosity toyed with the sounds before abandoning them. She didn’t know where they came from, nor did she care.
They could belong to anybody, everybody, or nobody.
Katherine only wanted her sleep. She yearned to fall into the unrelenting blackness of her solitary dreams. Even loneliness was better than facing the unforgiving whiteness of this bizarre reality.
Just go to sleep. You’ll be able to deal with this better afterwards. Who knows? Maybe this is the one. And if it isn’t…fun, fun, fun.
She lifted her disheveled head and again caught the sound of electronic noises beeping in her ear. For a fleeting moment the rhythmic thuds ensnared her reluctant attention, making Katherine wonder what they were. She brought her head back down onto the hard, flat pillow, and winced in pain.
No, not beeps.
She decided it casually while rubbing her temples. The noise resembled something, maybe nothing at all, but in the end Katherine determined it to be nature.
Birds. Birds outside in a dazzling, white world were responsible for that annoying, rhythmic din. Their music beckoned her to greet a new beginning, but she wasn’t ready. Not just yet.
It’s better to stay here, wherever here is.
The peculiar thought echoed in her mind. It was odd, but Katherine couldn’t quite remember how she ended up in the present room.
I haven’t worked for the past few nights, so that rules out a casual screw. I think.
Her brow wrinkled. She thought in earnest about the last day. She’d been getting ready for a last-minute road trip. Rushing about, making sure her roommate Patricia would mail off a letter for her, packing up ten days worth of sweaters for a three day jaunt, and looking all over for her hair dryer.
The little details were so fresh in her mind, so sharp and clear, and yet…
Did I ever make it out the door?
Katherine rebuked herself for the ridiculous question. Of course she had left. She now recalled how the roads had been icier than usual.
Ice, ice, ice. Oh!
She suddenly remembered her near-accident. It had shaved at least decade off her life.
Besides, this obviously isn’t your bed.
True. How else could Katherine have gotten here, slept here in this bed, if she had never left?
I miss my bed, she mused wistfully with an adolescent homesickness, one absurdly misplaced given the circumstances. This one is uncomfortable and the sheets don’t smell nice.
Admittedly, Katherine liked to keep things simple, whether it was clothing, decor, or interactions. Her sleeping quarters however were another matter. Lying there, the unfavorable comparisons between her bed and this one were inevitable. A rock-hard pillow, threadlike sheet, and itchy blanket just couldn’t hold up against a richly embroidered comforter, Egyptian cotton, and numerous overstuffed feather pillows.
A surge of longing overtook Katherine. Once more she pulled the sheet over her rumpled head. She was lost in this white bed. A moment ago it seemed so tiny and misplaced to her body, but now she felt hopelessly enveloped and hidden in some great white darkness.
What if I never go back? I mean there’s really nothing there for me. What if I just disappear?
Katherine dismissed the insane thought, but her bright eyes darkened with pensive regret. No matter what her life had been before, it was better than not having one. A half-life, even one as shitty as hers, was better than just fading away into nothing…wasn’t it?
The question slid about the coils of her mind, filling her growing imagination with what her future could be.
Seduction. Violence. Death.
How long can I keep this up? Eventually it’s going to come crashing down. One night when the hatred feels like a spike being driven into my brain, I’m going to go off in search of a cure and not come back. The pain will be gone, but so will I.
Katherine pulled the sheet back down. The fine netting surrounding the bed wavered beneath her blank stare.
Is that really how I want it to end?
Through the misty cocoon of cloth, she could see the shadows deepening. Katherine felt the warmth leave the room. Goosebumps rose all over her flesh.
Maybe I’ll do it. I’ll just never come back and everyone can think I fell off the mountain. I can do it. No one will really miss me. After all, who misses the trash?
Decision nearly made, Katherine tugged the sheet over her shoulders. She snuggled further into the anonymous bed, wishing she had another blanket. Lashes swept down to rest. They fluttered once before falling again. Random musings filtered through Katherine’s purposely-blank mind.
Do wolves really mate for life or is that what they tell each bitch in heat they come across to get her to lift her tail?
Katherine yawned. Her mind switched gears and she thought of how famished she usually was after waking. Visions of food didn’t tempt her in the least bit. Odd.
Losing my appetite along with my mind…what next?
Katherine contemplated, with minimal commitment, if she should get up and try to find a phone. After all, Patricia might be wondering why she didn’t hear from her last night.
Even though I’m thinking about falling off the mountain, I did say I was going to call. Knowing her, she’s probably freaking out by now, thinking some sadistic head case got me. For all I know Patricia’s right.
Katherine clutched the blankets tighter. The idea of leaving the bed became irrationally repugnant. I'll call later, she decided, already forgetting Patricia and any thoughts of the outside world. As Katherine drifted into the inevitable blackness, she heard a door click.
The shot of sound jarred her awake. Katherine’s burnished gaze flew open with tense awareness.
