Puppy Love
by
Jeff Erno
SMASHWORDS EDITION
* * * * * * *
Published by Fanny Press on Smashwords
Puppy Love
Copyright © 2010 by Jeff Erno
Fanny Press
PO Box 70515
Seattle, WA 98127
For more information, go to www.fannypress.com
http://www.jefferno.com/
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
Puppy Love
Copyright © 2010 by Jeff Erno
ISBN: 978-1-60381-435-5 (EPub)
Produced in the United States of America
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* * * * * * *
to Brad, with all my love,
pup
* * * * * * *
Puppy Love
1
“Why are you shivering? It’s seventy degrees.” I looked up sheepishly at the tall jock standing beside me and shrugged my shoulders in answer to his question, then quickly looked back towards the ground at my feet, shivering again. “You sick?” he asked. I shook my head.
I knew who he was. His name was Matt, and I’d admired him from afar for the past four years of high school. He had been in many of my classes over the years, yet I doubted that he could even identify me by name. We were standing together at a bus stop, and I was waiting for a bus that would transport me downtown to the community college for my morning class. I was not sure why Matt was there this morning because I’d always noticed him driving around in his own sports car. As if reading my mind, he said to me, “Yeah, sucks havin to catch this stupid bus, but I’m having my car detailed today. I get to pick it up at one o’clock.” He was trying to make small talk with me, and I wanted more than anything to be able to respond to him, but when I opened my mouth to respond, nothing would come out. Again I shivered and looked away. I wondered what he must have been thinking about me. He probably thought I was a total nerd…a complete geek.
It was a relief when I finally heard the bus pull up, and as I looked up Matt had already bounded the steps and was paying his fare. I climbed in behind him and looked around for a seat. The bus was nearly empty so I headed towards the back and sat alone; Matt grabbed a seat somewhere in the midsection of the bus, and I settled in as I heard the gears of the bus roar and we headed towards the downtown district. I opened my backpack then and pulled out a copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It was not unusual for a college-aged guy like me to be reading this children’s book—it seemed the entire planet was in the process of devouring this latest installment of the boy wizard saga. It was my third time reading the book, for I was a bit obsessed with the tales. I pushed my glasses up on my nose and scrunched down comfortably in the seat as I dove into chapter seventeen.
The bus came to a stop to let on more passengers. I knew that we had three more stops before we reached the college, so I didn’t even bother to look up. A group of rowdy teenagers got on. From high school I’d learned how to easily tune out the background noise when I was reading or studying, so I paid little attention. I felt pressure against my back as someone must have settled in and pushed their feet up against the seat behind me. Reflexively I turned to glance behind me and saw it was Devin Baker, a high school senior who took a cooperative tech class at the college. He was a regular on the bus, and I had the misfortune of frequently sharing space with him on public transit.
“What are you looking at, fag?” he sneered. I quickly looked back down into the pages of my book, not saying anything. “Hey, I’m talkin to you, geek! What the fuck you looking at?”
“Nothing,” I squeaked. “I—” His hand instantly connected with the back of my head.
“Shut the fuck up and turn around, faggot.” I instantly obeyed him, rubbing the back of my head to try to wipe away the sting of his slap. I dove back into my novel, trying to ignore Devin and his friend who were making obscene gestures out the window to pedestrians that we passed. By the time we reached the college, I was nearly through with my chapter, and I remained in my seat reading quickly to get to the final paragraph. It was best if I waited to exit the bus until Devin and his friend were long gone, anyways. At last the bus was nearly empty and I marked my page, closing the hardcover book and tucking it under my arm. I swung my backpack around my shoulder as I headed down the aisle and descended the steps.
Looking at the ground in front of me, I walked briskly down the sidewalk towards the science building, which was where my first class was being held. All of a sudden, as if out of nowhere, I felt a powerful blow connect with my back, right between the shoulder blades. Gasping, I was hurled forward and lost my balance, landing face down on the pavement with my book flying ahead of me about ten feet. I heard laughter. It was Devin and his friend. “Watch where you’re walkin fag!” yelled Devin, “then maybe people won’t run into you!” I lay there quietly, praying they would just leave. I would have gotten my wish but Devin’s friend Kyle caught sight of my Harry Potter book.
“Hey Dev, look at this! It’s Harry Potter. The fag boy is reading a kiddy book.” They both laughed as Kyle tossed the book over to Kevin. I got up to a kneeling position.
“Please… uh, please give it back,” I implored. The two boys looked down at me, grinning, and then back at one another, as if they both had the same idea simultaneously. It was Devin who spoke.
“If you want it fag, crawl over here and get it.” I looked up at him, wide-eyed, and suddenly became aware that there were other people walking by who surely would notice me crawling across the pavement. But then again, I really had no choice. It wasn’t like I could overpower these two bullies to get my book back. So I placed my hands flat on the ground in front of me and crawled towards him. He backed up as I got closer to him and both boys were laughing hysterically. “You look like a fuckin dog! If you want it, DOGboy, sit up and beg for it!”
I felt my face getting red. “Please Devin,” I asked meekly, “Please just give me back my book.” Just then I felt another startling blow as Kyle’s foot connected with my gut.
