Best Joke Book
Volume One
Paul D Kennedy
Smashwords edition
Copyright 2011 Paul D Kennedy
Smashwords edition, licence notes
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I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love it when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ... "I’m going to have that."
_____
They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But since the doctors are now all Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.
_____
I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man was sitting on the pavement.
“I haven’t eaten for two days,” he said.
“That’s fantastic,” I told him, “I wish I had your will power.”
_____
A man and his wife are awoken in the middle of the night by a knock on the door. The man gets up to find a stranger on his doorstep. The stranger asks him for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He closes the door and goes back to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?” she asks.
"No I didn't. It's three in the morning"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man goes back to the front-door and calls out into the dark.
"Hello. Are you still there?"
"Yes,” comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband. “I can’t see you in the dark.”
"Over here on the swing" the man replies.
_____
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any change?”
“Nope,” I said, “you’re still black.”
_____
Former President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader who smiled and suggested that Clinton participate in 'African Roulette', their national game which is related to 'Russian Roulette'.
President Clinton frowned. "Russian Roulette is not a friendly game."
The African leader smiled again. "That's why we developed African Roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you a blow job," he told Clinton.
This gained Clinton's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?" he asked.
The African leader responded, "One of them is a cannibal."
_____
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
_____
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
_____
He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That's a good idea ... you stand beside the ironing board and I’ll sit on the sofa and fart.
_____
A young couple were killed in an automobile accident the night before their wedding. In heaven, they approached St Peter. "My fiancé and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St Peter replied, "I'll tell you what – after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."
Another five years passed, when St Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
The couple got married.
Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, they realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St Peter, they asked if there was such a thing as divorce in heaven.
St Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
_____
A couple were driving down a country road after a row.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
_____
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"
"We'll see," says the bartender.
So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.
"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."
"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings Old Man River.
A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "That's absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for that frog."
"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.
"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."
"Not really," says the guy, "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
_____
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
_____
Two boys, ages 8 and 10, were incurably mischievous. Their mother heard that the new preacher had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked him if he would speak with her boys. He agreed to see them individually on separate days.
The mother sent the 8 year old first. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!”
_____
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
_____
A man walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. "I only bet on sure things."
"Like what?" the bartender asked.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar.
Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
_____
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour asked: Aren’t you going to help? I said: No, six should be enough.
_____
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and insured them against fire. A month later, having smoked all the cigars, he filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued. And won!
Delivering his ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. He stated that, nevertheless, the lawyer held a policy from the company, which insured the cigars against fire but without defining an unacceptable fire, and was therefore obliged to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for the cigars lost in the "fires". After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
_____
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
_____
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the truck driver says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home and then left my wallet in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life. Then you show up and drink the damn poison."
_____
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
_____
Two gay men are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and notice that on of the male gorillas has a massive erection.
The men are fascinated by this. One of them reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and screws him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants watch helplessly. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage and he’s taken away in an ambulance.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT??" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called ... hasn't written ...”
_____
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife," answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug. "That was a good trade."
_____
A blonde and a brunette board an elevator and push the button for the top floor. At the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit gets in. The shoulder of his suit is speckled with dandruff.
Two floors later the man gets off. When the door closes the brunette says, "I wish I could give that guy some Head & Shoulders."
"Wow!” said the blonde, “how do you give shoulders?"
_____
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my darling wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, "Mary I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my dear wife."
"Oh! That is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled and said, "John won the top prize the last night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come with me."
_____
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was to change the turn signal fluid."
_____
Employers can avoid hiring unlucky people by tossing half the CVs they get into the bin.
_____
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were up on scaffolding doing construction work on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch.
The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw the burritos, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He used to make his own lunch."
_____
Donald Rumsfeld used to brief the president every morning. One day he told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. Bush went deathly pale and began to shake badly. Finally, he managed to pull himself together.
"Just tell me,” he asked. “Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
_____
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”
"Are you nuts?" she replies, and keeps walking. He turns around, runs around the block, and gets to the next corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars??" he asks again.
"Listen, you, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while, and says, " Hmmmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse, to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies, "Costs too much."
_____
Remember, if you wake up breathing, you’ve been given another chance!