The distinct sounds of heavy footsteps echoed throughout the white room, brandishing their ominous mark upon her. Each deliberate step mirrored each natural pulse of her life's blood until the two became intertwined in a marriage between intimate strangers.
Katherine curled slender fingers against tender palms. The haunting music kept her enraptured.
Who is it?
She lifted her head off the pillow and pushed her body upright. Katherine ignored the sharp pains raking across her stiff muscles. She waited, every sense careening in exquisite yet dreadful expectancy.
I know this person. I know I do.
The steps halted at the foot of the small bed.
Could it be him?
Katherine’s treacherous heart began to race, breaking faith alone without the accompaniment of a persuasive lead.
After all these years, all this time, and everything that happened…could it really be him?
The translucent curtains parted inch by meticulous inch. Katherine’s lithe body tingled in pained awareness, experiencing a rush of dangerous fulfillment.
It feels like him! Like Mikhail! Without even seeing him I can feel him!
Several torturous seconds passed before fragile netting finally revealed the tall, black-clad figure of a man. Katherine’s soul throbbed in suspended gratification. Her fingers twisted the thin sheet into a hopeless white tangle. Ensnared by a fathomless emerald gaze, Katherine felt hers darken dangerously. Her shuttered heart gave a cry of bittersweet recognition.
“You!”
A smile twisted the man’s lips before fading.
“Hello, Katherine.”
The brightness of the room grew steadily until she was forced to squeeze her eyes shut. A brilliant explosion of light flashed behind her closed lids, leaving Katherine alone with the sound of his breathing.
CHAPTER TWO
“A Familiar Stranger”
Lovers. Enemies. Allies.
They are all one in the same.
I cannot care enough to see the difference.
Time stood suspended while Katherine struggled to regain her bearings.
What the hell was that about? My eyes felt like they were about to be ripped out of their sockets!
Her pained gaze stayed closed, fully expecting the morning rays to blind her again.
This is why I hate mornings. They’re too fucking bright.
Her lashes opened, ready to shield themselves at the first threat of torture. However, the room was as it was once before—with the exception of one person. If the spiteful sunlight bothered him at all, it didn’t show. He still stood in the same spot, with dignity and vision apparently intact.
Katherine’s lip curled, readying it for withering contempt, when she noticed his eyes.
I was wrong.
The green was off. A difference between two minerals. Emerald and jade. Neither of them welcome but jade wanted for adornment nonetheless. Passing momentary regret speared Katherine’s armored heart. Her shoulders slumped and an involuntary sigh of sorrow passed her lips.
I should’ve known better. Mikhail’s not in my world anymore. I’m never going to see him again. He’s dead as dead can be.
Katherine’s posture straightened when he began moving.
You don’t have time to think about that right now. It’s not Mikhail so find out who THIS is.
Katherine composed her mind to the present. She watched the gracefulness of the stranger’s stride, noting each fluid step with an appraising eye.
He wore deliberate black with simple style, from the long-sleeved shirt hugging his sinewy physique, to the chrome belt-buckle fastened neatly about a trim waist, all the way down to the crisply ironed slacks clinging to lean thighs. The efficient clothes he donned cut a sharp contrast with the bleached room.
Pretty. Maybe too pretty.
Katherine noticed the top two buttons of his shirt were open, allowing a glimpse of pale skin to flash enticingly against the ebony linen.
Yep. Pretty and he knows it.
The voluptuous hint of his mouth commanded her attention. Katherine’s white teeth bit into her plump lower lip.
His kisses are probably very nice.
It was there in the ripe fullness of his curved lips. The subtle lines betrayed much more than a ready smile. Katherine was reminded of another mouth, another charismatic smile with the ability to melt her reserve effortlessly.
In the end, it had brought Katherine nothing but tainted joy.
* * * *
“See? It’s not that hard to smile, especially when one is as pretty as yours. C’mon—do it again, Katherine. Please? All right, I won’t kiss you if you don’t do it.”
* * * *
Katherine collided with his emerald stare. The knowing gleam within their mythically green depths rankled as much as pleased. The suggested promise he knew all she felt and more burned Katherine’s mind, irritating her, but not as much as it should have.
* * * *
“I love your mouth.”
Arched against his body, Katherine wrapped her arms around Mikhail’s neck. She pulled his head down for a passionate kiss. As she closed her eyes, Katherine felt their souls reach out and touch, wrapping their essence about the other until neither could tell where one ended and the other began.
Breaking their embrace, Mikhail lifted her up and spun Katherine around, delighting in the sound of her laughter. He set her down and leaned closer. “I love your mouth too,” he said with a husky tremor. “See how wonderfully it fits against mine?”
* * * *
A rosy blush stained Katherine’s cheeks, while a dose of self-contempt settled in her throat.