“You heard him faggot! He said BEG…like the dog you are!” I doubled over in pain, tears now coming into my eyes, blurring my vision. I forced myself to sit upright as quickly as possible and they both were staring down at me smirking. I pulled my arms up against my chest, holding my wrists in a limp position as if to imitate a dog who was begging. I stared up at Devin who busted out laughing. “Here doggy…you want your bone?” He held the book out to me and quickly I reached up for it. He snatched it back from me and tossed it to Kyle. “All you gotta do now is catch it, fag! That shouldn’t be hard, should it? Uh-oh…I just remembered something…FAGS CAN’T CATCH!” They laughed, tossing my book back and forth over my head as I jumped up trying to catch it each time.
Their taunts continued and I was starting to get really worried, knowing I was going to be late for class. I was getting so frustrated and was in so much pain from the kick to my abs that I was openly crying. This seemed to do nothing but fuel the passions of my tormentors. They continued to call me names and insult me as they worked me into a frenzy. Finally out of frustration and pure exhaustion I dropped down to my knees and buried my hands in my face. I was sobbing now, but my weakness did not provoke any sympathy from the bullies. They met my cries with more ridicule and Kyle sneered at me, “Here faggot, you want your sissy book back? He pulled back his arm and swung the book full force into my face, connecting with my nose and knocking my glasses off, shattering them.” I felt the blood erupt from my nose as searing pain shot through my skull.
Just then I heard another voice. I had then fallen prostrate on the ground, but I heard the familiar voice of the jock I’d encountered earlier. It was Matt. By this time there really were no other people around. The sidewalks had emptied as students made their way into their morning classes. “What the FUCK is goin on here?!” Matt demanded.
The bullies laughed, thinking they had recruited another participant for their “fag” bashing session. “This faggot here wasn’t watching where he was walkin. We’re teachin him to pay closer attention,” said Devin.
“Oh, is that so?” asked Matt smugly. “I hate it when people are inconsiderate like that. But you know what I do when someone is in my way? I MOVE them,” he said. I looked up right as Matt’s fist connected with Devin’s chin. “Like that!” Devin was taken by surprise and was forced backwards by the powerful blow. I heard the thud of Matt’s knuckles as they cracked against Devin’s jaw. Devin was on the ground in an instant. Almost immediately, Matt turned to face the other bully. Kyle was at least six inches shorter than Matt, and he stared at him, sort of the way a deer who is caught in the beams of oncoming headlights.
“Hey man…” Kyle said, holding his hands up as he faced Matt. “We don’t want any shit. We were just having fun. That’s all!” He was backing away from Matt.
“Get the fuck outta here now! Both of you!!” yelled Matt. Devin scrambled to his feet, rubbing his jaw. They ran towards the science building together. Matt watched them disappear before he approached me. Then he squatted down beside me. “Hey, are you okay?” He put his arm around me and pulled me into him. “We better get you over to the emergency room.”
I shook my head violently, still unable to talk. “No” I finally managed. “I’ll be otay.” I could hardly talk, my nose bleeding profusely.
“Yes!” he said, and scooped me up in his arms. I did not really remember much after that until I woke up in a hospital bed. Matt was standing beside me, along with my sister Kathie. My nose had been bandaged and I could breathe only through my mouth. I felt excruciating pain shoot through my head as I tried focusing on the visitors beside me.
“Hey Petey!” it was Kathie. “Petey, you’re awake.” She grabbed my hand. “I’m so sorry about what happened to you babe. But it’s okay. You’re safe now.”
“Hey little guy,” it was Matt speaking. “You got yourself a bad concussion. And your nose is broke. It’s a good thing I didn’t listen to you when you refused to go to the hospital.” I stared up at him, hardly believing what I was hearing. Why would this jock guy take me to the hospital? Why would he care?
“Your car…?” I began to ask, remembering that he was supposed to pick it up.
“Oh, yeah,” he laughed, “Don’t worry about my car. I can get that later.” A doctor then approached, leaning down over me. He introduced himself and shined a bright penlight into each of my eyes, pulling my lids back with his fingers. I was so groggy and still sort of confused. He continued to examine me and spoke to my sister as he did so. I was not paying attention to his words though. I reached out my hand, grabbing towards Matt. He looked down at me and met my hand with his, squeezing it.
I was in the hospital for only a few hours before they released me, instructing my sister how to care for me. I was not allowed to go back to sleep for the next several hours, which seemed impossible. All I wanted to do was sleep, especially with the pain killers they’d pumped into me. My sister drove Matt over to the dealership to pick up his car while I sat alone in her backseat. The two of them kept trying to talk to me to keep me awake. Before getting out of her car, Matt handed Kathie a piece of paper that had his name and phone number on it. He asked her to call him and let him know how I was doing. She promised to do so, and then drove me back home.
Kathie and I shared an apartment together. We were the only immediate family that each other had. Our parents had both died two years prior, during my sophomore year of high school. Kathie was four years older than me, and had her own apartment already. She allowed me to move in with her while I finished out high school. After which, I then decided to attend community college for a couple years before going to university. Neither of us really was excited about the possibility that we might be separated some day.
