Avoiding The Missionary Position
By
David Shaw
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2010 David Shaw
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THIS STORY IS INTENDED FOR ADULT READING ONLY
"Now, my dear, I must tell you that I've come to see you about a most important matter. One that involves both the Duke and his son."
Mrs Mason looked across the tea cups with an arch expression on her face which seemed to imply a hidden insight into the mystique of the nobility.
Since Diane Mason's husband was the senior Steward of the Duke of Parsvale's estate, both he and his wife were really no more than glorified servants. Still, if a cat could look at a king then Diane Mason was certainly in a good position to hear any gossip about the Duke's doings.
"Really?" Madelaine Swan-Smith answered vaguely.
She wasn't particularly interested in the Duke's affairs but she was certainly wondering what had brought Diane out to visit her on a day when gusts of rain were pattering against the cottage windows.
A miserable day here in Kent, a worse day yet for the British warships in the chops of the Channel keeping watch and ward for any signs of invasion by Bonaparte's ungodly Republican soldiers.
"Yes, a matter concerning the Duke himself, and his personal wishes in respect of Lord Horace. Have you met his Lordship since your husband took over the living in this parish?"
"No. He has been away at school at Rugby ever since we came here. But we have heard he is a sturdy and well set up young man."
"Yes," Diane agreed. "Strong and well developed, and with an excellent opinion of himself. But before we discuss Lord Horace any further, my dear, let all be made plain between us. You are newly arrived, Madelaine, and perhaps lucky to be here. After all, there were plenty of clergymen who would have been very happy to have been granted this living by the Duke. For this parish is part of the Duke's estates and he decides who preaches here."
Madelaine blinked in surprise at Diane's blunt talk.
"It is of course true that we were very happy to come here. It was due to some distant family connections with the Dukedom of Pursvale that Edward obtained his position here, thus allowing us to marry."
"Precisely so. As I understand it, neither of you have much in the way of independent means and so you are financially reliant on your husband retaining his present position."
Madelaine's teacup rattled as she set it down angrily on the saucer.
“Diane, is that why you've made such an uncomfortable journey on such an unpleasant day? Simply in order to insult Edward and myself?"
"My dear, of course not. My husband and I are just as dependent on the Duke's good will as you are yourself. If it were not so I would not be running this important errand. I came here in both our interests."
Madelaine barely stopped herself from snorting in disgust at being addressed as a child by a woman who could hardly be five and twenty, and thus only a few years older than herself. But of course Diane had crossed the great divide of womanhood by having borne her first child, which doubtless made her feel able to adopt such a superior attitude towards the younger wife.
"Perhaps you should explain what you mean."
"Certainly, Madelaine, certainly, but I fear what I may have to say will prove . . . unsettling for you. When do you expect Edward to return?"
Madelaine blinked.
"Why, not until nightfall. He has gone to Staunton-Under-Stanton to spread the true word amongst the villagers, many of whom are having their silly heads turned by a local Methodist claiming that the word of God can come from a mere blacksmith."
Both of the women duly smiled at such nonsense, although it crossed Diane Mason's mind that many people believed that the word of God had come from a mere carpenter. Still, she had far more important fish to fry than quibbling over religious matters.
"Then, my dear, I can speak freely. I have been sent here by his Grace to request a favor from you, a favor which will be warmly appreciated and remembered. A favor, however, which you may find it difficult to reconcile yourself into granting. It has to do with Lord Horace and his desire for some obliging feminine company whilst on his school holidays."
"Good Lord, Diane, whatever are you suggesting?"
"At this precise moment, I am suggesting nothing," Diane answered sharply. "I'm attempting to explain to you is how things are done on great estates like this. You may have a notion that young aristocrats such as Lord Horace can pick and choose from amongst the local village girls for companionship, but that is certainly not the case. Not because the girls are unwilling, but because the Duke himself is. He believes that any such liaisons are inherently dangerous to the prestige of his family, and to the distance which the aristocracy should properly place between itself and the lower orders.
"No, on that point the Duke is quite inflexible. His son is forbidden to lay a finger on any farmer's wife or daughter, be they ever so willing. You must understand how valuable these tenants are to the estate's rent-roll. Some of the families here have been farming these fields since the Domesday Book was written. Their knowledge and good will is essential to the estate's wealth and not to be jeopardized for any fleeting carnal fancies."
Madelaine gaped, astonished at Diane's bold speaking: "But if Horace wishes to behave in a certain manner, then surely the nearest towns could provide any number of -- of ladies of convenience."
Diane seemed amused.
"My dear Madelaine, his Grace has far too much respect for his son's health to expect him hire sixpenny slatterns from local taverns. No, what is required are some respectable married ladies who would oblige him with discretion in these affairs of honor. Ladies who are willing to join a young knight for a pleasant joust in the lists of love."
"But Diane, you cannot possibly mean to suggest that I should countenance any kind of improper behavior? I am the wife of a man in holy orders!"
"Which is precisely why I thought of you. You are young, personable, pretty and, as you say, you are the Vicar's wife. Which means that the Earl could send your husband packing any time he chooses to, replacing him with any one of twenty other aspiring clerics the day afterwards. Your husband is not one of the farmers that the estate needs to keep it flourishing and his Grace couldn't give a fig whom attends to the spiritual needs of Pursvale parish, just as long as the sermons on Sundays are kept a short as possible."
Madelaine could find no words to answer, could only sit there in the home she had worked so hard to make comfortable, rigid with terror at the prospect of having to pack her belongings and leave this place where she was completely content with her life.
Attempting to show some sympathy, Diane leaned closer as she continued.
"My dear Madelaine, I am in exactly the same situation as you are. My husband could be dismissed from his position at a snap of the Duke's fingers, so I too must do what I am told, or be turned out into the mud and rain. It is a situation of point nonplus. Let us be sensible therefore and see the thing through together, with never a hint of it to our men folk, well remembering that what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over. Come, let's make a game of it and enjoy what we cannot prevent. I can assure you that Lord Horace has a very kindly manner towards those he partners in such ventures."
Madelaine almost spilt her tea: "You mean you've already . . ."
Her visitor was apparently unmoved by the prospect of eternal damnation for the implied sin of adultery. Diane put her own cup back on its saucer without a tremor and answered calmly.
"There is no need at all for you to concern yourself about what has happened in the past. All you need to do is whatever is necessary to keep the Duke contented. Have I your permission to speak plainly?"
Madelaine took a deep breath.
"Yes, I suppose so."
"Very well. To recapitulate, Lord Horace will be home on holiday very soon. His Grace expects that whilst here his son will be given ample opportunity to enjoy himself in the ways that young men of his station are wont to do. I have been asked to make the necessary arrangements. Because you are so suitable in every way I am asking you to help both the Duke and myself in this matter. Can I take it you will be willing to do whatever is needful?"
"Diane, I cannot be involved in any such thing. It could ruin Edward's career in the church. Caesar's wife must be above suspicion, and so must the spouse of a man of the cloth."
Diane Mason rose from her chair and picked up her gloves.
"As you wish, my dear, I'll ring no more peals over you. Where would you like your things sent on to? Africa, India, or China? His Grace receives many appeals from different missionary societies seeking to spread the word of God amongst the heathen abroad. Of course wherever you go there's bound to be malaria and yellow fever and sunstroke to endure, but what are such trifles to a lady of your high principles?"