Don’t think about those times! If you’re interested in fucking him—fine. But don’t confuse it.
Katherine’s troubled gaze sought refuge in her blanketed lap. Emotions had no place in this. It was one thing to take part in lust with eyes wide open, but another to blind them by comparing it with love.
And you know that what you do now has nothing to do with love.
* * * *
Katherine straightened up with a bunched skirt in hand.
“You have some stretch marks on your hips,” the nameless man commented casually. “You used to be a fat chick or something?”
The abject misery those words brought to the surface once would’ve had the power to drive Katherine to her knees. Now, they only fueled her cycle of loathing and useless depravity.
Without a glance in his direction, she murmured, “Something like that.”
* * * *
Tact and politeness were not requirements to fuck, only a spirit mirroring hers.
Shifting her subdued attention back to him, Katherine saw him arch a dark brow in silent query, indicating the spot next to her. “Oh, of course,” she murmured as she shifted aside.
The bed dipped under his weight. A rusty squeak of spring and then there he was—disturbingly close enough to touch. The bed had appeared small with just her. Now it became impossibly tiny with only mere inches separating them. Instinct forced Katherine to lengthen the distance while bloodless curiosity beckoned her to creep closer.
A small smile lifted his lips, tempting Katherine to return one as well.
Oh, I see. It’s time to play games. I can do that.
Straightening her shoulders, Katherine leaned back against the cold, metal headboard. She smiled beautifully and admitted, “I have to say this is a new one for me.”
The stranger brought his leg up and laid clasped hands on his knee. He tilted his head. Several strands of dark blond hair fell over his smooth forehead, enhancing the exquisite color of his eyes. “Really. How so?”
“Well, I generally don’t wake up in beds I don’t remember crawling into.”
“Ah.”
Studying his solemn expression, Katherine waited for the smirk to appear. She expected to see the knowing gleam in his eye, telling her all the filthy thoughts rambling in his mind.
Instead, when he looked at her fully, his features were clean of lecherous intent. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner,” he stated in apology. “I can imagine it was strange to wake up and not know where you were.”
Interesting. I’m not reading anything nasty off of him.
Katherine lifted her arms up in a kitten-like stretch. She purposely displayed her breasts in a more provocative manner.
Can you keep your eyes on mine?
“It was a little strange, but nothing I couldn’t handle.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Again, I’m sorry for not being here when you woke up. I thought you’d sleep longer.”
Lowering her arms, Katherine noted how his eyes never dropped below hers. She had expected the bait to work. Conceit not withstanding, she knew her breasts were still superb and a dubious asset in regards to the opposite sex.
Yet this gorgeous man never bothered to look.
Could it be he’s not scum? Or maybe he’s just gay. Either way it’s a nice change.
“Normally I think I’d be sleeping longer, but that bit of morning sunshine did me in.”
“Morning?” He shook his head. “I’m afraid you’ve been tricked.” His low voice carried a subtle accent.
“Tricked? How?”
“It’s actually late afternoon.” He uncoiled his imposing form and parted the netting. Leaving enough of a gap so Katherine could see him, he walked over to a large window. “Like now, the snow can be very deceptive by reflecting so much light.” He pulled back the lightweight curtains and laid a large hand on the glass panes.
“You mean it’s not morning?”
Okay, okay, this doesn’t make sense. I feel like I slept all night.
His profile faced her. “No, it’s not. In fact, we’re only a couple of hours away from sunset.” As if to verify his words, the light changed and beautiful jeweled shadows spilled across the floor.
“Oh, I see,” she mumbled while staring in reluctant fascination. Brushed by the scorching palette of crimson, a blazing halo formed above his short locks.
With everything I’ve seen in this world, it wouldn’t take much to convince me he could sprout wings and fly away. Hell, maybe I’d even ask for a ride. Now’s a good time as any.
She shifted towards the bed’s edge and swung jean-clad legs off the side. Katherine looked down and noted there was no carpet. A content smile curled about her lips. The cherry wood was cool and smooth, spurring her to impishly wiggle her toes. Before she could ask about her shoes, Katherine saw them by the bed, socks neatly tucked inside.
She reached down and pulled the thick wool over her feet, not entirely unaware how her nail polish was chipped in several places. Katherine scooted back, legs swinging off the bed and heels drumming off the mattress. She observed the stranger once more, unaware of the mystical cadence inspiring her interest.
Who are you? Not the face you wear for the world, but inside.
Subtle appreciation lightened Katherine’s mood. Leaning against the sill, with hands resting comfortably within deep pockets, he provoked forbidden longing within Katherine.
God, he looks just like Mikhail.
She ran her eyes up and down his elegant figure, searching for an answer to her nostalgic obsession. Katherine understood why she had thought he was Mikhail. If she were to pick this man’s features apart, so many of them would be identical. There were also differences, but even those reminded Katherine of Mikhail.