* * * * * * *
My name is Peter Drinkell, but I grew up being referred affectionately as “Petey.” It became apparent by the time I was in the second grade that I was cursed with shortness. As a toddler I was a slight child, like so many other babies, but even after the other kids my age started to grow, it seemed I always lagged behind. By the time I reached puberty it was obvious that I would not grow much taller than 5’2.” When I walked down the aisle to receive my diploma, I weighed in at a mere 106 pounds.
When I was twelve years old, my mother took me to the optometrist to get my first pair of glasses. For the longest time I was too humiliated to wear them. My peers already seized every opportunity to ridicule me, so why should I give them yet another weapon to use against me? However, once I realized how much better I could see with the glasses, I started wearing them more and more frequently. Eventually it really didn’t matter much that the others sometimes called me “Four eyes” and other such childish put-downs; really, the glasses seemed to suit me. I guess I was sort of a geeky kid anyhow, might as well be smart-looking too.
It was not really that I was friendless and a total outcast in my school. I pretty much kept to myself and was always rather shy. There just always seems to be a clique of people, in any school, who seek out the most vulnerable students to victimize. A lot of my female classmates found me a bit endearing, actually, possibly because I was little. Most of the jocks didn’t really even realize that I existed. My biggest problem was dealing with losers like Devin Baker, guys who really didn’t have much about themselves for which to be proud so they boosted their own egos by torturing people who were smaller than themselves.
That night after my beating, my sister and I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning playing trivial pursuit. She made us a pot of coffee and kept me occupied so that I would not get too drowsy. When I was released from the ER, I was instructed not to sleep for twelve hours, so that meant we wouldn’t be going to bed until three in the morning. I told Kathie to go ahead and zonk out, but it was pointless.
During our game, I kept losing concentration, and I’m sure that Kathie was concerned that my distraction was due to the concussion. In reality, though, my mind kept drifting back over the events of the day. I kept seeing Matt’s face as I had first seen it when I woke up in the hospital. He was staring down at me, smiling affectionately. I remembered him scooping me up into his embrace when he carried me away from the campus. I guess he had hailed down a car, one of the other college students, and they drove me to the hospital. By that time I was out of it, so I wasn’t even sure who it was.
Matt had called around eight o’clock to see how I was doing, but Kathie was the one who talked to him. I was sort of relieved actually, ’cause I’m not even sure what I’d have said to him. It was like when he was standing next to me at the bus stop, I could not come up with any intelligent words to say to him. God, I hated that feeling! It was so embarrassing to know that this really cool person must see me as being a complete numbskull.
Matt was everything that I was not. He was tall, 6’2,” had an athletic build, light brown short hair, and a stunning smile. It seemed he excelled in just about every sport. During high school, he had been a pitcher on our school’s baseball team, he was wide receiver on the football team, and he ran track. He played basketball for one year but for some reason dropped out of it, which was rather surprising to me because of his height. He was the sort of guy that wimpy dudes like me totally emulated. He always had a girlfriend, always was popular, and seemed to be born with a silver spoon in his mouth. It was not that Matt Porter was overly nice either. I mean, he had an obvious air of confidence about him that sometimes made him seem rather cocky. This cockiness was the one factor about him that made me the most self conscious when I was around him. He just seemed to be so superior to me…he made me feel like I was his subordinate or something.
I think that Matt knew in his own mind that he was superior to a lot of other people. It’s not that he was prejudiced or conceited, just that he knew he had his act together. He knew that other people had a tendency to idolize him, and for good reason. This wasn’t something that he gloated about, but merely something he accepted as a fact. Maybe he just was one of those guys who was a born leader. He had it within himself to be the head of the pack, number one at everything he did. He was the junior and senior class president of the student council, went all state in baseball and track, was in all the advanced classes in middle and high school, maintained a nearly perfect GPA. He just was the sheer embodiment of perfection to me.
So when my twelve hours of forced insomnia were up, I finally headed for the softness of my waiting bed, but I found myself unable to drift off to sleep in spite of my tiredness. I doubt it was the caffeine that was keeping me awake--more likely my own rapidly-beating heart, as I lay there ruminating on the images of Matt in my mind. He was like a super hero to me, having swooped down upon my enemies, grinding them under the powerful justice of his vengeful wrath. He then carried me to safety, cradled in his protective and mighty arms. I could feel my small body pressing against him, as I relived the rescue over and over in my mind.
When I awoke in the morning I blushed, realizing there was a sticky wet spot in the front of my briefs and on the bed sheets. I checked to make sure my door was locked before I stripped the bedding and headed for the shower. Already I could hear Kathie puttering in the kitchen, obviously preparing breakfast. Generally I did the cooking, but perhaps today she was allowing me to sleep in a bit. After my shower and my stop in the laundry room, I joined Kathie in the kitchen.
“Hey Petey…wasn’t sure you’d be getting up this early. Don’t you want to take a day from classes after yesterday?”
I rubbed my hair with the towel that hung from around my neck, “I don’t know, I already missed all my classes from yesterday. Do you think I should cut class again today?”
“Well, honey, it’s not really like cutting class. You were assaulted!”