_____
Bubba Joe's first assignment in the military was to an induction centre. Because he was a smooth talker, they gave him the job of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the captain in charge of the induction centre began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, as it would cost inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage than what the government was already giving. The captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an extra $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000.
"Now, think" Bubba finished, "who do you think Uncle Sam is gonna send into combat first?"
_____
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish joke ..."
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke maybe you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers."
"Okay," says the guy, "I'll tell it very slowly."
_____
Three men got lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with a cannibal escort and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some fruit.
The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing' just great when all of a sudden that other guy showed up with all those watermelons!"
_____
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
_____
Bisexuality is the way to go – it doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
_____
I was driving through the old part of town and found Nick, one of the bartenders at The River City Grill, curled up on the curb in tears. I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Nick, what the hell happened to you?"
Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible!" He pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk.
"Shit, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy another car," I said.
"Look inside the car," Nick moaned.
After looking, I continued to console him. "Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde."
Nick looked at me and wailed, "Look inside her mouth!"
_____
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My girlfriend was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini-skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said:
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
_____
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
_____
A farmer has twenty-five young hens and one old cock to service them. He feels that the old cock can no longer handle his job efficiently, so he buys a young cock at the market.
The old cock to young cock: "Welcome, we can work together.
Young cock: “What ya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.”
Old cock: “Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?”
Young cock: “No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.”
Old cock: “In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I loose you will have all.”
Young cock: “OK. What kind of competition?”
Old cock: “50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me a head-start of the first 10 meters.”
Young cock: “You’re on.”
The young cock allows the old cock to start off. When the old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the young cock begins chasing him with all his might. He begins to catch up on the old cock.
Suddenly – BANG! Just as he was about to overtake the old cock he is shot dead by the farmer, who curses:
“What the hell? That was the fifth gay cock I bought this week.”
_____
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it.
_____
Two 80-year old ladies are sitting outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: "What in the hell is that?"
Mabel: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Maude: "Where did you get it?"
Mabel: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Maude hobbles off to the local drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"It doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
_____
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to a much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into fits of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "What are you laughing at, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynaecologist ..."
_____
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?"
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!
_____
A man spends the evening in a Japanese house of ill-repute and contracts a strange disease that causes his member to display colours ranging from red through green to purple. In a state of near panic, he contacts his family doctor.
The man is told that his penis must be amputated immediately. He is horrified and second and third opinions from other family practitioners. He gets the same opinion. In desperation, he decides to try a Japanese doctor.
"What can I do for you?" asks the doctor.
"Look at this..." replies the man, and drops his drawers, revealing his sickly little friend.
"What happened?" the doctor asks
The man explains and then asks the doctor, "Will you have to amputate?"
"No" replies the doctor. The man is totally relieved. Then the doctor continues, "two … three days … that thing gonna fall off all by itself."
_____
Two men are out just fishing and drinking beer. Bob says, “I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.”
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer for a while. Then he says thoughtfully, “You better think it over carefully, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.”
_____
After searching for months, my friend Chuck found the perfect apartment … family neighbourhood, garden, lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "no dogs."
Rather than go on searching, Chuck decided not tell the landlord about his dog. All went well for a few months. The family that lived downstairs had a rabbit they kept in a cage in the garden area they shared with Chuck. One day, the father of the family found the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.
He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive and punctual with his rent convinced the landlord to allow him and his dog to stay on the condition that Chuck kept the dog out of the garden area.
This was fine for a few more months. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found his dog on the back-door steps with the dead rabbit in mouth. Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction, he took matters into his own hands.
He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK, he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right?
Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbour one morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck.
"We're moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighbourhood."
"Why? What happened?" replied Chuck.
The neighbour replied, "Some sick bastard dug up our rabbit what died recently, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage."
_____
After the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
“Yeah,” she responded, "hardly worth going home, is it?”
_____
A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'd like to make a donation."
The nurse gives him a sealed container and directs him to a private room. After 20 minutes the man hasn't come out.
The nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" she asks.
"I'm so embarrassed, I’ve tried everything. I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it. I poured hot water on it. Could you please help me?"