Like his hair.
Although dark, the numerous streaks of gold flashing randomly about were the same shade as her faithless lover’s.
* * * *
Katherine moved slender fingers through Mikhail’s sweat-dampened locks. “Your hair is almost the exact same color as mine,” she mused.
“Really? Just almost, hmm?” Mikhail ran a firm hand across her naked hip. He devilishly let his fingers tangle themselves within the natural silk found between her lovely rounded thighs. “I think it’s more than just almost.”
When he heard her soft gasp of pleasure, Mikhail turned his head and captured a sweet nipple with his mouth. Looking up into her flushed face with smoky green eyes, he murmured hotly, “When you’re wet here with me, we’re the EXACT same shade.”
* * * *
Katherine studied the man’s striking features, recognizing the strong jaw line. Her lips tingled, aware of the times when they had journeyed along its uncanny twin. Moving upwards, she noted the imperious brow. Katherine remembered when her fingers had traced over its copy, liking the way Mikhail’s mood always communicated faithfully, whether it be child-like fury or passionate adoration.
Well, you just thought that’s what he felt—in the end you found out differently.
“Would you like me to turn to the side a bit?”
Katherine’s gaze flew up to meet his amused one. She recognized how similar in tone and pitch his voice was to the other. Shaking off the unwanted memories, she smiled in appreciation of his bold wit.
“Sorry to be caught in the act, but I bet that happens to you a lot.”
“Not really. But I can’t complain when it does.”
His playful voice held a genuine note of self-deprecation, surprising Katherine enough to force her to make a move.
You can’t be this decent. You want something from me. I know you do. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be human.
She slid off the bed and padded towards him. Katherine searched for the scent of familiar territory.
Where is it? Show me the real you.
Katherine couldn’t feel anything negative and it disturbed almost as much as intrigued.
C’mon. Show me the face you don’t want me to see yet.
His spectacular eyes held hers in secret challenge, willing to let Katherine’s premeditation dictate the rules of engagement. She could hear the darkest part of her desires whisper.
Taste him. Taste him and forget about everything else. Now is all that matters. Not the past, not the future, but now. Taste him and see where this madness takes you.
Traces of submerged fear flitted through her limbs, warning Katherine to stop before she committed a folly made in madness. She came closer in determination, but couldn’t help feeling she had taken these steps before.
The melody altered, yet the notes still the same.
Maybe I have walked this mountain before. Who knows? After all, I come close to the edge, wanting to jump off of it, but too cowardly to ever make the move. And that’s why I do this. I want someone else to fling me off into the darkness.
Will you be the one?
Please say yes.
Katherine stopped a few feet away. Even so, he still managed to tower over her. He stood well over six feet to her demure five and a half. She had always been ridiculously attracted to tall men. They made her feel small, protected—invisible at will.
Craning her head, Katherine asked the question that should have been her first. “What’s your name?” A heartbeat passed before she heard him answer.
“Azer. My name is Azer.”
Again the wisp of an accent brushed across the surface of his words, lulling her into a sense of the familiar. In that crazed moment, Katherine felt she had known some whisper of him her whole life. It was as if he were a lost glimpse in a mirror, or the blur of darkness just around the corners of her mind.
But that’s not possible. I’ve never seen you until today. I would’ve remembered you.
Pupils of the darkest night reflected a tiny figure dressed in ivory. Katherine stood captivated and helpless to look away. Beneath her drugged gaze, the white room bled into verdant shades splashed with gold.
Time seemed to halt in hungered anticipation. It awaited the outcome of their familiar play, wanting to seize this moment yet greedy for the next.
Not surprisingly greed won.
You’re a pretty pill to swallow, Azer. I bet you’d make me numb to everything but you.
His head tilted back. An elusive and mysterious green fire burned within, beckoning her to fall into them. Fear prodded Katherine before self-destruction courted her with giddy promise.
This kind of pull isn’t normal. But I won’t fear your darkness because I’ve already seen Hell. Hurt me, seduce me—I’m not scared. I want to see if you can make me feel something real, Azer. Make me feel something that can erase how this all began.
* * * *
Laughing jade eyes stared down into hers. The chaos of the afternoon crush faded away abruptly.
“My name is Mikhail DeMontier. What’s yours?”
“Katherine Merror,” she responded slowly.
“Katherine. It’s a good name, I like it.”
Submitting to the chains of inevitability, she replied with cutting grace, “Well, it’s nice to know you approve of my name.”
His jade eyes darkened briefly. “Would you like to get something to eat with me?”
“I don’t know you.”
“I know. That’s why you should let me buy you something to eat.”
* * * *
“Azer…that’s a unique name you’ve got there. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it before. I’m happy to have the pleasure.”
A ghost smile played about the corners of his mouth. “It’s a very old one.”
“Ah. Well, it’s nice to meet you. I would tell you my name, but it seems you already know it.”