I shrugged, “Well, I don’t even know if I want to ride that bus again today. What if Devin is on it again?” Just then the phone rang. Kathie looked at me puzzled, probably wondering who was calling so early in the morning, “Hello?” she said. “Oh hi, good morning…No, he is up. He seems to be doing fine other than a couple of shiners…. Okay yeah, here he is…” Kathie handed me the phone, mouthing the word “Matt” as I took the receiver from her.
I hesitated, wondering what I could possibly say to him, “Uhhh, hello?”
“Hey guy! How’s your head?”
“Oh…well, umm…it doesn’t hurt so much any more. I have a black eye though.”
“Figured you would. Hey, you aren’t going to class today are you?”
“Well… I don’t know. I mean, I should probably go cause I don’t wanna get too far behind. But—”
“You wanna ride with me?” he asked, “I mean so that you don’t have to worry about those bullies?”
“Ummm, no, really; I don’t want to put you out…”
“I’ll be there at nine o’clock to pick you up. You aren’t putting me out or else I wouldn’t have offered. Plus, we need to file a report about this at the police station too. These punks aren’t gonna get away with this. We aren’t gonna let em.”
When I hung up the phone, I looked up at Kathie, panic-stricken, “He’s uhhh…he’s gonna come over here!” I ran into my bedroom despite Kathie’s cries for me to return to eat my breakfast and started whipping clothes out of my closet. I stepped in front of the mirror and was aghast at my own face, badly bruised and sporting two black eyes. The one shiner was not nearly as pronounced as the other one, but I had to admit, I looked pathetic. Maybe I should just skip class today after all. I mean, I did look and feel like total shit. But then I thought of the prospect of riding alone to campus with Matt. I pulled a tee shirt over my head and jumped into my jeans.
It was just a couple minutes past nine when I heard the rap on the front door. Kathie was closest and went over to let in our guest. Matt smiled at her as she invited him in. He glanced over towards me and his jaw dropped. He cracked into a big wide grin, almost laughing, “Oh my god! You really do have a couple of shiners. You know what you remind me of?” I looked down at my feet, embarrassed, shaking my head. “You ever see the Little Rascals?” he asked. “You look like that little dog on there…Petey!” He busted out laughing and so did Kathie. “And that’s even your name!”
I felt my face getting red, but as I looked up to meet his gaze, I saw such kindness in his eyes. “I’m jus’ messin w’ ya, you know?” He stepped over to me and put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into him. “Just am glad you’re all right.”
Before we left, Matt asked Kathie for copies of the discharge paperwork from the hospital. He said that we would need them when we filed the police report. Kathie offered to take off work to go with us, but he assured her that her presence wasn’t going to be needed because she did not witness the crime or anything. We were going to wait and go to the station after Matt’s first class, he told me. Neither one of us had a second hour class scheduled that day, so it would be perfect timing.
When we got into the car, I turned to Matt: “Can I ask you something…sir?” He looked over at me, puzzled, probably surprised that I called him that, but did not correct me.
“Shoot,” he said, giving me the go-ahead to fire my question to him.
“How did you get me over to the hospital? I mean, your car was in the garage.”
“Oh, well I knew my girlfriend Tracy was probably in the parking lot. She actually would have picked me up for a ride yesterday morning, but she had some kind of appointment just before class. She was in the lot when I ran over there with you, though, and took us up to the hospital.”
I felt a very sinking feeling in my chest. Of course Matt had a girlfriend. He always had a girlfriend, and why wouldn’t he? A guy like him probably had all kinds of girls begging to go out with him. “Oh, well, will you tell her thanks for me?”
“Sure, Petey,” he grinned at me, still enjoying the L’il Rascals joke, I’m sure. “Turns out, my girlfriend knows your sister,” he said. “Guess they are pretty close friends.”
It suddenly dawned on me, his girlfriend must be Tracy Mansfield. She and my sister had been best friends for the past ten years, at least. I could not stand Tracy and did not understand what my sister even saw in her. This was pretty wild; talk about a small world.
“So how long have you two been goin out?” I asked.
“Oh, just about a month, actually.” That explained why I did not know about it, since Tracy’s presence had been scarce as of late. That must have been how they got a hold of my sister from the hospital. Tracy would have recognized me and known to call her. It was weird that Kathie hadn’t said anything to me about it yesterday, though.
When we got to the campus Matt gave me instructions to meet him back at the car after first hour. He walked with me to my first class, obviously aware that I would be skittish after what had happened the previous day. I was embarrassed by all the stares of the passers-by.
It felt weird in class. I could not really focus clearly on what was going on, not without my glasses. The professor at the front of the classroom was just a blur to me. It would be at least a couple of weeks before I’d be able to come up with the money to get a replacement pair. My only income was from a part time job I had at a bookstore two or three nights a week. My college tuition was being paid by a PELL grant, and my sister’s income paid for our living expenses.
After class, I headed briskly towards the parking lot, squinting to see Matt’s car. He was already there, and alongside him was Tracy. As I approached, she turned over towards me, and without a word turned and walked away. She did not even kiss him goodbye! God, what kind of a girlfriend was she?