“It’s Katherine Merror, right?”
“Bingo. How’d you guess?”
“I got it when I looked through your purse.”
Katherine laughed in dark delight. “At least you’re honest. I hope I didn’t disappoint with my miserable lack of cash.”
“I wasn’t looking for money, Katherine.”
“Really?” Her innocent smile aggressed against her wicked expression. “It’s what I always look for when I dig through a wallet. Especially when the owner is passed out from booze, lots of sex, or both.”
A blush dusted his brow and cheeks. Azer fumbled several times with his response.
Leaning her hip against the sill, Katherine took pity on him. “So, Azer, since you weren’t scraping for cash, how about you tell me why you were looking through my purse? If you leave it up to my twisted imagination, we’re liable to be here for quite some time.”
Imitating her stance, he answered in direct contrast to her light tone. “Usually, I get to know that kind of information because the other person tells me, but in your case I had to take the initiative.”
“Why?”
“Because you were…”
“What?” she prodded with a dip of her head.
“Unconscious.”
All humor fell to the side. Katherine’s stomach clenched as if she’d received a brutal kick to the gut. The room’s whiteness bled away. A series of rapid flashes colored her ragged consciousness. Touching her temples, Katherine winced as the onset of a vicious headache began.
How could I’ve forgotten something like that? Remember damnit! It’s right there.
Katherine closed her eyes in frustration. Suddenly, wet, dark asphalt slithered before her. Katherine quickly recognized the winding curve and deeply pitted rock rising up on one side, while remembering the sparse rows of trees that lined the steep drop on the other.
* * * *
Always a cautious driver, Katherine never drove faster than five miles over the speed limit, if even that, but she had been doing ten over for the last half-hour.
* * * *
Locked in burgeoning memories of the past, Katherine knew the trip had been taking longer than planned. She recalled feeling tense, but not because of the time. A jagged pain lanced her head again. Katherine grimaced in discomfort. No, she was tense because of the time.
Why?
The storm. She had been driving faster than usual because she didn’t want to get caught up in the middle of a nasty blizzard.
But I wasn’t comfortable.
* * * *
Katherine kept watching the sky every so often, wary of any changes in the weather. The gas station attendant thirty miles back had mentioned an upcoming storm. From what he heard, the snow system would have dangerous, strong winds, making all travel through the mountains risky at best.
Treacherous at worst.
It didn’t matter to her. In order to make her meeting, Katherine had to keep going. She had waited too long for this day to end up canceling because of a stupid storm.
I paid a lot of money for those sealed papers. Soon I’ll know where I come from. Soon I’ll know their names...the names of the people who gave me up.
An hour later, Katherine did the customary glance of mirrors, speed, and road before letting her fingers roam over the console. She needed to skip over the current song, wanting to hear another one instead. Even though Katherine had driven her car for over two years, she always had an impossible time finding the right button. After some fumbling, Katherine felt the well-worn spot before giving it several distinct pushes. There was no sound while the CD skipped five tracks forward.
* * * *
Then what?
In her mind’s eye, Katherine sensed the last scenes of her life come together, much like a splintered mirror. The gaps were there, but enough of an image was reflected to allow her imagination to make a whole.
* * * *
Katherine looked back up, seeing the gray skies through the skeletal branches of winterized trees. Nothing had changed for the last forty minutes. A victorious smile curved her lips. She was going to beat the storm. After all, Katherine was only ten miles away from her destination. She glanced up at the rear-view mirror.
* * * *
What else?
The low timbre of Azer’s voice broke her concentration. It pulled Katherine away from her disconnected thoughts to the present. She frowned and fought to recapture the fading images. Unfortunately, they slipped away into the opaque mirror of Katherine’s mind.
It’s too late.
The reel of those last moments jumbled into a useless heap, leaving her with more questions, but no definitive answers. The agonizing headache left as quickly as it came.
That’s strange but I’m not complaining. Not the first time and won’t be the last I’m sure. My head’s always one headache away from exploding.
With a silent sigh of relief, Katherine raised her head. She turned towards Azer and noted his worried expression.
“Sorry to zone out on you like that. I was just trying to figure out the last day.”
“I understand.”
“You do? Good, because I need to know one thing.”
“Anything.”
“How’d you find me?”
Azer shifted his attention to the endless plains of snow. “I was on my way home from the grocer’s.” The corner of his expressive mouth twisted. “Out here people tend to take any hint of blizzards very seriously, so I was stocking up on necessities.” Dropping the half-smile, he continued. “I was only a couple of miles away when I saw your car.”
Dread took hold of Katherine’s tense body. Another crimson memory splashed across the canvas of her confused mind. Shock spread until her insides twisted into hopeless knots.
There had been no near accident.
Katherine clenched her eyes shut. She now remembered everything in stark detail.