Matt clicked the remote to unlock my door and told me to hop in. He got in behind the wheel and peeled out of the lot quickly. I could feel the tension, obviously from the words he’d just shared with Tracy. I glanced over at him, and eventually his face softened, “Don’t be nervous about the police station,” he instructed me. “I’ll do most of the talking.”
“Yes, sir,” I said to him as we drove down the street.
* * * * * * *
I didn’t have any more problems with Devin or Kyle after that. They were charged with assault, and a personal protection order was issued that barred them from having any contact with me. This meant that they could no longer ride the bus, because if they were to come within a five hundred feet radius of me, they would be in violation of the order. They also obviously took pains to avoid me on campus as well. Although they were minors, since they were both seventeen, they were charged as adults. I did not have to testify against them in court either, because they simply pled guilty. The best thing, though, was that they even had to pay for my replacement pair of glasses.
After the incident was over, it was quite awhile before I actually had contact with Matt again. I found out from Kathie that there was some sort of a history with Matt that involved her. Apparently she and Tracy had both been attracted to him. Kathie confided her feelings to Tracy, who then went after Matt behind Kathie’s back. Next thing Kathie knew, Tracy and Matt were dating, and that was pretty much the end of their ten year friendship. I assumed that the argument that Tracy had with Matt on the day that he drove me to the police station was related to that whole situation. Tracy did not want Matt to have anything to do with me for fear that it would ultimately involve him with Kathie. The whole situation was rather twisted, and frankly I did not want to be a part of the madness.
Thus it made perfect sense to me that Matt would distance himself from me and from Kathie both, and he did precisely that. My feelings for him were still those of hero-worship, however; he would always be my knight in shining armor.
It wasn’t until about two months later that I finally encountered Matt again. I was walking back to our apartment one day from the corner market, carrying a bag of groceries when I saw Matt coming towards me. He was walking a small dog- just a puppy actually. The dog was white and had bandit-style markings around his eyes, just like the L’il Rascals dog he had compared me to. I stopped in my tracks, grinning down at the dog.
“Hey guy!” Matt called to me. “See my new pup? I just got him from the Humane Society yesterday.” I set my grocery bag down on the curb and knelt to pet the puppy. “Guess what I named him?” Matt beamed.
I looked up at him. “Petey?” I asked. Matt nodded and laughed heartily.
“I could not resist him. Can you believe how much he looks like the original Petey? What a coincidence to find a dog like that after what happened.” I nodded to him, continuing to pet the puppy. “So how you doing? Havin any more problems with bullies?”
“No sir,” I said, “None at all. I never even see those guys any more.”
“Well you let me know if you have any problems with anyone. I’ll take care of ’em for ya.” I smiled up at him, never doubting his sincerity for a second.
“I can’t believe how nice you are to me sir,” I said, still kneeling at his feet petting Petey. “I mean most people would have just let those guys finish me off.”
“Well in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not most guys,” Matt informed me.
“I noticed…really I did,” I said to him, though this time not having the courage to look up at him. I continued to stare down at the pup. My heart raced as I knelt there in front of Matt, petting his dog. I wondered if he even had an inkling of what I was feeling towards him. Before I could worry about it any longer, though, he interrupted my thoughts.
“You should come over some time and visit us. I think the pup likes you. Maybe it’s cause he sees a resemblance.”
“Very funny!” I laughed. “But sure, I’d love to come over some time…if I can catch you when you aren’t with Tracy, that is.”
“Oh,” he said, “don’t worry about Tracy. I don’t even see her that much.”
“Really?” I asked, “Well maybe I will stop by this week sometime then. Do you live on Fourteenth Street?”
“Yeah, remember, I showed you?” I nodded. “Come over tomorrow afternoon. I’m home alone.”
My heart was beating about ninety miles a minute as I rushed home. I could not believe that Matt had invited me to his house. And what was more, was that he made a point to tell me he would be home alone! I wondered why. I did not even fully understand the feelings that I had for Matt at this point. I mean, it was obvious that he was not some sort of a fairy. I often questioned my own sexual identity, especially when I had wet dreams about jocks like Matt, but I was certain that he was not in the same category as me. Even if he were, he definitely would not be interested in some little twerp like me, anyhow.
That night when I went to bed, I lay there thinking again of Matt, and our encounter on the sidewalk. I thought of how I had felt kneeling there in front of him. It just felt right I guess. It was so odd. Why would it feel “right” to me to be kneeling in front of someone? It was not like I was some sort of slave or an inferior of some sort to other people. This was a free country, after all—wasn’t it? But as I lay there thinking of him, I remembered when I glanced up at him. He seemed to tower over me. That was when I found myself quickly looking back down to the ground, or to the dog I was petting. I guess I did feel inferior to him somehow. Probably it was because he had rescued me from the beating. Maybe it was because he was this really popular jock and I just envied him. Maybe it was because I had been bullied so much that I just was used to thinking that way about other guys, especially guys who were really masculine.
If that were the case, though, then why did I not feel inferior to the bullies like Devin Baker? He was nothing to me— just a piece of low-life trash. There was something within Matt that I identified as being genuinely superior. My heart was racing again, and I even felt the redness in my cheeks. I must have been embarrassing myself. It really wasn’t right for a guy to be so obsessed with another guy like that. Maybe it was true what Devin said about me. Maybe I truly was a fag.
I got up out of bed and stood in front of the mirror. It was a full length mirror that was mounted on the outside of my closet door. I stared at myself. God, I had a puny body. I was only wearing boxer briefs and I saw the bulge— still rock hard from my thoughts of Matt. I wanted to see myself as he saw me. I stared at my reflection and took in the very narrow shoulders, the tiny waist. I saw my own big brown eyes staring back at myself. Instinctively, I lowered myself into a crouching position, ultimately kneeling there in front of the mirror. I was kneeling just as I had done earlier that day before Matt, on the public sidewalk. This is what he saw when he looked down at me. He saw a weaker person, one who was servile and submissive in appearance. He saw a quiet and shy boyish-looking guy who needed protection. No wonder he never corrected me when I addressed him as “Sir.”
I wondered now, however, why he had invited me to his house. Why would he open the door of his life to the likes of me? My pulse again raced and I reflexively groped myself. I knelt there then and continued to touch my crotch as I thought of him. I pulled down the elastic waistband of my briefs and began to stroke. Kneeling there, I envisioned him before me and continued until I reached climax.
2
It was not surprising to me that Matt’s family had such a nice home. It seemed that he always had the best of everything and always was the best at everything. He was hot-looking, athletic, smart, and obviously came from a family that was not hurting for money. I had ridden my bike over to his house, but I was unsure where to park it. I pedaled over to the side of the garage and left it there leaning against a tree. Then I tentatively looked towards the house.
I couldn’t go in there. There was no way I could go through with this, even though it was all I had thought about for the past twenty four hours. What would I say to him; how would I act in his presence, totally on his turf? Why would he even want me there in the first place? He must have just invited me to be polite. Probably he’d given it no further thought since yesterday afternoon and would be shocked that I even showed up. It was probably best if I just went back home. If he did happen to question me about it later I could make up an excuse, say that maybe I forgot because I had a lot of studying to do.
I remained rooted in my tracks for a few moments and then turned back towards my bike. I took a step back away from the house, and just as I did so, I heard a noise behind me. It was the front door. “About time you got here.” It was Matt.
“Oh, hi Matt” I squeaked out. “I wasn’t even sure you were home.”
“Huh? Oh, did you knock? If so, I didn’t even hear you. Well come on in.”
There was no turning back now, and I swung around and headed for the door. I felt so awkward just then as I made eye contact with my hero. Matt was wearing Umbro shorts and a beater shirt, basketball sneaks, and a cap. I made every effort to appear casual, as if I did not even notice him. I doubt that my efforts were successful, for I could feel every fiber of my being wanting to take him in. I wanted to drink in this image of my jock hero and savor every glimpse.
Matt let me pass him through the entryway, and I was immediately greeted by my namesake, Petey the dog. “Hi pup!” I said cheerfully as I dropped down to pet him. He excitedly wagged his tail as I showed him bunches of affection. “Awe, did you miss me? Good boy! You’re my good pup! Yeaaaah!” I petted him incessantly, and he wriggled around frantically as if he just could not get enough.
“I told you he likes you,” said Matt. We both were laughing. After a bit, Matt invited me to the kitchen where he got me a soda. I was not even sure what I was expected to do at his house. I’d never just hung out with a jock before. I kept waiting for him to reveal some sort of agenda he had planned for my visit, but it did not seem to be forthcoming.
“So Matt, can I ask you something?”
He laughed at me, “I don’t know why you always ask for permission to ask a question. Go ahead, ask away.”
“Why am I here? I mean, why did you invite me over?”
He looked down at me. I was sitting at his kitchen table and he was sitting on the countertop with his legs dangling over the edge. “You are so silly sometimes, guy. Haven’t you ever heard of friendship? I mean, friends invite their friends over for visits all the time. It’s no big deal. We are just chillin…why you gotta analyze shit so much?”
“I’m sorry,” I offered.
“Don’t be sorry.” It was like a command. I felt I should then apologize for apologizing, but instead I just shrugged, letting it go. “Why don’t we go up to my bedroom. I’ll show you around the house and you can see where I work out.” I smiled up at him and stood up as he leapt from the counter, leading me quickly up the stairs. He gave me a quick tour of his huge home and finally we made it to his bedroom.
It was amazing to me, being probably larger in terms of square feet than our entire apartment. “Here’s my gym.” He pointed to this enormous weight training system. It must have been a solo flex or something like that. Visions of him stretched out on the weight bench pumping iron flashed quickly through my head. “You like it?” he asked.
I nodded.
“I knew you’d like it,” he stated matter-of-factly. “I bet there are a lot of things I know about what you like and don’t like.”
I turned and looked up at him, surprised by this sudden candid statement. “Why do you say that, sir?” I asked.
“Why do you call me sir?” he countered.
“Ummm…I don’t really know. I guess just out of respect.”
“But you are the same age as me. You don’t have to show respect to me by calling me ‘Sir.’ I think you do it for an entirely different reason. Am I right?”
“I don’t know what you mean, s—, um, Matt.”