* * * *
The first throbbing beats of music had hit the sound system and filled the air with an indefinable sense of excitement. Her head swayed in time, loose tendrils of soft hair brushing lightly against her neck. She had never been able to resist this particular song. Lending her voice to the lyrics, she sang along passionately. Katherine felt the constant gloom within lift its hold.
The effect of the loud, pulsing bass created a suppressed tingle of ecstasy, quickly making her entire body tight with music driven euphoria.
* * * *
Katherine recalled how the previous tenseness began to seep away until it never existed.
I had no clue what was going to happen next.
With a tight jaw, she continued to watch the events in her mind, cringing from what was to come.
* * * *
Katherine glanced down at the speedometer. She pressed her booted foot down, bravely watching the scarlet line inch higher. Katherine gripped the wheel firmly and ignored the world speeding by.
The harsh beauty meant nothing in comparison to the present moment of freedom.
Katherine felt an excited smile curve her lips upward. A bubble of joy made its way through her veins.
The faster I drive, the sooner I’ll come to knowing who I am. Maybe then I’ll know why I’m like this.
Not even a full minute later, the car shook from the fury of howling wind, before spinning out of control.
Katherine’s last whisper before the blackness was, “I almost made it.”
* * * *
“It’s amazing how peaceful it looks out there.”
“What?”
Katherine gestured with her hand. “The snow. It’s so fucking beautiful.”
“It is.” Several seconds passed. “You’re okay then?”
“Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”
Azer’s brow wrinkled in bewilderment. “Because you just found out about your accident.”
“You think I’m a little nutty because I’m not freaking out.”
“No, of course not.”
“Yes, you do,” she stated flatly. Katherine’s gaze slid to his. She laughed. “I’m just kidding. Don’t take it so seriously, Azer.” Enigmatic euphoria made her eyes sparkle. “I didn’t die this time. I can’t complain too much.”
“That’s true.” His eyes assessed her, cautious and bemused.
“Don’t stare at your houseguest. It makes her naughty. Instead, stand by me and look at the pretty snow.” She waited until Azer moved closer before focusing her empty interest on the landscape. It took Katherine’s eyes a moment to readjust. Soon a brilliant white picture of the world began to form.
Pristine snow stretched for miles in all directions, the many undulating hills forming a natural fortress complete with gate. Stately pines rose in salute, marking the border between this piece of the world and the other, while the setting crimson sun cast long shadows across the untouched landscape.
Leaning her head against the panes, Katherine felt the sharp sting of frost nip her flesh. She blew her breath against the glass like a child, watching with timeless glee as the fog took shape. Katherine pressed her nose against the chilling blur, leaving an imperfect circle behind.
When was the last time I felt so carefree?
Out of the corner of her eye, Katherine could see Azer watching her, perhaps waiting for the next move.
“You’re not looking at the snow, Azer.”
“I see it everyday.”
“Ah, so you’d rather just stare at me.”
“Just returning the favor, Katherine.”
“True, true.” She tapped the window once. “Are we even?”
“Maybe. Can I ask you something?”
“Go for it.”
“Do you really remember what happened?”
“I guess.” Pausing for a moment or two she admitted, “Not really, but I think I must have hit a patch of ice. A gust of wind must’ve then pushed my car off the road before the airbag knocked me unconscious. All predictable in its automotive way.” Looking out the window again, she murmured, “And I was almost there too!”
“If you don’t mind me asking, where were you going?”
Katherine shrugged her shoulders. “I just had to meet up with someone.”
“Ah. I see.”
His hushed tone admitted to crossing a line of privacy. Katherine felt no need to reassure him. The sooner Azer learned to keep his distance when it came to her affairs—the better.
Katherine rubbed the back of her head. Her fingers probed the skin with tender care, looking for evidence of what had transpired on a lonely mountain road. Finding nothing, Katherine dropped her arm onto the sill and leaned against it.
“I wonder what kind of damage my car has now."
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the front was completely smashed.”
“I was afraid you'd say that!”
Azer placed his palm on Katherine’s shoulder. “If it’s any consolation I was able to get the stuff you had in the trunk.” He gave a slight squeeze, brief with daring, before removing his hand. “So although you’re stranded, I hope you can still enjoy the comforts of home.”
Home. It’s not something I’ve really had for a long time. So here or there—it doesn’t really matter to me.
Katherine lifted her head. Her impassive gaze settled on Azer’s exquisitely handsome face. It unsettled her. Although his hand was gone, she could still feel the intoxicating heat his one touch inspired.
I’ve been cold to another for so long, but somehow this man is able to make me feel him.
Azer pulled something out of his pocket. “Here.”
She looked at the object in his large hand and saw a plain, metal ring adorned with three scuffed keys. Katherine closed her fingers over it. She recognized the familiar texture of her car’s large ignition key.
“Thanks.”
Her bright voice didn’t betray the bleak thoughts beneath. The various symbols of ownership in her grip were definitive proof this experience wasn’t just a dream.
If I was going any faster…
“I know it feels pretty bad, but just think—it could’ve been worse.”
“You’ve got a point,” she mumbled. Staring down at the polished floor, Katherine straddled between cursing Fate and thanking it. Amazing. Her car was totaled, so badly she was unconscious when found. Yet, here she was—standing on her own two feet.
I should be feeling lucky, but I don’t. Instead, I’m pissed.
“Let’s see how much worse it can get. My car’s not drivable, right? Meaning I can’t leave on my own?”
“Pretty much.”
Katherine heaved a loud sigh. “I guess that's why I pay outrageous insurance premiums,” she said while stuffing the keys in her pocket. “If there was ever a reason to be legally robbed for having ‘auto protection’ this is it.” She shook her head and huffed. “Although if it can't be fixed, those bastards better pay up enough to get me another car.”
“Don’t worry. A report has already been filed.”
“Really?”
“Uh-huh. After I put you to bed, I radioed it in to the local authorities.” Without turning towards her, he explained. “I knew I was taking a chance in bringing you here instead of the hospital, but the snow was coming down full force by the time I got to your car. I barely got you out of yours and into mine, before the blizzard fell on us. Instead of staying up there on the chance of a patrol possibly coming around, I decided to bring you here and radio in what happened to the sheriff’s.”
“Did you tell him about me being unconscious?”
“No.”
“Why not? If something happened, like I fell into a coma or went brain-dead, you’d probably find yourself living in a cell for quite some time.”
“I took a leap of faith.”
“Is that something you do often?”
“No. Just with those who are worth it.”
A deep frown cut across her brow. She wondered when the last time a stranger did anything kind for her. Raising her eyes to meet his, Katherine would’ve expected him, at the very least, to be in the bed with her, naked and ready to take payment. At least after he found out he wasn’t going to be fucking a corpse.
Katherine took a deep breath and held it for several moments.
He’s yet to make a move. All in all he’s been a perfect gentleman.
She let it out and stumbled from the burden of gratitude. “Umm, thanks, Azer. For everything. I really appreciate what you did.” Courtesy hadn’t been a staple of her life for years. It felt wretched.
Azer graced her with a full smile, revealing a beautiful set of strong, shining teeth. “You’re welcome.”
What would it be like to be here forever?
Acutely aware of the closeness between them, she shared, “It’s so beautiful.”
He glanced out the window. “I think I’ve become immune out of habit, but you’re right. The snow is beautiful.”
“No, not the snow. Your smile.”
Several moments of enigmatic silence followed, the light fading as it descended rapidly into flaming darkness.
“I never notice.”
“You should.” Katherine couldn’t mistake hearing a soft note of loneliness in his voice, despite how cleverly hidden. She reached up and brushed her fingertips across his lips, careful to remain removed. “You should smile all the time. Even when you’re sad. It does wonders for those watching.”
No matter who we are or what we do we’re alone. All of us. Even when someone’s watching. But smile anyway. Never let them see your weaknesses.
As if feeling her somber mood, Azer changed the topic. “Are you hungry?”
“Sure.” Katherine cupped his cheek before dropping her hand. “In fact, I’m starving. Near-death experiences kind of have that effect on me.”
“Good.” Azer strode towards the plain door and threw over his shoulder, “Why don’t you join me downstairs in a few minutes? I’ll cook something and you can tell me a little more about yourself.”
“What if I don’t feel like sharing?”
He paused at the door. His mouth lifted in a playful smile. “I guess it’ll be up to me to make sure you feel like it. After all, Katherine Merror, I may have saved your life today—I’d at least like to know a bit more about it.”
“That’s blackmail!”
“Blackmail insinuates force and I’d never force you. Charm you? Yes. Badger you? Yes. Force you? Never.”
Katherine reached out, searching for proof of Azer’s words. He seemed sincere and honest, but the best liars usually did.
Why should I care? Either way I can protect myself. If I want to.
Her cynical thoughts didn’t keep Katherine from still probing his true being. The longer she searched, the more her attention became riveted by the perfection of his darkly clad figure. Azer’s manner reminded her of the way things used to be, before it all fell apart.
He’s different, but at the same time he seems so much like Mikhail. After all these years, I still miss that bastard. And the sick thing is…I probably will for the rest of my life.
Fucking piece of shit.
Katherine’s wistful gaze clung to Azer. She wondered once more what it would be like to start again, to become someone free from useless sin and burdensome guilt. It’d be extremely foolish to hope one man could be the key to release—especially knowing her sentence would follow her to the grave.
But can’t I pretend for a little while? Who’s it going to hurt?
“Will you meet me?”
Katherine’s eyes locked with his. They plunged in an emerald ocean and swam towards an infinite darkness she couldn’t see.