“I mean I think that you’re surprised that I want to be your friend because of the way you feel about me. I think that you consider me out of your league, so to speak. You think that I’m above you or something. Superior, maybe.”
I looked down at my feet. “Why would you think that I’d feel like that? Do you think you are superior to me?”
“I know who I am,” he replied. “I don’t go around trying to be superior to anyone. I’m just me, and I do whatever feels right to me. I’m not gonna tell you things about myself that you already know. It’s up to you to tell me.”
My heart was beating fast again. I was shocked by what I was hearing from him. Could it be that he actually did understand how I felt about him? Could it be that was what this invitation to his house was all about? “Okay, it’s true…. I do think that.”
“You do think what?” he asked, forcing me to verbalize what I was thinking.
“I do think you are —” I stammered.
“I am what?”
“Superior?”
“Is that a question?” he grinned.
I shook my head. “No, I do think you are superior…Sir.”
“Sit down,” he motioned me towards the bed. Unable to even conceive of doing anything other than exactly what he told me to do, I obeyed him and sat down on the edge of the bed. He stood in front of me, looking down. “What is it about me that makes you feel inferior to me?”
Apart from a direct order from him to look up at him, I don’t think that anything on earth could have torn my eyes from the ground at which I was then staring. “I don’t know. It’s just something that I feel. It doesn’t even make sense to me, sir. I mean… well, it was like yesterday. When I saw you…with Petey, and when I knelt down to pet him. I felt something.”
“You felt that it was right. You felt it was your place to be kneeling in front of me,” he stated.
I nodded, surprised that he phrased it so accurately. “And I’m scared of that feeling,” I admitted.
“So why are you scared?” he prodded.
I looked over to the opposite wall, still avoiding his eye contact. “I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what it means about…me.” I felt tears welling up in my eyes. This was such a difficult admission for me. “Does it mean that I’m a fag or something?”
He then laughed, but not viciously. It was a rather gentle and compassionate chuckle. “You shouldn’t worry so much about stuff like that, little guy. I mean ‘fag’ is just a label. You are who you are.”
“Well do you think that I’m a fag?” I asked.
“I think you’re a chill dude. I don’t care about what other people think. And even if you are a fag, why would you think that it’s a bad thing?”
“Well, you’re not a fag, sir. You have a girlfriend. You’re this popular jock. I know you are not a homo.”
He looked at me then so tenderly. It was as if he were a parent that was instructing a small child. “I’m not about to allow myself to be labeled as a ‘faggot,’ cause that just isn’t me. I’m not at all the faggy type. You can see that. You know what I’m like. But that doesn’t mean that even if you are a fag yourself, that it is a bad thing. I am me, and you are you. We both are awesome peeps, so why you down on yourself so much, Pup?”
I wished right then that I could tell him what I really was thinking. I wished that I could tell him honestly how much I loved him and how I thought of him constantly. I fantasized about being around him, being within the inner circle of his friends. I wanted to open up and confide these feelings to him. Instead I just said, “It’s true. You ARE a chill dude.”
Matt walked over to his entertainment center and pulled out a drawer of cds. “What kinda music you into, Pup?” he asked. I looked up at him and shrugged again.
“I pretty much like any kind sir. I like whatever you like.”
“Good answer,” he grinned. “But you know, it’s okay for you to like whatever you want. You don’t have to have the same opinions as me. Doesn’t mean that you are right though.” He laughed. He popped in an NSYNC cd which surprised me actually. I would not have guessed he was into boy bands. “I bet this is the type of music you like, huh?” he asked.
I nodded, realizing he’d chosen the music for me, based upon what he thought I’d be into. “Yeah, I like those guys, but I like lots of music actually.”
“Me too,” he said, “Jus’ depends on my mood.” He then sat down in a desk chair which he’d pulled out towards the center of the room. I stared at him as he kicked back, his long legs sprawled out in front of him. He pushed himself backwards casually, swiveling in the chair somewhat. Then he clasped his hands behind his head. I was totally in awe, unable to pull my gaze away from him, for he appeared to be placing himself on display before me. It was as if a voice inside me was screaming for me to drop to my knees in front of him right then, to kneel between his legs. I didn’t move though, but just sat there sort of mesmerized.
He too was looking at me, but was definitely not nervous and fidgety as was I. His lips sort of curled into a cocky sort of grin, as he sat there observing me. “What do you want to do?” he asked.
I felt myself blushing, “Um, I don’t know…whatever you want,” I answered.
“I don’t think you really understand the question. I already know that you will do whatever I want, but what is it that you want for me to want you to do?” If I had not been so nervous I would have laughed at the complexity of the question. He paused and then rephrased, “If I were to give you an order right now to do something, what would you want that order to be?”
I was getting really frightened at that point. This just did not even seem real to me. Maybe he was just toying with me, trying to get me to admit things to him so that he could use them against me. Maybe it was just a game he was playing, a sort of bullying. But then I already knew that was not the case. Matt did not have any desire to bully me; he was the one who saved me from the bullies. “I um…” I started to stammer.
He continued to stare at me, by sheer force of his will, imploring me to go on with my statement. “I want you to tell me to touch you…sir.”
His face got serious. “No you don’t. That is not what you want at all. Say what you REALLY want.” He almost appeared angry in the delivery of the command. “Say it!”
Tears were again in my eyes, as I struggled to find a way to form the words which would convey my deepest desires. “I… I…I want you to let me touch you when you are … when you are…naked…sir.”
“Well you are getting closer,” he laughed. “Okay, I’m gonna tell you what you want. Then you are gonna tell me if I am right or wrong, all right?” I nodded, tears now streaming down my cheeks. “You want me to tell you to drop to your knees, to crawl over here between my legs, and to suck my cock.”
I did not look away from him. I don’t think I would have been able to had I tried, for he was staring directly into my eyes. I nodded. “What?” he asked me. “Don’t just nod to me, say it!”
I gulped, and opened my mouth to speak. Eventually I forced myself to verbalize, saying only two words. They were the most important two words I have ever spoken in my life.
“Yes, sir.”
I sat there on the bed, disbelieving the admission I had just made, waiting to hear what Matt had to say next. He was right, I did want for him to order me to my knees. I did want to touch him…with my hands, my mouth…to feel him in me and on me. But far more than this, I simply wanted to be with him. I wanted to please him somehow.
For all of these years I had been confused about my feelings towards men. I worried about and pondered my own identity, not knowing how to label myself. I’d try telling myself that those labels did not matter. I’d try to explain away the feelings that I’d had all this time, saying that it was merely a phase or that I was just shy and inexperienced with girls. None of that was true, though, and at this moment I knew it with such remarkable clarity that it was like an epiphany.
When Matt asked me what I wanted, I already knew at the core of my being that I would never, ever be satisfied or content with myself until I had the courage to admit the truth. I did want him, and I wanted him to want me, more than anything else in the world.
It was ironic though, for it made no sense to me why he would want me at all in the first place. When we had first really encountered one another those two months ago at the bus stop, he must have seen the weakling that I was. Then when he stepped in to save me from my abusers, he certainly must have seen how pathetically vulnerable I was. He must have viewed me as being inarticulate and a bit of a bumbling idiot for all of the times I tripped over my own tongue when he so much as spoke to me.
So my desire for him to want me was truly unreasonable. The likelihood of this ever becoming reality to me was practically nil. I had a better shot at the lottery. Yet, as all these thoughts raced through my mind, Matt continued to look at me, never flinching for a second. He exuded confidence and self-certainty as he comfortably reclined in his chair.
“I’m not gonna order you to suck my cock…not now. But I want you to come over here next to me.” His voice had softened, he was being quite gentle, which sort of shocked me. “Come on,” he encouraged me; it was like he was calling his dog.
I did not know whether he expected me to crawl to him, as he had previously indicated, or if I was supposed to stand. As if reading my mind, he held out his hand to me, and I stood, stepping over to him. “Now kneel down, pup. Sit here beside me.” The tears had returned as I dropped to my knees, clinging to his legs. I rested my head against his thigh, and he made himself comfortable in the seat. He then cupped my chin in his hand and pulled my head back to look up at him. “Is this better? Is this where you belong?”
Through my tear-filled eyes I stared up at him, beginning to nod, but ultimately stopping myself. “Yes sir. It is much better.” He pulled me closer to him, as I slid my legs up next to the chair’s casters. This allowed me to rest my head in his lap. He did not discourage me or push me away, nor did he act in any way that was forceful or aggressive. He instead allowed me to get comfortable in my position. He allowed me to drink in the security of his embrace, to feel the strength of his dominance. He sat and I knelt. It was just right. It was totally right.
“You know, I have thought of you a lot these past few weeks,” he said. “Since the bashing, I mean.” I lay there with my head in his lap listening to him. “I knew from that first time I spoke to you, that you would eventually be here, in exactly this position.”
“Kneeling at your feet?” I asked.
“Isn’t that what you wanted all along? Haven’t you thought of it too?”
“Yes sir,” I answered. “I thought of it all the time. But I never thought you would ever want me. You have a girlfriend. You are not a fag.”
“No, I’m not a fag, you’re right about that. It’s just not who I am. I already told you that, but it doesn’t mean I don’t like to do things with guys, though. You shouldn’t be so down on yourself, either. I don’t like that. I already told you how I felt about you. You’re a chill dude. If I can say that about you, then you ought to be able to accept that it’s true.” He again pulled my chin back so that I was looking up at him. “You understand?”
“Yes sir,” I said. I wrapped my arms around his waist, not yet certain he would even allow me this privilege, but he did nothing to dissuade me. In fact he slid down a bit in the chair so that I could pull myself up right next to him. I felt so secure and protected in this position. I felt the warmth of his body, and could smell the cleanliness of him. My heart was pounding rapidly and I felt myself becoming aroused as I held onto him, never wanting to let go.
Maybe it was the desperate way that I clung to him; maybe it was just being close to another person; maybe it was seeing the overpowering need that I had to submit to him— whatever the reason, Matt too was becoming aroused. I felt how hard he was as I pressed my body against him. His groin was just below my chin as I knelt there, pressing my cheek against his abdomen, firmly clinging to his waist. His hardness excited me and frightened me, but I could not pull myself away.