Just for tonight I want to feel something other than me. Just for tonight I don’t want to feel alone.
Just for tonight.
* * * *
She sat on the bed and sobbed into her hands.
“Katherine? What’s wrong? What did I say?” Mikhail clasped her against his naked chest. His face reflected pure confusion and the beginnings of fear.
“N-nothing. I-I’m s-sorry. I-I don’t m-mean t-to be a b-baby.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
Dropping her hands, she turned towards him. She pressed her wet face against his neck. “It’s j-just that I thought I’d b-be alone f-forever.”
Mikhail lifted her face up and kissed her deeply, ignoring the tears still streaming down her reddened face. He rested his mouth against hers. “You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone again.”
* * * *
Letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, Katherine nodded her head. “I’ll be down in a few.”
Another brilliant smile curved his lips, softening the vibrant green of his gaze and enrapturing her further. “All right, see you then.” As an afterthought Azer mentioned, “By the way, your bags are on the other side of the bed.”
She glanced at the directed area. “Thanks.” Katherine watched the white door close and experienced a fierce ache of separation rise up. It threatened to make her run after him. She strode over to her bags, pretending she never felt weakness or longing.
On the other side of the door, Azer paused, his face twisting from the shadowed desires rushing through his body. Hunger promised to consume him. Closing his eyes, Azer thought of her with maddened longing.
I know you feel me, Katherine, even if you fool yourself into thinking that it’s just about him. Just like so long ago…
Taking a deep breath, Azer walked away from the alluring woman in the white room, commanding his dark instincts into submission. Even so, his emerald eyes swirled, their terrible energy clashing in a violent display of contained power.
Soon, Katherine. Soon.
CHAPTER THREE
“What It Should’ve Been”
I loathe my wretched memories.
They make a mockery of all wit and charm.
And still I court them.
Katherine bent down and picked up the large, maroon suitcase. She threw it up onto the bed and set about opening it. The mechanical hiss of a zipper releasing its hold echoed throughout the silent space before revealing the case’s protected contents.
She dug past several piles of neatly folded sweaters, pants, and cotton dainties, before finding the plastic toiletries pack with a relieved sigh. Running a hand through her mangled locks, Katherine checked to make sure she still had an elastic band somewhere within the ratted nest.
I hate it when my hair gets this wild.
She picked up the clear case and scanned the room in hopes of a mirror. Seeing only blank white walls, Katherine walked towards a closed door, guessing it could be a bathroom. She opened it partway, poked her head in, and met an empty closet. Closing the door with a small shrug, she soon spied another and strode towards it.
This time Katherine was confident she would find what she was looking for.
The iron knob turned easily. She flipped on the light switch and found herself in a tiny replica of the bedroom, only in lavatory form.
I’m guessing Azer either isn’t big on decorating or his favorite color is white.
Katherine set her bag on the sink, dug out a large comb, and reached up to tackle the wild mane passing for hair. She confronted the curly mess with baleful regard.
God! I can’t believe anyone saw me like this!
Tempted to take a bath and start all over, she eyed the tub for a wistful moment before picking up her comb.
If I take a bath, it’ll take too long and I did say a few minutes.
Despite its bad beginnings, within a couple of minutes she managed to make order out of chaos with a sleekly braided ponytail. Now gazing at the mirror with a smile, she rummaged further into the bag and pulled out a toothbrush and toothpaste. Quickly brushing her teeth, Katherine admitted to herself she was primping more than usual.
But look at him! It’s no big mystery why I don’t want to look like a slob.
Katherine rested her hands on the sink and leaned forward. She couldn’t deny the anticipation coiling within, ready to snap in a desperate attempt to become real. She studied the reflection peering back. A rare sparkle of excitement shimmered like liquid gold and a flush reddened her smooth cheeks.
I feel like I’m seventeen all over again.
Suddenly, Katherine heard an inner voice admonish her foolish enthusiasm.
Don’t get weird. Maybe you’ll fuck him, maybe not. But don’t confuse him with someone who’s dead to you. He’s NOT Mikhail.
Besides you know it’s just a game, not something real.
“A game.”
* * * *
Katherine stumbled down the stairs, both hands held firmly against her stomach. The pain dragged poisoned claws against her recoiling flesh.
“Shit!” Katherine paused at the bottom of the stairway while her dull gaze tried to make sense of what had happened. Where should she go? Who should she tell?
Staring into the night’s malevolent shadows, she panted, unsure of her next move.
“This can’t be real,” she whispered. Katherine’s words were a sorrowful accusation to an unfriendly world she was thrust back into. Merciless stabs of conscience burrowed themselves into her brain, forcing her to take one step after another.
* * * *
“No, it’s not real and it’s always a game.”
A well of unmentionable sorrow sprang forth, banking the iridescent anticipation in Katherine’s eyes. They became a blank stare of clinical curiosity.